Tag Archives: guilt

Anything, Anytime…Really?? Part Deux and More

10 Sunday Feb 2013

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Last week I jumped into my latest Intuitive Eating assignment…to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, whether I’m hungry or not…while being present and mindful.  For an entire week. And to notice how I feel!  As I mentioned last week, to many this might sound like a fun food vacation of sorts…a bender!  A freedom binge! Wooohoooo!  But I felt panicky and nervous, fearing I’d gain even more weight or only crave junk foods and end up malnourished.  Now, the rational part of my brain knows that one week is not going to break me in any way.  Not weight-wise or nutrition-wise.

But let me back up for a minute.  When did all this insanity about worrying about my weight, trying diets and continually failing start for me?  I remember the trigger now…like it was yesterday.

When puberty started with most of my friends, my body was one of the later ones to join in.  All of my friends were having their growth spurts, starting to wear bras, get their periods…but not me.  Was something wrong with me?  When was it going to happen for me?  I felt left behind but there was absolutely nothing I could do.  My Mom reminded me that she didn’t go through her growth spurt until she was 14 or so and that it’s hereditary.  Well, telling a 12-year-old to wait two years is a prescription for a long, painful wait.  Two years to a 12-year-old is eternity.

So…around age 14 or so, I did finally grow.  About 7-8″ in a year.  I remember going to my doctor’s office for a checkup.  I was 5′ 3″ (this is after the growth spurt) and around 103 lbs.  Still getting used to my new body, but SO relieved I’d finally grown (although I wished I could be 5 or 6 inches taller, ha ha)! 

Here’s the trigger:  my doctor took out a piece of paper and a pen and started writing down his projections on how much weight I would gain every year for the next few years as I reached my full height.  He told me I needed to start watching my weight, because according to him I would end up about 5′ 3″ or 5′ 4″ and weigh 130 lbs!  Which was too much according to the height/weight charts in his office!  I should be no more than around 120 or 125 lbs, he said.  HOLY FUCK!  I was sooo happy to be growing up, and then I get a smack down…a warning.  A pre-punishment.  Don’t ever hit the dreaded 130 lbs, I now thought!  UGH!  Something will be horribly wrong with me if I gain 27 lbs over the rest of my life!

Was this the type of ‘responsibility’ I would have as a teen and as a woman, to watch my weight?  I guess I thought it was!  And when a voice of authority tells you this you internalize it deeply.  He’s a doctor – he’s been my doctor since I was a baby.  Doctors are smart people.  I should listen to everything he says and do it and not question it.  So…I didn’t. 

A few days later my folks took my brothers and me out for ice cream.  We did this occasionally as a special treat…and I LOVE ice cream!  But I remembered my doctor’s words to ‘watch my weight,’ and, with tears in my eyes in the store, decided not to have any ice cream.  I sat there in the store and felt so weird and ashamed.  Maybe this is what it meant to watch my weight – to say no to a scoop of ice cream I really wanted?

So whooomp there it is.  From then on, my fear of weight gain became a clanging gong in my head.  Is this a kind of a morphed self-fulfilling prophecy?  What I feared eventually became reality for me?  Help me out here, psychology-oriented readers!

I felt happy and proud about last week’s assignment to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  But when I had my phone coaching session, I was told I was being too restrictive.  I was only eating when I was hungry, which resulted in a more grazing or snacking way of eating.  I liked how I didn’t have that hunger pain and light headed feeling I would typically get between 4 and 5pm at work. 

What are my FORBIDDEN foods, she asked me.  I could only muster up an answer like granola, because I’ve always been told to avoid it because it’s high in fat.  But I DID have a bowl or two during the previous week and felt satisfied!  Where am I still being judgmental about what I eat when I write about it in here?  Honestly I am probably too close and emotionally attached to my feelings and my words to see it.  Could it be where I unconsciously applauded myself on only taking a couple spoonfuls of risotto from the food bar for lunch, rather than thinking “hey, I ate risotto today and felt great”?  Maybe that’s it!

When we finished our phone session I was exhausted.  I felt sad and angry.  I felt like I had done a great job over the past week with my eating assignment, but internalized the feedback as ‘you’re doing it wrong again, fivenineteen.’  Fuck, I  hate that stupid voice in my head!  I learned that before I can achieve my longer-term goal of normalizing my weight, that I might actually gain some weight over the next few months during this process.  And how would I feel about that eh?  Oh good Lord, I choked up inside.  Gain even MORE weight? That horrifies me.  She and I talked through this…and I’ll spare you the details but trust me it was emotional and scary. 

I know way deep down on a practical level that this intuitive eating process is going to reset my body into knowing it CAN have any food any time it wants.  It’s not going to starve (which is what the body thinks is happening to it when we diet).  But that practical info and how I’m feeling about potentially gaining more weight still has a deep crevasse between it.  How do I bridge this?  Do I build a “mental” bridge to understand this more…or just take a running leap off the edge of the crevasse and hope I land on the other side, whether it’s on my feet or a funny belly flop?  Can I truly leave behind the feelings I got instilled in me circa 1981 from those words from my doctor?  Truly once and for all?

I have such a deep hunger (no pun intended) to understand so many things around me.  Well, not everything, but I am naturally curious.  On the flip side, I have no desire to understand how my car works.  It gets me safely from point A to point B and I make sure it’s maintained properly. I don’t know exactly what is done when they change the oil or check the tire pressure and I don’t care to know…I only know it’s good to do it.  I don’t have any desire to understand how my digestive system works.  Well, maybe on a high level, but not at the molecular/chemical level.  Never was much into biology.  But yet I’ve been told I have a tendency to ‘clue out’ on certain things.  I miss key points.  This just leaves me feeling frustrated and angry.  How is my need to understand things either empowering or disempowering me through this intuitive eating journey?  Well, I suppose it could be disempowering.  Intuitive eating is not a diet.  And it’s so goddamn hard to try to explain that to people, especially this time of year when people are still holding onto new years resolutions to diet or do cleanses, etc.   And how diet-obsessed we are as a society any time of year, really.

Instinctively I want to know…how long is this process going to take?  And oh, I now may have to take a step *backwards* and gain more weight in the short-term?  Yeah, I felt ‘backwards’ in my brain so I wrote that word down; I don’t do a lot of editing when I write in here.  But maybe gaining some additional weight isn’t a step backwards at all…maybe it’s just…a step!  I’ll have to keep working on that one for sure.

So are you wondering what I’ve been eating this past week?  Here we go.

What are my truly forbidden foods?  Maybe I’ve unconsciously been rejecting them so hard for so long that I’ve blocked them out of my mind without even recognizing it anymore!  How can I think about this without over-thinking  it?  Hmmm…OK here’s a few.  Deep fried foods like tempura or KFC.  Super processed foods like velveeta cheese or beef jerky.  French fries.  Red licorice.  And drum roll….FAST FOOD!!  Aha!  I realized the fast food dealio after I’d gotten home from work and the grocery store.  Let me tell you about the grocery store this time around!

I walk down aisles I rarely ever walk down.  Looking at candy, cookies and crackers.  What jumps out at me?  I fill my basket with smoked sausage sticks (kind of like beef jerky…I love sausage), pesto-flavored bagels (which I will toast and smear with cream cheese oh yeahhhh), more sliced pepperoni and a piece of berry-flavored cheesecake.  Then the movie-theatre style of popcorn, which I will drizzle with melted butter.  Pickles!  Huge, dill pickles!  Starburst candies!  YES! 

Meanwhile, I have never farted so potently and so frequently in my life.  Good grief on Friday afternoon at work I was a putt-putt-puttin’ motorboat.  Thankfully I had very few meetings that day and wouldn’t risk my co-workers keeling over getting downwind of me!

Friday night dinner…glorious mac and cheese with white cheddar.  I started off with some sausage sticks (there’s the esophagus burning but so worth it).  And some cheese puffs.  A pickle while the pasta was boiling and another after dinner.  Then popcorn with butter later in the evening!

Saturday morning breakfast…V8 juice and berry-filled cheesecake!  Afternoon goodness:   I rotate between the cheesecake, pickles, sausage sticks and some pepperoni slices with cream cheese.  So what else is on my personal forbidden foods list?

Ahhh…ice cream!  I never keep it in the freezer anymore on purpose.  But I picked up some Ben & Jerry’s…when was the last time I had ice cream like this?  Delicious. And then I DID IT.  Funny how there is a McDonald’s and a Dairy Queen each within walking distance from my house.  I’ve always had this proud feeling that after living here a decade I had never EVER set foot in either of those places.  OK, one time I had a Blizzard though.  So as I was driving up to the McDonald’s I felt kind of tingly and nervous.  This was a funny feeling actually and it surprised me!  I’m not feeling very hungry at all but that quarter pounder goes down so smooth and tastes SO good.  Yep, that’s a forbidden food alright!  Oh and the fries too. 

I feel proud I’ve realized what else is on my forbidden foods list besides granola!  And I’ve eaten a few of them…yeah I felt a little guilty but not regretful.  Sure I felt a little bloated yesterday but I woke up today feeling great.  Not with the typical hunger pangs that wake me when I sleep in on the weekends.

Sunday morning breakfast and grazing…more Ben & Jerry’s some V8 juice and the cheese puffs.  Oh and pepperoni slices with cream cheese.  These all taste sooo good.  I feel a little weird but feel happy! 

I trust this process, I trust this process…ergh but I’m still fighting off the weird feelings.  And trying to explain this to friends or others not on this journey?  Well, that’s fodder for another post.

Anything, Anytime…Really?

03 Sunday Feb 2013

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

Panic. Terror. Anxiety.  When I got my latest ‘homework’ during my second Intuitive Eating phone coaching session on Thursday, I freaked out.  It was like drawing a mental blank…my mind couldn’t compute what I was hearing.  I could envision nothing but a black, dark void.

My homework?  For one week, eat anything you want, whether you are hungry or not.  The only caveat is to be 100% PRESENT and MINDFUL to what you are eating.  And notice how you feel!  Gah!!

But I promised to commit myself 150% to this process.  To be ready to transform myself and bust free of dieting hell and the yo-yo weight gains and losses I’ve sustained over the past nearly 20 years (eek, that’s nearly half my life!).  I’ve conditioned myself to only eat carbs during dinner (a la the Carbohydrate Addicts diet) which I’ve attempted twice, each time gaining back the weight I lost and then some.  Yep, that ‘carbs only at dinner’ mindset is tattooed in my brain, and I still beat myself up mentally when I stray. I’m learning that I could actually be unconsciously dieting without even thinking about it!  Oh dear, what a smothering, vicious cycle this is!

So.  With this week-long experiment the idea is to quiet my mind (yeah, good luck with that).  Quiet my mind and instead listen to what my body says it needs.

To some this might sound like HOT DAMN, HOO DOGGY…woohooo!!  For me it was terrifying.  And still is – I’m just a few days into it.  What am I afraid of?  Honestly, I’m afraid of gaining even more weight.  I’m afraid of bingeing and feeling like I’ve eaten too much and “should” slow down or stop.  I’m afraid my body will only crave unhealthy foods and I’ll end up malnourished.

But, I dove right in.  They say to do one thing a day that scares you, right?  This is definitely it!  So below is a peek of my food journal.  I started this experiment February 1.  Ahh, there’s something nice about a new calendar page and a new start.  The timing was fantastic.

February 1:  Breakfast was a morning food “Gulp,” (not what I would call breakfast):  a chunk of cheddar cheese.  I feel rushed and stressed and not necessarily hungry as I’m trying to get out the door and in the car to drive to work.  I force the cheese down; it’s at an earlier time of morning I’m not usually eating, but I force it down because I’m worried I’ll feel hungrier later in the mid morning which is my prime-time for more difficult tasks at work and meetings.

Mid morning snack:  Dried squares of seaweed, flavored with salt and sesame oil…YUM.  I feel zing-y inside and nourished, energized.  Light.

Lunch:  I head over to the large eating area on our company campus.  They have an incredible variety of food choices, including a hot food bar which I really enjoy.  I pick up 1 large meatball with seasonings.  It looks hearty but the meat is really pink and undercooked inside so I stop after a bite.  Disappointed.  I also got a couple of squares of portabella mushroom ravioli.  I feel a little guilty eating carbs and cream sauce during lunchtime but it’s so rich tasting.  Eating slowly to savor the taste.  And a couple scoops of barley risotto.  I love the crunch and nutty texture which is different from the ravioli.  I feel full and don’t finish the second spoonful.

Afternoon snack:  Sea salt and vinegar potato chips.  I took a few moments to inhale the aroma in the bag – the vinegar scent makes me feel energized.  I’m not very hungry but I eat a few anyway.  Next a handful of raw, unsalted almonds.  I was starting to feel low on energy but I felt full still.  The afternoon energy drop I typically experience between 4 and 5pm was not as severe as it’s been when I’ve eaten low/no carb lunches.

Evening of 2/01:  I’m not really feeling super famished – this is great!  I go to the grocery store and don’t feel freaked out (I hate the feeling of being at the grocery store when you’re hungry).  I purchase a couple of containers of Greek yogurt, on-the-vine tomatoes, more of those dried seaweed snacks with sesame oil flavor, pesto, gum, sour cream, chips, organic mac & cheese, sushi for tonight and some beer.  Around 9pm I eat the sushi…it’s brown rice style with sashimi and I mix the wasabi with some spicy wasabi-infused soy sauce in my fridge.  YUM.  I feel elated and full of energy…love the spicy flavors and the seafood!  The rice makes me feel satisfied and not bloated.

Saturday February 2:  I don’t eat anything until 11am.  I was hosting our annual HOA meeting at my townhouse and was feeling excited to see everyone and a little anxious too.

After the meeting I had a piece of cheddar cheese and three huge glasses of V8 juice.  I feel alive and happy, like the juice is nourishing me!  And few small slices of spicy pepperoni.  My stomach feels a little irritated and my esophagus burns a little, but I like it.  Then around 1pm I had a sudden hunger urge.  I found a small serving of leftover pasta and vodka cream sauce in a Tupperware in the fridge. About 2-3 bites. I ate it cold.  Just what I needed!  I feel happy.

I later went to the PCC near my house.  I’m always endlessly fascinated with the variety of foods they carry!  I was in search of primrose oil capsules (they’re supposed to help stabilize PMS cravings and mitigate breast tenderness, among other things), chocolate mousse, organic butter on sale, cilantro lime spread and some live raw bars.  Then I went to my favorite spa for a long-overdue waxing appointment.  Time to get the eyebrows shaped and tinted too…I’m back in job hunting mode bigtime and need to get cleaned up to look my best for interviews!   I got there early and went to the Starbucks across the street to get a nonfat latte.  The lemon pound cake inside the pastry case literally jumped out at me – I need a piece!  I ate about half of it in very small bites.  It made me feel alive and happy.

Dinner:  I am hungry and want mac & cheese.  It’s 5:30pm and I instinctively think OMG no, it’s too early to start dinner.  I start a load of laundry instead.  Then it’s 6:00 and I say fuck it, I’m hungry, let’s start the water boiling.  I made a full box of mac & cheese and ate about 1/3 of it with some shredded mozzarella cheese on top (cheese on top of cheese LOL). I feel happy and full!  The rest goes in the Tupperware for another time.  I had some chips with that cilantro lime spread as a dip later in the evening.  And a couple spoonfuls of the chocolate mousse.  Delighted!

Sunday February 3:  It felt wonderful sleeping in a little later (11am).  I was feeling thirsty so I grabbed a big glass of water and took my typical round of supplements (which now includes the evening primrose oil).  Was I feeling hungry?  Yes, a little bit…so I grabbed some pomegranate-flavored Greek yogurt and had a big glass of V8 juice.  I feel full and a little bloated after finishing the glass of juice – maybe I drank it too quickly.  I love the flavor though!

I came back from running errands and am suddenly hungry again!  So I have a few small bites of the leftover mac & cheese from last night.  I feel guilty about doing that!   And a glass of water.  About an hour later I’m not feeling particularly hungry but I really want one of the raw bars I purchased yesterday.  It’s a chocolate/coconut flavor and it’s delicious!  Now I’m full again.

So, as you can see this is still a very new process for me. Food and my weight are very emotional to me, but it’s hard for me to put those emotions into words, whether on the phone with my coach or in writing here.  So I’ll keep working on it and not beating myself up if I’m not ‘doing it right’ (compared to WHAT, right??)

I vow to reject the diet mentality…saying goodbye and GOOD RIDDANCE to 15+ years of trying/failing at Carbohydrate Addicts, by losing and re-gaining 30-35 lbs each time.  I need to envision shedding the dieting mentality like when an animal molts.  They grow, transform and gleefully walk away from their old skin.  It doesn’t fit and doesn’t suit me any longer!