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More Intuitive Eating Journeys!

24 Sunday Feb 2013

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Middle Fork Sno RiverWell hmmm!  I unintentionally took a mid-winter break of sorts last week with no post!  As much as I relish this Sunday writing ritual (and I hope you all do too!) I do enjoy a mental break a couple of times a year.

I went on an amazing hike last Sunday – my first ever winter hike – along the middle fork of the Snoqualmie River.   From the gorgeous scenery, the patches of snow on the trail and the sounds of the beautiful rushing river below, this is a must-see.  And it’s not a super extreme kick-your-ass type of hike either.  I was glad for that.  J does quite a bit of hiking, while I in contrast have 10-year-old hiking boots I’ve probably worn 10 times or less, so I’m definitely a novice.  I’m just not a super outdoorsy person, despite living a short drive from so much to explore outside of the city and suburbs.  So it was nice doing a radical change of scenery while feeling safe and having fun with someone who knows his stuff and how to navigate the twisty turning access roads like a champ.  Who knows…I just might rediscover hiking this spring and summer!

On the Intuitive Eating front I feel like I lapsed back a bit these past couple weeks…back to my habit of unconscious eating.  Meaning, eating lunch or snacking while I’m at my desk at work, or absent-mindedly munching on pasta for dinner while on my couch watching TV.  Or inhaling a protein bar while driving to work.  Just not really paying any attention to the food itself, how it tastes or how full I’m getting.  And all of this is perfectly OK!  I know it deep down and the assurance of my coach sealed the deal.  My life has been full of lots of additional stresses and noises, and it’s only been a growing crescendo recently.  I’m wrapping up my current work engagement in T-minus 4 days while interviewing for another one.  I love the experience that interviewing provides, and I have a lot more confidence doing it this time around, whether it’s over the phone or in-person with a panel.  My work engagement was a roaring success with an amazing team…they’re gonna be a hard act to follow!  Contrast that to when I was out of work a few years ago.  I felt broken and empty. My self-confidence had taken a beating after 7 or 8 months of not working.  THIS time around it’s a different story.  It’s energizing…but exhausting.  I come home from work mentally fried after fielding an interview or two that same day.  And I haven’t been exercising as regularly as I’d hoped I would to blow off that stress.  I finally got back in the gym yesterday for the first time this year!  What a joy that the typical New Years crowds have died down!

My coach recommended a wonderful exercise to practice when I’m feeling in a whirlwind, fried and running on adrenaline. It’s 3 minutes of mindfulness…of sensing my body, where it’s touching surfaces like the floor or a chair…then noticing the sounds I hear around me…and lastly what I see.  And a few deep breaths!  That’s the high level content of the exercise and yes, it works!

I thought I’d post today about one of the 10 principles of Intuitive Eating.  Sometimes (rather, often times), writing things down helps the ideas and concepts seal into my brain. 

Principle 1:  Reject the diet mentality.  Yeah, this one’s a DOOZY, especially this first part of the year when it seems just about everyone is making resolutions to lose weight and trying all sorts of diets or cleanses and gleefully posting about them on Facebook or in water cooler chit-chat at work.  Here’s what the authors have to say about this oh-so-challeging-to-grasp first principle:

“Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you the false hope of losing weight quickly, easily and permanently.  Get angry at the lies that have led you to feel as if you were a failure every time a new diet stopped working and you gained back all of the weight.  If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover Intuitive Eating.”

Hoo doggy…how’s THAT for a polarizing few sentences?  Flies right in the face of what most of us (well, many I know) have been taught through society expectations and peer pressure, doesn’t it?  What do YOU think about this first principle? 

Yep…”get angry at the lies.”  That’s powerful stuff!  When a diet ‘failed’ and I gained back all of the weight and then some, I immediately pointed the finger at myself, that *I* was the once who blew it.  Know what?  It was the DIET…NOT ME!  I’m really trying to get the clanging gong in my head once and for all that DIETS DON’T WORK! They are THE quickest way to short-circuit a healthy relationship with food. And like my coach says, “once you have made that mental shift, you can’t un-ring the bell.”  It reminds me a bit of the workshops I did last spring which celebrate men and women and our differences.  Talk about an illuminating new point of view!  Once you really let it sink in, there’s no going back.  Ever.

There’s much, much more about this first principle in the book…and there is a very detailed 4-step process on how to go about rejecting the diet mentality.  I promise you, this content is worth reading through several times.  We are so diet-obsessed in this society and readily identify with a choice to diet no matter what it is…and yet the Intuitive Eating process is quite often met with confusion or dismissal.  Listening to internal cues, eating what my body wants when it’s hungry…and stopping when I feel full.  How can this be so foreign and hard to grasp? 

One poster on an IE online discussion forum I peruse frequently sums it up great, with a little tongue in cheek:  “It’s hilarious that people can post about what urine they are injecting to lose weight, or what barely legal speed pill is the new miracle of weight loss, but any mention of eating according to natural hunger and you are a zealot and unacceptable.”  I love it.  And I hope she doesn’t mind me anonymously quoting her post.  It’s a gem and worth sharing.

I’m just barely turning a corner on this journey, leaving dieting behind forever.  I know this is the right path for me. 

No one knows my body better than my own body!

Anything, Anytime…Really?? Part Deux and More

10 Sunday Feb 2013

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Last week I jumped into my latest Intuitive Eating assignment…to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, whether I’m hungry or not…while being present and mindful.  For an entire week. And to notice how I feel!  As I mentioned last week, to many this might sound like a fun food vacation of sorts…a bender!  A freedom binge! Wooohoooo!  But I felt panicky and nervous, fearing I’d gain even more weight or only crave junk foods and end up malnourished.  Now, the rational part of my brain knows that one week is not going to break me in any way.  Not weight-wise or nutrition-wise.

But let me back up for a minute.  When did all this insanity about worrying about my weight, trying diets and continually failing start for me?  I remember the trigger now…like it was yesterday.

When puberty started with most of my friends, my body was one of the later ones to join in.  All of my friends were having their growth spurts, starting to wear bras, get their periods…but not me.  Was something wrong with me?  When was it going to happen for me?  I felt left behind but there was absolutely nothing I could do.  My Mom reminded me that she didn’t go through her growth spurt until she was 14 or so and that it’s hereditary.  Well, telling a 12-year-old to wait two years is a prescription for a long, painful wait.  Two years to a 12-year-old is eternity.

So…around age 14 or so, I did finally grow.  About 7-8″ in a year.  I remember going to my doctor’s office for a checkup.  I was 5′ 3″ (this is after the growth spurt) and around 103 lbs.  Still getting used to my new body, but SO relieved I’d finally grown (although I wished I could be 5 or 6 inches taller, ha ha)! 

Here’s the trigger:  my doctor took out a piece of paper and a pen and started writing down his projections on how much weight I would gain every year for the next few years as I reached my full height.  He told me I needed to start watching my weight, because according to him I would end up about 5′ 3″ or 5′ 4″ and weigh 130 lbs!  Which was too much according to the height/weight charts in his office!  I should be no more than around 120 or 125 lbs, he said.  HOLY FUCK!  I was sooo happy to be growing up, and then I get a smack down…a warning.  A pre-punishment.  Don’t ever hit the dreaded 130 lbs, I now thought!  UGH!  Something will be horribly wrong with me if I gain 27 lbs over the rest of my life!

Was this the type of ‘responsibility’ I would have as a teen and as a woman, to watch my weight?  I guess I thought it was!  And when a voice of authority tells you this you internalize it deeply.  He’s a doctor – he’s been my doctor since I was a baby.  Doctors are smart people.  I should listen to everything he says and do it and not question it.  So…I didn’t. 

A few days later my folks took my brothers and me out for ice cream.  We did this occasionally as a special treat…and I LOVE ice cream!  But I remembered my doctor’s words to ‘watch my weight,’ and, with tears in my eyes in the store, decided not to have any ice cream.  I sat there in the store and felt so weird and ashamed.  Maybe this is what it meant to watch my weight – to say no to a scoop of ice cream I really wanted?

So whooomp there it is.  From then on, my fear of weight gain became a clanging gong in my head.  Is this a kind of a morphed self-fulfilling prophecy?  What I feared eventually became reality for me?  Help me out here, psychology-oriented readers!

I felt happy and proud about last week’s assignment to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  But when I had my phone coaching session, I was told I was being too restrictive.  I was only eating when I was hungry, which resulted in a more grazing or snacking way of eating.  I liked how I didn’t have that hunger pain and light headed feeling I would typically get between 4 and 5pm at work. 

What are my FORBIDDEN foods, she asked me.  I could only muster up an answer like granola, because I’ve always been told to avoid it because it’s high in fat.  But I DID have a bowl or two during the previous week and felt satisfied!  Where am I still being judgmental about what I eat when I write about it in here?  Honestly I am probably too close and emotionally attached to my feelings and my words to see it.  Could it be where I unconsciously applauded myself on only taking a couple spoonfuls of risotto from the food bar for lunch, rather than thinking “hey, I ate risotto today and felt great”?  Maybe that’s it!

When we finished our phone session I was exhausted.  I felt sad and angry.  I felt like I had done a great job over the past week with my eating assignment, but internalized the feedback as ‘you’re doing it wrong again, fivenineteen.’  Fuck, I  hate that stupid voice in my head!  I learned that before I can achieve my longer-term goal of normalizing my weight, that I might actually gain some weight over the next few months during this process.  And how would I feel about that eh?  Oh good Lord, I choked up inside.  Gain even MORE weight? That horrifies me.  She and I talked through this…and I’ll spare you the details but trust me it was emotional and scary. 

I know way deep down on a practical level that this intuitive eating process is going to reset my body into knowing it CAN have any food any time it wants.  It’s not going to starve (which is what the body thinks is happening to it when we diet).  But that practical info and how I’m feeling about potentially gaining more weight still has a deep crevasse between it.  How do I bridge this?  Do I build a “mental” bridge to understand this more…or just take a running leap off the edge of the crevasse and hope I land on the other side, whether it’s on my feet or a funny belly flop?  Can I truly leave behind the feelings I got instilled in me circa 1981 from those words from my doctor?  Truly once and for all?

I have such a deep hunger (no pun intended) to understand so many things around me.  Well, not everything, but I am naturally curious.  On the flip side, I have no desire to understand how my car works.  It gets me safely from point A to point B and I make sure it’s maintained properly. I don’t know exactly what is done when they change the oil or check the tire pressure and I don’t care to know…I only know it’s good to do it.  I don’t have any desire to understand how my digestive system works.  Well, maybe on a high level, but not at the molecular/chemical level.  Never was much into biology.  But yet I’ve been told I have a tendency to ‘clue out’ on certain things.  I miss key points.  This just leaves me feeling frustrated and angry.  How is my need to understand things either empowering or disempowering me through this intuitive eating journey?  Well, I suppose it could be disempowering.  Intuitive eating is not a diet.  And it’s so goddamn hard to try to explain that to people, especially this time of year when people are still holding onto new years resolutions to diet or do cleanses, etc.   And how diet-obsessed we are as a society any time of year, really.

Instinctively I want to know…how long is this process going to take?  And oh, I now may have to take a step *backwards* and gain more weight in the short-term?  Yeah, I felt ‘backwards’ in my brain so I wrote that word down; I don’t do a lot of editing when I write in here.  But maybe gaining some additional weight isn’t a step backwards at all…maybe it’s just…a step!  I’ll have to keep working on that one for sure.

So are you wondering what I’ve been eating this past week?  Here we go.

What are my truly forbidden foods?  Maybe I’ve unconsciously been rejecting them so hard for so long that I’ve blocked them out of my mind without even recognizing it anymore!  How can I think about this without over-thinking  it?  Hmmm…OK here’s a few.  Deep fried foods like tempura or KFC.  Super processed foods like velveeta cheese or beef jerky.  French fries.  Red licorice.  And drum roll….FAST FOOD!!  Aha!  I realized the fast food dealio after I’d gotten home from work and the grocery store.  Let me tell you about the grocery store this time around!

I walk down aisles I rarely ever walk down.  Looking at candy, cookies and crackers.  What jumps out at me?  I fill my basket with smoked sausage sticks (kind of like beef jerky…I love sausage), pesto-flavored bagels (which I will toast and smear with cream cheese oh yeahhhh), more sliced pepperoni and a piece of berry-flavored cheesecake.  Then the movie-theatre style of popcorn, which I will drizzle with melted butter.  Pickles!  Huge, dill pickles!  Starburst candies!  YES! 

Meanwhile, I have never farted so potently and so frequently in my life.  Good grief on Friday afternoon at work I was a putt-putt-puttin’ motorboat.  Thankfully I had very few meetings that day and wouldn’t risk my co-workers keeling over getting downwind of me!

Friday night dinner…glorious mac and cheese with white cheddar.  I started off with some sausage sticks (there’s the esophagus burning but so worth it).  And some cheese puffs.  A pickle while the pasta was boiling and another after dinner.  Then popcorn with butter later in the evening!

Saturday morning breakfast…V8 juice and berry-filled cheesecake!  Afternoon goodness:   I rotate between the cheesecake, pickles, sausage sticks and some pepperoni slices with cream cheese.  So what else is on my personal forbidden foods list?

Ahhh…ice cream!  I never keep it in the freezer anymore on purpose.  But I picked up some Ben & Jerry’s…when was the last time I had ice cream like this?  Delicious. And then I DID IT.  Funny how there is a McDonald’s and a Dairy Queen each within walking distance from my house.  I’ve always had this proud feeling that after living here a decade I had never EVER set foot in either of those places.  OK, one time I had a Blizzard though.  So as I was driving up to the McDonald’s I felt kind of tingly and nervous.  This was a funny feeling actually and it surprised me!  I’m not feeling very hungry at all but that quarter pounder goes down so smooth and tastes SO good.  Yep, that’s a forbidden food alright!  Oh and the fries too. 

I feel proud I’ve realized what else is on my forbidden foods list besides granola!  And I’ve eaten a few of them…yeah I felt a little guilty but not regretful.  Sure I felt a little bloated yesterday but I woke up today feeling great.  Not with the typical hunger pangs that wake me when I sleep in on the weekends.

Sunday morning breakfast and grazing…more Ben & Jerry’s some V8 juice and the cheese puffs.  Oh and pepperoni slices with cream cheese.  These all taste sooo good.  I feel a little weird but feel happy! 

I trust this process, I trust this process…ergh but I’m still fighting off the weird feelings.  And trying to explain this to friends or others not on this journey?  Well, that’s fodder for another post.

Anything, Anytime…Really?

03 Sunday Feb 2013

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Panic. Terror. Anxiety.  When I got my latest ‘homework’ during my second Intuitive Eating phone coaching session on Thursday, I freaked out.  It was like drawing a mental blank…my mind couldn’t compute what I was hearing.  I could envision nothing but a black, dark void.

My homework?  For one week, eat anything you want, whether you are hungry or not.  The only caveat is to be 100% PRESENT and MINDFUL to what you are eating.  And notice how you feel!  Gah!!

But I promised to commit myself 150% to this process.  To be ready to transform myself and bust free of dieting hell and the yo-yo weight gains and losses I’ve sustained over the past nearly 20 years (eek, that’s nearly half my life!).  I’ve conditioned myself to only eat carbs during dinner (a la the Carbohydrate Addicts diet) which I’ve attempted twice, each time gaining back the weight I lost and then some.  Yep, that ‘carbs only at dinner’ mindset is tattooed in my brain, and I still beat myself up mentally when I stray. I’m learning that I could actually be unconsciously dieting without even thinking about it!  Oh dear, what a smothering, vicious cycle this is!

So.  With this week-long experiment the idea is to quiet my mind (yeah, good luck with that).  Quiet my mind and instead listen to what my body says it needs.

To some this might sound like HOT DAMN, HOO DOGGY…woohooo!!  For me it was terrifying.  And still is – I’m just a few days into it.  What am I afraid of?  Honestly, I’m afraid of gaining even more weight.  I’m afraid of bingeing and feeling like I’ve eaten too much and “should” slow down or stop.  I’m afraid my body will only crave unhealthy foods and I’ll end up malnourished.

But, I dove right in.  They say to do one thing a day that scares you, right?  This is definitely it!  So below is a peek of my food journal.  I started this experiment February 1.  Ahh, there’s something nice about a new calendar page and a new start.  The timing was fantastic.

February 1:  Breakfast was a morning food “Gulp,” (not what I would call breakfast):  a chunk of cheddar cheese.  I feel rushed and stressed and not necessarily hungry as I’m trying to get out the door and in the car to drive to work.  I force the cheese down; it’s at an earlier time of morning I’m not usually eating, but I force it down because I’m worried I’ll feel hungrier later in the mid morning which is my prime-time for more difficult tasks at work and meetings.

Mid morning snack:  Dried squares of seaweed, flavored with salt and sesame oil…YUM.  I feel zing-y inside and nourished, energized.  Light.

Lunch:  I head over to the large eating area on our company campus.  They have an incredible variety of food choices, including a hot food bar which I really enjoy.  I pick up 1 large meatball with seasonings.  It looks hearty but the meat is really pink and undercooked inside so I stop after a bite.  Disappointed.  I also got a couple of squares of portabella mushroom ravioli.  I feel a little guilty eating carbs and cream sauce during lunchtime but it’s so rich tasting.  Eating slowly to savor the taste.  And a couple scoops of barley risotto.  I love the crunch and nutty texture which is different from the ravioli.  I feel full and don’t finish the second spoonful.

Afternoon snack:  Sea salt and vinegar potato chips.  I took a few moments to inhale the aroma in the bag – the vinegar scent makes me feel energized.  I’m not very hungry but I eat a few anyway.  Next a handful of raw, unsalted almonds.  I was starting to feel low on energy but I felt full still.  The afternoon energy drop I typically experience between 4 and 5pm was not as severe as it’s been when I’ve eaten low/no carb lunches.

Evening of 2/01:  I’m not really feeling super famished – this is great!  I go to the grocery store and don’t feel freaked out (I hate the feeling of being at the grocery store when you’re hungry).  I purchase a couple of containers of Greek yogurt, on-the-vine tomatoes, more of those dried seaweed snacks with sesame oil flavor, pesto, gum, sour cream, chips, organic mac & cheese, sushi for tonight and some beer.  Around 9pm I eat the sushi…it’s brown rice style with sashimi and I mix the wasabi with some spicy wasabi-infused soy sauce in my fridge.  YUM.  I feel elated and full of energy…love the spicy flavors and the seafood!  The rice makes me feel satisfied and not bloated.

Saturday February 2:  I don’t eat anything until 11am.  I was hosting our annual HOA meeting at my townhouse and was feeling excited to see everyone and a little anxious too.

After the meeting I had a piece of cheddar cheese and three huge glasses of V8 juice.  I feel alive and happy, like the juice is nourishing me!  And few small slices of spicy pepperoni.  My stomach feels a little irritated and my esophagus burns a little, but I like it.  Then around 1pm I had a sudden hunger urge.  I found a small serving of leftover pasta and vodka cream sauce in a Tupperware in the fridge. About 2-3 bites. I ate it cold.  Just what I needed!  I feel happy.

I later went to the PCC near my house.  I’m always endlessly fascinated with the variety of foods they carry!  I was in search of primrose oil capsules (they’re supposed to help stabilize PMS cravings and mitigate breast tenderness, among other things), chocolate mousse, organic butter on sale, cilantro lime spread and some live raw bars.  Then I went to my favorite spa for a long-overdue waxing appointment.  Time to get the eyebrows shaped and tinted too…I’m back in job hunting mode bigtime and need to get cleaned up to look my best for interviews!   I got there early and went to the Starbucks across the street to get a nonfat latte.  The lemon pound cake inside the pastry case literally jumped out at me – I need a piece!  I ate about half of it in very small bites.  It made me feel alive and happy.

Dinner:  I am hungry and want mac & cheese.  It’s 5:30pm and I instinctively think OMG no, it’s too early to start dinner.  I start a load of laundry instead.  Then it’s 6:00 and I say fuck it, I’m hungry, let’s start the water boiling.  I made a full box of mac & cheese and ate about 1/3 of it with some shredded mozzarella cheese on top (cheese on top of cheese LOL). I feel happy and full!  The rest goes in the Tupperware for another time.  I had some chips with that cilantro lime spread as a dip later in the evening.  And a couple spoonfuls of the chocolate mousse.  Delighted!

Sunday February 3:  It felt wonderful sleeping in a little later (11am).  I was feeling thirsty so I grabbed a big glass of water and took my typical round of supplements (which now includes the evening primrose oil).  Was I feeling hungry?  Yes, a little bit…so I grabbed some pomegranate-flavored Greek yogurt and had a big glass of V8 juice.  I feel full and a little bloated after finishing the glass of juice – maybe I drank it too quickly.  I love the flavor though!

I came back from running errands and am suddenly hungry again!  So I have a few small bites of the leftover mac & cheese from last night.  I feel guilty about doing that!   And a glass of water.  About an hour later I’m not feeling particularly hungry but I really want one of the raw bars I purchased yesterday.  It’s a chocolate/coconut flavor and it’s delicious!  Now I’m full again.

So, as you can see this is still a very new process for me. Food and my weight are very emotional to me, but it’s hard for me to put those emotions into words, whether on the phone with my coach or in writing here.  So I’ll keep working on it and not beating myself up if I’m not ‘doing it right’ (compared to WHAT, right??)

I vow to reject the diet mentality…saying goodbye and GOOD RIDDANCE to 15+ years of trying/failing at Carbohydrate Addicts, by losing and re-gaining 30-35 lbs each time.  I need to envision shedding the dieting mentality like when an animal molts.  They grow, transform and gleefully walk away from their old skin.  It doesn’t fit and doesn’t suit me any longer!

Honoring Thy Hunger…the Intuitive Eating Journey Begins

27 Sunday Jan 2013

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This past Thursday was my first phone coaching session in Intuitive Eating principles.  This is another one of those moments where I feel like I’ve jumped off the platform and am flying through the air, knowing and trusting the trapeze bar or the strong, trusted hands of a partner will be there to catch me at just the right time.  Scary and exhilarating. 

Lots of you who tune in here regularly know that I made a vow to myself awhile back after I finished college.  As an adult I would never let myself get close-minded.  I would always be open to considering trying new things.  From hockey to starting a jewelry business, training to run 5Ks, making a shift to contract/consulting work, joining online discussion groups and taking workshops for personal growth. Oh, and starting this blog back in late 2009.  Those are just a few things the past decade has brought – what’s shaped me.  Not too shabby a progress report I’d say!

What a segue…shape.  Have I made peace with my own body shape?  Yes, somewhat.  But I’m packing around much more weight than is healthy for me (see my rude awakening post last week which brought me to sobs).  I scratch my head and wonder.  Beauty really IS in the eye of the beholder.  I think about men I’ve had relationships with over the years.  When I was at my thinnest the guy I was dating at the time had pretty much zero interest in having sex with me.  Huh?  Strange.  And since I’ve packed on some poundage in the last couple of years it didn’t seem to bother the guy I briefly dated a couple of years ago who never knew me when I was a lot slimmer, or the guy I’ve been on a handful of dates with just this month.  Can Intuitive Eating really help me get my weight normalized?  That’s my ultimate goal, but, as I’m learning, Intuitive Eating is NOT a quick fix.  And it’s NOT a diet.  There are no recipes or suggested meal plans in this book at all.  This philosophy is part of the anti-diet movement (go online and you’ll find tons of material about this topic).

Diets don’t work!  Maybe for the short-term, but not necessarily for the long-term.  And I can only speak from personal experience here.  I tried the online version of Weight Watchers a few years ago and gave up after about a month.  I felt constrained by the points system they use.  I don’t mind structure and boundaries, but it was too much for me to handle and I immediately rebelled.  Perhaps if I’d done the in-person method rather than online I would have had better success and support, but I don’t have any interest in trying it again.  I’ve done the Carbohydrate Addicts diet.  Twice, actually.  This was the only diet I ever really stuck with, as it didn’t make you cut out carbs.  With that diet, you only eat carbs during one meal, usually dinner.  And finish within an hour.  I liked this method because I could still enjoy pasta, bread or chips if I wanted…if I waited until dinner.  I’m very much against plans that cut out certain types of foods.  I think our bodies were designed to be fueled by a variety.  Now, I’m not against cutting out things like meat, dairy or gluten for ethical reasons or because of allergies say to gluten or dairy.  I do have a variety of cookbooks specializing in Raw Food, the Paleo/Primal lifestyle and Vegan cooking.  All endlessly fascinating! 

But, in the end, none of what I’ve tried has worked for the long haul.  The IE book covers so many fascinating topics…such as how we were all born intuitive eaters, but often times something changes in our childhood.  Body image issues, peer pressure…so many things start to get in the way of how we were naturally programmed to eat.  I’m just through the first few chapters of this book and I love it.  But the material IS a paradigm shift.  It requires concentration, focus…and being open-minded to its principles.

I’m practicing listening to my body and what it needs.  Honoring my hunger…and stopping when I feel full.  This is like learning a new dance step.  In reading this book so far, I’ve learned I’m an unconscious eater.  I likely eat more than I need to because I don’t pay attention to the signals my body is full or getting full.  I’m usually doing something else when I’m eating, like watching TV or at my desk at work on my laptop.  I’ve rarely ever sat down at my dining room table, by myself, no TV on and no computer/phone nearby and eaten a meal.  It just seems silly, strange and inefficient…and too quiet…I could just as easily be watching a great TV show or catching up on my emails and texts!

So there’s much more excitement and learning ahead.  I already know this is going to be an emotional journey.  I’ve never talked about my true, deep relationship with food out loud in depth with anyone before so it’s going to be weird, but I trust my friend implicitly.  And I feel I’ve failed my body in letting it get to this size, which ties into the woe-is-me-I’m-still-single-this-must-be-why downward spiral.  Not pretty but it’s my truth right now.  It’s very painful going down that slippery slope of thoughts. 

They’re all tied together, so when any one of them turns sad, they all get pulled into an emotional riptide.

Opposite Anorexic

21 Monday Jan 2013

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I’ve read how people with anorexia can have a very distorted body image when they look in the mirror.  They may be painfully, dangerously thin but see a fat person looking back at them in the mirror.

I have the opposite problem.  I’m no string bean and have always struggled with my weight, but I’ve always thought I looked good in the mirror.  In proportion and relatively fit.  Great smile and great skin.  I love my hair too…well, most days.  Sure over the years a few crinkles and grey hairs have popped up, and that double chin keeps trying to pop back in.  And the pounds.  Over the years I’ve learned to embrace how I’m built.  I’ll never be 6 feet tall with mile-long legs nor will I have deep, olive skin that tans. [As a kid I wanted to grow up to be Cher!!  No kidding!].  And in my adulthood my style icon is/was the late, great Carolyn Bessette Kennedy.  Once again, my style icon is tall.  But I got blessed with a 5′ 4″ body complete with short legs (this is why I mostly wear heels), pale skin that doesn’t tan…and curves.  Even when I was at my leanest a few years ago, I was a curvy size 6.  With a tiny waist and all.

So, there’s a huge difference between looking in the mirror and seeing yourself in pictures.  I now cringe at pictures and try to not be the one front and center in full view.  I feel wonderful, happy, sexy and blessed…and yet in pictures I see this large girl very out of proportion to most others around me.  I look huge!  I started having this realization that I was not the size I perceived myself to be when I went shopping last summer for a trip to Kansas City.  No wonder I hardly shop for clothes anymore and spend my money on great accessories like shoes, purses, jewelry and sunglasses!  Accessories don’t care what size you are!

And last weekend I did something I haven’t done in about two years.  I got on the scale.  It’s been staring at me in the guest bathroom whenever I’m in there, taunting me.  When I was losing weight and doing lots of walking about 9 (eesh going on 10) years ago, I’d weigh myself daily every morning and take the weekly averages of my weight and plot it on a graph.  I loved this method, for you could easily trend your weight loss over time, and not freak out about a pound or two weight gain on the daily weigh-ins.  Our weight fluctuates up and down all the time, which is why I am opposed to weekly weigh-ins.  You don’t get the full story.

So last weekend there it was, that number staring back at me:  199.5 lbs.  Holy fuck.  I shlumped to the floor and sobbed.  How in the hell could this happen???  I can’t possibly weigh that much, right??  I’m only 5’4″ (1.6m)!!  FUCK!!  FUCK!! FUCK!! Oh and that’s about 90.5 kg for my metric readers.

I’m still in shock and horror reading this.  I know I’m not skinny.  I can wear (US) size 14 clothes most of the time and carry them off fairly well, but my tiny waist is long gone.  I can row 5000m in under 30 minutes!  I can lift weights! I’m no lazy ass…right?  What the hell happened?  Well, blame it on the 40-something decade, but that’s just an excuse.  About 5 years ago I went on the Pill after finding a new doctor, having started a new relationship too.  Oh, and a new job.  Turns out I was batting zero with all 3 after less than a year but that’s OK…not all of our paths go the way we want them to.  I remember being reluctant to go back on the Pill because of the potential for weight gain, but I was assured the hormone levels were far lower than when I took the Pill 25+ years ago as a teen to help regulate my periods.

But nope, I blew up like a balloon.  The Pill was one of the dumbest most recent decisions I’ve made and I’ll never, ever do it again.

Now I’m stuck with a legacy I can’t shake and the pounds have crept up big time.  I think I was around 170-175 lbs at my heaviest a few years ago (at least from what I know, when I weighed myself).

So what to do?  WELL, the Universe has once again served up exactly what’s needed when it’s needed.  I’m going to start meeting weekly with a friend who is going through an intensive program to become a weight loss coach, specializing in Intuitive Eating.  I’m going to be her guinea pig as she practices coaching me!  This is going to be a wonderful journey and I’m super excited she reached out to suggest this! Thrilled! Going in with an open mind and the dial on 10.

Now, I’m a Taurus, so I take my food VERY seriously…it’s a sensual pleasure.  I love eating out and trying new foods.  I love pretty much any food save for super strong curries and Brussel sprouts.  I love grocery shopping and browsing cookbooks.  Great food, drink and conversation feed my soul.  So any super restrictive diety-diets are only good for the short-term and will leave me deprived, hungry and angry.  Or not even wanting to try them at all.

So my next few posts may likely document how things are progressing through this Intuitive Eating program, but it won’t be my sole focus in here.  Fivenineteen.org is eclectic just like her author, so keep on expecting variety as always.

And if you have a topic you’d like me to blog about, please feel free to message me!

Martinis Make Me Snore…

23 Sunday Dec 2012

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edgewaterLeave it to my dear friend D to turn FIFTY – THE BIG 5-0 – on the “end of the world” (December 21)!  And to pull together a fabulous celebration with friends in style!

And how fabulous was it to shut off the laptop, wrap up the work conference call (while on the road heading into Seattle) and just focus on FUN.  Normally this time of year is super quiet at work.  Most people are on vacation or working from home, checking messages very infrequently.  That’s not how it’s been for us at ALL.  We’ve got a big product launch next month and we’ve been on an intense schedule since mid November.  Man, it’s been crazy like this for over a month!  As much as I love my team and what we’re doing, I’m ready for a break!

I woke up Friday morning with a huge smile on my face.  It’s the end of the world…and we’re still here!  One weird thing:  I have a small clock in my master vanity with a swinging pendulum.  The pendulum had completely stopped swinging overnight.  But the clock was still ticking and keeping time perfectly.  Hmmm!!  I know it’s the energy of the Solstice.  It’s that solid, THUD-like energy you can feel on that day if you breathe really deeply. Breathe through the darkness.  The stillness.  I felt it for sure.  It’s those deep rhythms of the changing seasons.  And it almost feels like a slightly heavier gravity pull.

It could not have been a more glorious solstice. As I was heading over the bridge into Seattle, I saw the beautiful colors of the early sunset and the sky was glowing.  THIS is the promise…the promise of more light ahead – brighter days.  And what a bonus it wasn’t raining!

First stop:  the famous Edgewater Hotel.  Right smack on Elliott Bay.  Yep, the one where you can fish right out of your window.  Where the Beatles stayed back in the day.  This is THE only waterfront hotel in Seattle…and it’s a must-visit the next time you are here.  It’s very lodge-y feeling and cozy. River rock decor everywhere.  Warm, luxurious and unpretentious.  Did you know this hotel was built in 1962 in anticipation of the Worlds Fair? Hey, the same year D was born, ha.

We checked into our rooms, had a cocktail toast and the 10 of us got whisked off to Cuoco for dinner.  Any Tom Douglas restaurant is a major hit in my book, and I couldn’t wait to try this one!  It’s delicious northern Italian cuisine.  The mezzaluna pasta with butternut squash is heaven on a plate.  Savory but light.  And this is where the Ketel One martinis started flowing.

cakeOne of D’s friends made her birthday cake from scratch.  4-layer red velvet decorated with fresh roses.  Exquisite!  And the shiny thing next to it?  That’s the Long Lei….a chain of 44 chocolate kisses and 6 condoms.  I think everyone got to wear the Long Lei at some point throughout the evening.  It was long enough for two people to wear it at the same time!

We headed back to the Edgewater and up to the Six Seven lounge.  This is another part of your must-do-in-Seattle list.  The views of the water, the ferry boats and looking back at the city are stunning.  So is the food and service.  A few more friends joined us, and I vaguely remember heading back to the room a couple of times for a Veuve Clicquot toast, loudly cheering as we popped the champagne corks right out the window.  By the time the evening was over it was 3:00am and we were all back in D’s room laughing so hard. 

Most of this group goes back to high school years or earlier.  So you can imagine the hilarious stories and memories flying around.  I loved it.  I feel very blessed and fortunate to know D and to get to know her friends in the process as well.   I’m the new kid to this circle, having only known her a little over a year! 

The Motrin worked!  I crawled out of bed the next morning with no hangover.  Just no voice.  Although while we were eating breakfast back in D’s room, I casually asked my roommate P if I snored.  She said I sure did and she had to put in her earplugs!  Oh my God!  I laughed but felt a little mortified too.  Do I really snore all the time?  No, it couldn’t be…it’s gotta be the martinis and champagne.

Right?

Come Meet My Soul – the Journey, Part 2

24 Saturday Nov 2012

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Last week I started a 4-part series of posts to explore more about the 4 qualities that really are truly, uniquely me. 

It’s the most delicious of Saturdays today.  The sun is peeking through the grey skies and slowly drying out the sogginess that was most of this week.  My Dad, brothers and I took Mom out to dinner on Monday for her birthday, had another amazing meetup with the book club Tuesday night and Thursday was a small, intimate Thanksgiving dinner with our Grandmother (age 96 1/2)!  Oh, and lots of intense work with the team during the day.  I’m relishing the memories of the week and just basking in feeling great.  Like many workplaces, we were closed Thursday and Friday.  Today feels like Sunday – but it’s not!  There’s one more day of relaxation to savor.  And boy did I need it!

While I love to shop, I’m very anti-Black Friday.  It’s beyond ridiculous.  I make a conscious point to do zero holiday shopping that day – not even online – and do something completely different.  On the rare occasion the weather is good, I’ve actually gone hiking.  Yesterday it was hitting the gym – hard.  I’m really getting into the groove of the rowing machine – it’s an amazing workout.  And I’m thisclose to breaking the 30 minute barrier on a 5000m row – yesterday my time was 30:44!  Oooh, maybe tomorrow is the day!

Now…where were we?  Oh yeah:  PASSION.  Yes…passion is yet another essential fuel that feeds me.  It’s defined as “intense enthusiasm.”  Yes, yes and YES!  Passion is giving everything you’ve got into what you’re doing or thinking about doing.  Being in the moment and savoring it.  Relishing it.  Enjoying it.  Doing your best.  It’s making a conscious choice to do something – or not – and to do whatever it is with passion.

And for me that can mean injecting a little humor into whatever it is.  Even mundane tasks like scrubbing the shower tile?  I love writing words with the scrubbing bubbles spray before cleaning.  Or making sudsy happy faces.  At the grocery store I marvel over all the wonderful choices we have, whether it’s produce, oils, cheese or flour. Even paper towels!

I shudder at going through the motions of life on auto-pilot.  Even crappy, normal things like bad weather, bad traffic…well, I just make sure there’s great music on in the car.  And try to eek out any tiny atom of humor in the situation.  In the shower I take in the scent of my favorite shower gel and really FEEL it on my body.  I feel my curves and notice my skin.  I remind myself that while I’m battling a few extra pounds, my body is curvy, strong and beautiful.  And I step out of the shower transformed!! I’m unstoppable!

When I play hockey I take in that first rush of cold air when I walk into the rink, anticipating the excitement ahead.  The satisfaction of suiting up and lacing up my skates just so.  The funny locker room banter with teammates.  The joy of setting up a great play.  The feeling out there on the ice – there’s nothing quite like it.

My dear friend T’s car license plate is PASSION.  Ah, that word makes me light up whenever I say it.  I can’t say it without smiling!

Passion can be loud, boisterous and brash…but also quiet, yet still energetic.  It’s a slow burning, steady pilot light (there’s that term again like last week!) that fuels me.  Without it we might as well fold up the tent and go home!

Now it’s time to get outside and go on a passionate walk between rainstorms, and make a passionate trip to the grocery store!

Next post: KINDNESS

Now with Three Times the Paprika!

30 Sunday Sep 2012

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Time for another soup recipe – ahhh, it’s been awhile!  And to get inspired, I reached for one of my most cherished cookbooks, The South American Table, by Maria Baez Kijac.  How long had this treasure sat dormant and idle in my cookbook stash before I realized what gems lie in these pages?  Years!

I had a partially filled bag of organic quinoa sitting on my counter, pretty much screaming silently at me to cook more of it!  [Side note:  I absolutely adore Bob’s Red Mill products. I’ve got everything from corn meal, pearl barley, the quinoa and even xanthan gum; if you’re into gluten-free cooking you know what that is!] But man oh man I wish they came in resealable packaging!  I just don’t have enough canisters and the fold-and-seal-the-plastic-bag-with-scotch-tape method is far from foolproof.

Doesn’t it feel great when you have a well-stocked pantry and end up with very few items on your shopping list when you want to try a new recipe?  Ahhh, maybe I’m slowly turning a corner there.  But I always do that ol’ smell test on my spices before I head out the door just in case.  If they’re not pungent, out they go and it’s time for a new jar.  This is an absolute must!

OK, so let’s get to it – here’s the recipe!

Sopa de Quinua con Chancho (Quinoa soup with pork)  Serves 8 to 10
  • 2 T olive oil
  • 1 tsp ground annatto or sweet paprika
  • 1/2 C chopped scallions (white part and 1″ of the green)
  • 1 C finely chopped leeks (white part and 1″ of the green), washed well
  • 1 medium-sized ripe but firm tomato (5-6 oz), peeled and chopped
  • 4 cloves garlic, mashed into a paste with 1 tsp salt and 1/2 tsp freshly ground black pepper
  • 1/2 tsp ground cumin
  • 3/4 lb lean pork from the leg or shoulder, trimmed of fat and cut into 1/2″ cubes
  • 6 C hot water
  • 1 lb potatoes, peeled and cut into 1″ cubes
  • 3/4 C raw quinoa, cooked
  • 1/4 C unsalted, dry-roasted peanuts or natural peanut butter pureed with 1 C milk
  • 1 C frozen peas
  • 8 large fresh basil leaves, chopped
  • Pinch of cayenne pepper
  • Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Heat the olive oil in a heavy 4-quart saucepan over low heat.  Stir in the annatto (or paprika), then add the scallions, leeks, tomato, garlic paste mixture and cumin.  Cook, stirring occasionally, for 5 minutes.  Increase the heat to medium and add the pork cubes.  Cook for a couple of minutes, tossing so they are well coated with the vegetable mixture.  Add the hot water and bring to a boil. Cover, reduce heat to low and simmer 45 minutes.

Add the potatoes, quinoa and peanut puree.  Partially cover and continue to cook until the potatoes are tender, about 20 minutes.  Add the peas, basil and cayenne and cook for a couple of minutes to heat the peas through.  Taste for salt and black pepper.

Serve hot, garnished with the parsley.

Fivenineteen notes:  I went truly organic with almost all of the ingredients in this recipe and headed out to the PCC Natural Market a short drive from my house to purchase the pork, frozen peas and fresh vegetables.  This is an organic grocery store co-op, and if you need high-quality specialty ingredients the nice people there will go above and beyond to find them for you.  I’m always fascinated by the products and the local, boutique-y brands.

As with lots of soup recipes, the chopping and prep work is the most time-consuming – but once you’re ready to rock it comes together quickly.  This was only a two pot meal, so not a lot of clean up.  Given the 45 minutes of simmering required, this is a perfect time to prepare the quinoa AND load the dishwasher!  I’m pretty anal about cleaning up as I go when I cook; I’ve been teased that sometimes it doesn’t even look like anyone’s been cooking when I’m done!

I chose not to seed the tomato and just chopped it up coarsely.  I was wondering if this would water down the soup too much because of the liquid-y tomato ‘meat,’ but it didn’t.  And I don’t understand the need to peel a tomato as this recipe calls for (and have no idea how to do it effectively – if anyone has a good method I’d love to hear from you). 

My eyes popped when I read the step about pureeing peanut butter with a cup of milk!  Wow, that’s a new one for soup…and in general!

Now, a few months ago I ranted about my small appliances kitchen battle.  My large Cuisinart food processor became useless as the lid would no longer latch onto the workbowl properly.  I ended up ordering a new lid and pusher assembly thingy online and last night was the time to test if it worked.  Thankfully, I’m occasionally pretty resourceful and I tested the food processor before putting the peanut butter and milk in it.

No dice.  Fuck! I STILL could not get the new lid (which has a slightly different type of plastic latch attached from the old one) to latch onto the damn workbowl!  I guess I should have ordered a replacement workbowl too.  If the parts don’t engage and lock perfectly, the appliance won’t run.  And I guess that’s a good thing for safety with those super sharp blades.  Grumble grumble…so now the nice people at Cuisinart will be sending me a new workbowl.  Now I’ve spent $100 on spare food processor parts, which is a little less than half the cost of a brand new one.  Will it be worth it?  Will the damn thing work again when the new bowl arrives?  Stay tuned.

Thankfully my smaller mini Cuisinart was large enough to puree the peanut butter and milk. 

Now, as I was getting underway heating the oil and paprika and adding the vegetables I glanced at the recipe again.  I’d plopped a beautiful tablespoon of paprika into the sauce pan and was mixing away…what a heavenly aroma…

…only to realize the recipe called for one TEASPOON of paprika, not a tablespoon.  And yep folks, there are 3 teaspoons in a tablespoon.  Fuck again!!

At this point I just thought screw it, I’m not going to mess with trying to remove some of the paprika out.  I just went for it and added the rest of the ingredients – in the correct amounts.  Thankfully the paprika did not overwhelm the soup.  The other spices are a nice counterbalance.

Here’s the author’s introduction to the recipe: “This is one of the oldest soups made in South America, dating back to the time of the Inca Empire.  After the conquest, pork and seasonings were added to it.  It is absolutely superb – full of wonderful flavors and nutrition.”

And in my version, a nice dose of paprika! 

Buon appetito!

The Active Equinox

23 Sunday Sep 2012

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Welcome, Autumn!  And welcome Spring to my southern hemisphere readers!  The season changes are such a sensuous time of the year. Along with obvious changes like the longer shadows during the day, a slight chill in the air and a longing to put away the sandals and rock my fall shoes and boots, I truly believe – if you breathe really deeply into the Universe – that you can FEEL the change.  The vibration shift.  The motions that are perhaps unconscious to us but are all around us.

I remember watching the Cosmos TV series (on PBS) as a young teen.  This was a special Sunday night ritual with my Dad (my Mom didn’t seem too interested in it).  While much of what Carl Sagan talked about was too complex for my young mind to understand, it stirred something within me.  As if to say that seeds were planted – you might not understand everything now, fivenineteen, but your curiosity will grow throughout your life with an ongoing hunger to learn.

One of his segments talked about motion – how even if we appear to be still, we are not.  I may be standing still on the ground, but the ground is not motionless.  The Earth is turning on its axis.  The Earth is revolving around the Sun.  Our solar system is cruising along in some random outer arm of our galaxy (or perhaps in and out of galaxy arms – some say that is the reason for our planet’s Ice Ages)…AND our whole galaxy is whooshing through the universe too!  To where I have no idea.  Or how fast.  All of this is mind-blowing to me when I try to make sense of it all.  And believe me, Carl Sagan explained those last few sentences far better and far more eloquently than I ever could.

So, I made some of my own tiny motions into the Universe this weekend – both mentally and physically.  My resume was overdue for an update, and it felt good to sit for a few hours and really focus on capturing my latest work activities.  It’s funny, for as much as I love to write, I sometimes run into writer’s block about my career.  How can it be so hard to summarize my latest accomplishments and job responsibilities into a few short sentences and bullet points?  I’m much better at speaking about it than writing about it, resume-style.  The work I’ve done over the past year and a few months is something I’m so very proud of.  And my team is dynamite – I truly, truly believe that NO ONE ever does it alone and that many helping hands make the load lighter.  This team embraces and breathes this same philosophy as well, and it shows.  It’s not lip service.  It’s something practiced constantly.  I know this work engagement is ending to free me up for my next opportunity (and also for practical reasons, such as the budget for my role runs out later this year), and it’s like stepping off with a leap of faith that the right next step WILL happen.  I’ve been through this cycle a few times over the past 6 years and I feel better taking that next unknown leap now that the job market has improved somewhat compared with the 2009-2010 era.

That was Saturday.  Man it felt so good to just breathe and savor the change of seasons.  The weather has been absolutely beautiful.  Plus I was able to get my car emissions test done on Friday afternoon (part of the requirement to get new license tabs), rather than gobble up part of a cherished Saturday driving a ways out to the site and waiting in line.  Ugh.  It’s a necessary thing to do but the car emission test site is one of those evil vortexes where time slows to a painful crawl.  Same with the oil change places too!

And Sunday I joined my dear friend T and her friend D (whom I’ve met once before) and D’s adorable chocolate Lab, Lucy, to walk in the Walk to End Alzheimer’s Pacific Northwest benefit!  This was an easy, relaxing, two-mile walk along South Lake Union, north of the downtown Seattle core.  This walk raised over $280,000 for Alzheimer’s research!  T, D and I learned in chatting that we had each lost a grandmother to Alzheimer’s, so this was an especially important cause for each of us personally.  T is also on the Seattle board – so proud of her generous donation of time and talent, especially having just started a new (unrelated) full-time job herself! 

Now, if you haven’t been around the South Lake Union area recently, you’re in for quite a wonderful surprise.  The area is transforming.  Beautifully.  Sure, there is some temporary pain, such as crazyass road closures, maze-like swirls of lanes blocked off and general confusion, especially for someone like me who tends to drive past this neighborhood rather than have it as a destination.  I’m so glad today’s Alzheimer’s Walk showed me just how beautiful a transformation this is, and it stirs up my hunger again to someday live and work in Seattle proper, rather than the suburbs where I currently call home.

I was a little bleary and tired when the three of us met up for our carpool (there’s that darn ol’ ‘not a morning person’ flaw again), but by the time we were ready to walk and walking I felt more energized.  The sun was out but not too strong given the time of year, the lake was beautiful, people dressed in purple were everywhere (the color for Alzheimer’s awareness) and it was nice to savor this part of Seattle on foot.  Honestly I tend to just drive and whiz through the South Lake Union area or more recently avoid it all together given all the construction and transformation underway.  So it was fun to see the lake, the Kenmore Air seaplanes taking off and landing and the view of Gasworks Park (my very first apartment after college graduation was just up the hill from it – dumpy apartment but great views – you have to start somewhere!)

On my way home I felt on a roll and made a beeline to my gym (where my trainer, B, is kicking my ass every Wednesday night).  I had made a commitment to get in the gym Sunday nights, but I had a party to go to, so I figured why not get some more gym time in while I’m feeling good and on a roll from a fun but not too-strenuous-walk earlier? 

I think I’m going to be addicted soon to the rowing machine.  What a nice change from the treadmill.  I love how it relaxes tension in the upper back and shoulders.  It just feels like more of a full-body workout than the treadmill, and I truly appreciate B showing me the basics on how to use it, from the resistance settings, the “10 and 2” rocking motion back and forth (as in 2:00 forward and all the way back to 10:00 and so on) to getting your feet placed properly in the grips.  I rowed 2000m (1 mile and 427 yards) in 12 minutes!  My goal is to get up to 5000m at a stretch.  I also did some weight and lunge work, lat pulldowns, plus the somewhat-evil hamstring strengthener using a fitness ball for resistance.  Yep, I think I will be feeling all of this tomorrow for sure.

And I topped off the weekend with a party with my hockey teammates at our co-founder’s soon-to-be-second new donut shop!  It was great to see everyone and share a few laughs and hugs.  I love these guys like brothers and/but know my decision to take this season off is the best one for me.  I was happy that they were open to having me come back next summer season.  It’s never guaranteed – I don’t take that for granted – but it is nice it might be an option for next spring.  It will all depend on where I am at that point and if I really, truly miss the ice and the game of hockey after my break.  I have a feeling I will.

While I appreciated the food (and donuts!) provided at the party, I kept it to just one slice of Canadian bacon pizza and one beer. 

After all, I’m proud of the progress I’m making physically.

Reunited and it feels so good…and so painful

19 Sunday Aug 2012

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Ah yes…there actually ARE muscles in there, way down deep in my core.  And my hamstrings and my pecs…

And I’m still feeling the burn, 3 days after that workout!  Truly hilarious.  Oh wait – it’s not good for me to laugh too hard right now – my abs hurt when I do!

So what’s going on here?  Well, as mentioned last week I am committed to shifting my routine and getting back to basics with physical fitness.  Hockey is going to take a sabbatical and I’m going to use money normally budgeted for league fees and put it toward my kick ass personal trainer, B.

Who, really and truly, kicks my ass.  B first started training me back in 2009 at the gym I’ve belonged to for now nearly nine years.  I’d never worked with a personal trainer before, but I was inspired by my manager at my job at the time, who took the plunge and hired a personal trainer for himself.  And I got to thinking, hmmm…my gym had finished undergoing a major remodel, complete with brand new exercise equipment throughout.  It would be fun to learn how to use it with a professional!  I was in the process of doing Couch to 5K, a running program for beginners and felt on a wee bit of a fitness roll!

Everyone at the gym recommended B.  He’s been training there a long time and is a fixture.  But hardly with his style…no, he is all about variety and creativity with workouts, which is EXACTLY what I need.  I’d seen him working with other clients over the years so I had a general idea of his demeanor.

I enjoyed working out with him so much…we’d meet up Tuesday nights and Sunday late mornings.  Try as he might to get me to join his Sunday morning spinning class I always opted out – it was too early for me on a day of the week I cherish sleeping in.  Never once was his workout for me exactly the same – truly inspiring and impressive.

Then the economy tanked and I was out of a job.  Ah yes, summer 2009…so wonderful with personal accomplishments and yet so damn shitty with the job market.  So while I clung to my gym membership – I truly needed it to keep me sane during those unemployed months – I had to make personal, financial cutbacks and training with B was one of them.  Of course he totally understood – things like this happen all the time.

So last Thursday – after 3 years – we got back to business.  Ironically it was one of the hottest days of the year so far – highs in the mid 90s (36c).  It seemed a little odd to be heading indoors on such a beautiful evening but on the other hand, I was jazzed and motivated to get back to it.  “Let’s Rock & Roll,” as B always says before our workouts!

Planks.  UGH.  I’m wayyyy out of practice doing them, so he had me do some variations on ab crunches to get started.  I also did some step up exercises on a stool so he could gauge my balance on how well I can step without needing to push off with my lower foot.  Sad but true, after age 40 or so we as women can start to lose our sense of balance.  And I have a small handful of stories to totally prove that true – a few female friends/co-workers have taken tumbles on stairs or outside on office steps shortly after turning 40.  I too have had a few klutzy incidents – thankfully most with no witnesses (meaning, at home).

I also did some upper body work (man, that feels great to bust through the neck/shoulder tension after slaving away on a hot laptop all day) and some diagonal lunges with hand weights.  And side moves with kettlebells to target those obliques. Believe me, that hour went fast.  It was intense and I was dripping in sweat by the time we were finished.  What a great feeling!

…Until the next morning.  Oh man I was in agony, but not in a bad way.  Although changing positions while sleeping, getting out of bed and simple things like walking down stairs, sitting down on the – ahem – throne and getting out of my desk chair at work after a bit was excruciating.  I was probably walking around looking like I was severely constipated.  HA!

The plan is for us to train Thursday nights and I’ll get in the gym on my own on Sunday nights and Tuesday nights.  Starting this Tuesday, ha ha.

This weekend was all about FOOD.  Lots of great, glorious food.

One of my cousins is getting married later this fall on Catalina Island.  We had a bridal shower luncheon on Saturday in her honor, hosted by a family friend with a beautiful home in the Queen Anne neighborhood in Seattle.  Such an elegant menu as well…the soup was a chilled puree of tomato, peach, a little chicken stock, cream and fresh tarragon.  It was so unexpected and heavenly and I’m in hot pursuit of the recipe so I can post it for all of you here – simply glorious!  We also had small sandwiches, spinach Quiche, an arugula salad and a trio of small scoops of sorbets for dessert with hot coffee.

And if I thought I’d never be hungry again the next day, I actually was.  I went to visit L (my guy BFF) today, as he had finished designing and printing new business cards for my Silpada jewelry business.  I’m thrilled how the cards turned out and can’t wait for the new batch of accompanying postcards too! 

Lunch was in order and L was in a burger/sports bar mood.  On our way in the car we passed Thai Siam, a longtime, casual and fabulous Thai restaurant in Seattle’s Crown Hill neighborhood, just north of Ballard.  And they were having their annual benefit buffet, so we thought, why not?  An all-you-can-eat buffet of incredible Thai food benefitting local causes (Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission and Cancer Lifeline…that’s a no-brainer!)

My goodness Thai Siam brings back memories.  In the early 1990s when I’d finished college and was just starting out working full-time, eating out was a luxury I craved (I hardly knew how to cook save for mac & cheese and Boboli pizza).  Heck, anything beyond basic rent and utilities (and other basics like pantyhose but that was the era then) seemed a luxury.  But a mutual friend of my roommate’s raved about Thai Siam, and while it is not pricey in the general sense it was a splurge – and well worth it – on my entry-level salary.  And how wonderful to visit it again after 20+ years!  Along with live Thai music and dancing, a spontaneous barbershop quartet grabbed the microphones and sang a few songs, including Happy Birthday to a man celebrating his 21st with his family!  The waiter walked up to him with a smile and asked him, “hey, do you want a beer?”  Before he could answer his mother piped in with a flat-out “NO.”  Hilarious!

I love spontaneous weekends like this.  And I catch my breath that it’s mid August – we hold tight to summer here in Seattle for it’s often too fleeting and brief.  But when the sun shines here, there is nowhere on Earth more beautiful.

Now, where did I put my Motrin?