Tag Archives: stress

Hiding in Routine

29 Sunday Dec 2013

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…well, as much as I can during Christmas time and all the end of year stuff. Every day gets a little better. Every day gets closer to January 6. Everything will be back to its routine then. Meanwhile, I hide as best I can. Head down at work…that’s been pretty easy because it’s a lot busier than it usually is according to those who have been with our team a few years. It just wasn’t quieting down! The week of the 16th was crazy! So many people were taking the last two weeks of December as vacation and so everything was getting crammed through the week prior.

Then this past week…it was perfect timing to just bury myself reading through tons of that documentation, with minimal of the usual meetings and constant emails pouring in. Nice. And to get to the gym…workout, go home, shower and relax with a light dinner. I have had my exercise routine in place since late July/early August, so it’s really becoming a good habit now. Working out 6 times a week seemed like the most daunting thing to me, but it’s now something I look forward to. That sacred hour after work…it’s all mine.

But I’ve felt like a fucking cliché this Christmas season. Dealing with the blues…maybe some days (or hours) better than others. I’ve been quiet. Not very chatty. Not very happy.  I thought I was doing OK with the loss of my Grandma (she passed away November 24), and my break up with J earlier in November. [I guess this really was a break up…when he offers to come by and finish some repair work but then never shows that’s pretty fucking lame.  And so out of character.  Weird.]

So maybe I really haven’t been OK.  Where’s that fine line between taking time to grieve and heal vs. wallowing?  I don’t know.  I thought I was doing alright but something tripped me up in December and I realized WOW.  My grandmother won’t be with us for Christmas.  Ever again.  And once again, I’m single.  Which sucks during the holidays, as much as I try to block out those expectations floating around.  Expectations I had for myself as well.

I don’t know if it’s J or maybe the idea of J.  Being in a relationship…one that was almost going on a year.  I was ready to introduce him to my parents and other friends beyond those he’d already met.  Meanwhile, he was ready to tell me he wasn’t in love with me.  Wow.  How far apart we were and we didn’t even know it.

I’ve confided in a few trusted friends and even a co-worker who is a real confidante. That’s not something I typically do – I don’t like sharing personal woes in great detail with co-workers – but it’s actually provided some comfort, and a trusted male opinion is gold.

The hardest days were Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Now those are in the rear view mirror, whew. I worked Christmas Eve and then went to my folks’ house for dinner. Mom always makes a big pot of cioppino which is delicious.  And we exchange presents and all.  It just felt very weird, stiff and forced.  And that’s how I was feeling too.  I tensed up walking into the house.  It was just the 3 of us.  And oh how I so wanted there to be a 4th.  With me.

Christmas dinner was at my aunt and uncle’s house.  They always throw amazing dinner parties and love to entertain.  My uncle is a fantastic chef.  OK, so the prime rib wasn’t ready until 9pm.  But it sure was delicious!  The highlight was meeting my cousin’s new twin boys (born in early September!).  They are fraternal and so cute!  But babies go to bed early so we didn’t have a lot of time to play.

Don’t get me wrong…I love my family.  I just felt like a weird leftover and it was horribly uncomfortable being in a house full of people with everyone coupled up but me.  What is WRONG with me?  I decided to just lie low and listen.  Listen more than chat.  If someone asked me a question I answered it really briefly and turned it around with a ‘How about you?’  That generally seems to work.

The amount of alcohol consumed that night blew me away.  Ever been the only one not drinking in a crowd of people who are?  Try it sometime…it’s pretty eye-opening.  I sat quiet at the table, just listening to the ramblings going on around me, focusing on slowly savoring my food.  Same stories pop up, same debates I hear around me.  It meant nothing. It all rang hollow. I didn’t enjoy it.  One of my cousins talked a lot about a house she and her boyfriend bought and how they are going through tons of renovations.  I said “it sounds great, and you’re doing it in partnership – that’s wonderful.”  I guess my words went right over her head and meant nothing.  Whatever.

Nobody noticed.  Nobody cared.  Nobody said hey, are you alright?  You’re being awfully quiet! You seem a little down.  What does THAT mean?  Sure makes me feel forgotten and misunderstood.

Later after dinner my folks left without even saying goodbye.  Weird…and I was a little worried about them driving home to be honest.  But the next day my Dad said how great an evening that was.  WERE WE EVEN AT THE SAME PARTY?

I’m just struggling to get through the rest of the holidays and on to a much better 2014. Every day past Christmas gets better!  And my new calendar is already up!

Quarantine and Purge

17 Sunday Nov 2013

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Well yuck.  What’s that they say about colds…treat one and it goes away in a week – don’t treat it and it takes 7 days?  If that’s true we’re on day 3 here and it sucks.  I feel like a deflated balloon full of phlegm.

My friend T says it’s the stress of the past week that caught up with me.  I guess she’s right!  I’ve been staying strong, sticking with my workouts, finding some private time to cry a little and focusing on my work.  I haven’t been sick ALL YEAR and feel pretty damn good about that!  Normally 2 or 3 colds a year is typical.  I started to feel a little tingly and sneezy late Friday afternoon at work.  But I went to the gym as usual and did my weight training.  I was feeling a little weak but not super weak…I knew Aunt Flo was right around the corner so I chalked it up to that.

On Saturday I woke up feeling like my sinuses and throat were full of sandpaper.  Oh no, here we go…it’s a cold alright.  This weekend was one of those where my team works overnight and I was slated for the 1:30am – 10:00am shift on Sunday.  Yes, that’s AM on Sunday.  Thankfully I was able to get someone to back me up.

And I called my friend P sad and in tears…last night was her Bon Voyage party, as she gets ready for a trip of a lifetime…Belize, Australia and New Zealand!!  It’s a dream come true for her and I’m so excited!!  And so sad I couldn’t come to her party and see her.  But no way was I going to risk spreading cold germs around.

So it’s Quarantine time for fivenineteen.  Sometimes we need alone time to recharge the batteries, but too much of it makes me feel so isolated and lonely.  Thankfully I had enough stuff this past week to keep me connected and happy.

My youngest brother is up here on business quite a bit, and we met up at my house after our gym workouts one night to start putting my bedroom back together.  It was just over a month ago that J helped take my bed apart and get things temporarily set up in my 3rd bedroom so R could finish the popcorn ceiling scraping and finishing in my bedroom, master vanity and the walk-in closet.  Our plan once that was finished was to paint, shampoo the carpets and then put the room back together.  Love it!

How much things changed in a month.  How wrong I was about where our relationship stood. Now I have no idea when I’ll hear from J again.  I texted him last week to let him know I was doing alright.  We talked about getting together on Veterans Day to work on some more stuff here and he texted back sure, how about that afternoon? Sounded great to me.  But he went dark and I never heard boo and haven’t since.  So I can’t count on him right now and that makes me feel like I got punched in the stomach.  Breathe, breathe and give it space.  Lots of his tools are down in my garage, so at some point he’s going to want them back.

So my brother helped put my bed back together.  And I had a good talk and cry about everything with him too.  Ahhh…my beautiful bed, back in its frame and everything!  It won’t be hard to move it when it’s time to paint on that side of the room.  Yep, getting back in my bedroom trumped the carpet shampooing this time around.  Oh well…I can always have a carpet cleaning service do it.

Now I am blessed with a completely empty walk-in closet!  Which needs updating big time – it’s still got just one shelf and dowling for hangers in one row on three sides!  Ha ha 1980!  So where are all my clothes and shoes?  Downstairs in the living room on a railing and piled in huge garbage bags!  Oh, what a glorious mess!!

But as I like to say, there are no accidents.  Sure I’ve cleaned out that closet periodically over the years, but never like this.  Seeing all my clothes in a completely different setting was exactly what I needed to take a good, hard look at everything. So far I’ve filled 8 huge garbage bags and hauled them off to Goodwill!  YES!  Man it feels great to purge.  I found stuff I’d completely forgotten about.  And since I’ve lost weight I’ve been able to fit back into many things I couldn’t before!  It’s like shopping in my own closet!  Other stuff goes into the ‘no’ pile…stuff I’m sick of, stuff that’s out of style and stuff I haven’t worn in years.  They say we wear 10% of our wardrobe 90% of the time.  Do you think that’s true?  I try to NOT do that but I bet I probably do too.

So I’m going to pull the trigger and have the nice people at California Closets design a better solution for me.  Years ago they did a design and quote but I never got around to it…and if I remember correctly I’d planned to use part of my tax refund for it but changed my mind.  Now it’s time.

No Accidents

18 Sunday Mar 2012

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I truly believe there are no accidents in life.  Things DO happen exactly as they’re supposed to.  Sometimes that’s hard for me to fully accept – perhaps there’s a wee or not so wee streak of control freak in me.  Sometimes I get frustrated and pouty when things don’t happen WHEN or HOW *I* want them to.  Sounds kind of childish.  But that stream flows in me and creeps up when I get extra tired and stressed.  Kind of sounds like the last few weeks…I’ve re-read a few of my recent posts in here and yowza – I’ve got a lot going on and boiling within me!

So what to do about it?  Nothing?  Something? Yesterday things unfolded so deliciously, one by one.  I’m not Irish but perhaps I got a much-needed dose of St. Patrick’s Day luck.   And given so much got crammed into March 17, 2012, it was a good thing the day got started a little (lot?) earlier than usual. 

Yep, I got my tired self out of bed, dressed and over into the wonderful Ballard neighborhood of Seattle for a fun mini spa and nutrition seminar at my new friend M’s condo.  YES!  Another jaunt into the city – this totally refreshes me.  I couldn’t believe the snowflakes as I whizzed through Seattle in my car.  I met M at a Silpada jewelry party my friend T hosted back in December.  M is one of those wonderful souls with warm energy – the type you’re just drawn to!  She told me about a line of skin care and nutrition supplements she represents and asked if I would be interested in coming to one of her seminars!  Absolutely, I said!

Know when you meet someone and during your conversation they tell you “oh, we should get together and…” …and you never hear from them again?  Or you just fall out of contact? Not a big deal – nothing personal – but when someone DOES really, truly reach out to you with a sincere invitation to join them to learn about something they’re so passionate about, well, that energy is contagious! 

Even just the journey of driving back into the Ballard neighborhood made me smile.  I lived in some adjacent neighborhoods the first half of the 1990s before moving back to the suburbs – my childhood roots.  And the only reason I moved was due to my work commute.  The company I worked for at that time moved from downtown to the suburbs, which would have made my new commute via bus or car a nightmare.  Le Sigh…I often wonder what path my life might have taken had that company not moved.  I’d likely still be in the city.  

I can’t believe how much Ballard has changed.  Tons of new condos and apartments have sprouted up in this formerly somewhat-sleepy slice of Seattle.  I laughed as I had forgotten about allowing extra time to find street parking – surprisingly packed on a Saturday morning.  Could have easily been a Friday night! I dressed a little over optimistically in khakis, an olive green cashmere tank top and a denim jacket.  Damn that was a cold and biting wind as I dashed a few blocks up to M’s condo.  I’m glad I threw on a pashmina wrap before leaving the house. Brrrr.

M represents Usana Health Sciences.  So much to learn about all of these products! Everything from shampoo to nutritional supplements.  I have just scratched the surface and would not do it justice to explain more about it here but boy it is intriguing.  M, her neighbor and I had a fun mini spa at her dining room table, trying out a few exfoliating products, cleansers and moisturizers…with wonderful hot towels heated in her slow cooker! I’m so glad I wore a sleeveless top under my jacket.  Ahhh, I rubbed extra product onto my forearms and elbows. 

I’m taking the plunge and trying their 5-day “reset” program.  It’s designed to help your body kick carbohydrate cravings which spike blood sugar.  I’m not sure what it’s going to be like for me to replace a meal or two a day with a shake for a few days, but I’m going to give it a try.  Two years ago I kicked a 25+ year addiction to Diet Coke cold turkey and I don’t miss it one bit.  If I can do that without any bodily freakouts I can try this Reset program for 5 days, right?  I’ll likely have more to blog about it once the pack arrives next week.  Hmmm!  Years ago I tried adjusting my eating to where I only eat carbs at one meal – usually dinner.  It DOES make a difference.  I’m not as rigid about it now…I occasionally have a sandwich at lunch and today just finished a bagel with cream cheese.  Maybe I do need to be more hard core.

Is it just me or is anyone else noticing how many people are hungering (no pun intended) for better health?  Or other “health” like a more sustainable planet (recycling and all things Green)?  Organic food?  Overall wellness and happiness?  I swear I’ve sensed this spike up since we flipped the calendar pages to 2012.  I wonder what’s going on?  Or it is because we’re so much more uber-connected now because of Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and on and on that we can’t help but NOT know what everyone is up to? 

I pondered these things as I relished my mini facial (and forearm facial) at M’s place. We chatted for a bit before I left…I think I was still in winding down mode and destressing after another busy work week.  But I was sure grateful for a friendly ear!

L invited me over to his place that evening – he wanted to make tacos and watch hockey on TV together.  I’d already made plans to see T but I told him I would call after leaving M’s, as L also lives in Ballard.  I swung by for a quick hello and visit.  He’d been sick this past week and I while I didn’t want to risk catching anything I did want to go see him – would have been silly to be such a short drive away and not drop by.  Ahhh…THIS was the fun hanging out with L that I remember.  No stress from my townhouse project he’s been helping me with, no me being cranky coming home from work and him hanging out at my place, falling asleep in front of the TV or what have you.  He told me how much his web design and photography business is growing and how busy he is.  Wonderful! I had to get back into Kirkland for an appointment but as I left he gave me some IKEA shelving he wants to help set up for me in my garage.  Says we just need some one by eights and we’re good to go.  Hmmm, I think that means a size of plywood but I will let him figure that out for me.  He also wants me to join him out on the coast next weekend.  He’s doing a photo shoot and the client has given him use of a very nice vacation rental house.  You know, I just might go!  Good to get out of town for a bit and I’d have my own room and all.

When I got back over the bridge I realized I had about an hour to kill before my appointment at The Woodmark Spa over on Carillon Point.  On a whim I called the spa asking if they could take me any earlier.  Surprise…they could!  Ah, efficiency.  And while my spa treatment was more, ahem, maintenance than pampering, it’s always great to see my aesthetician…can’t believe it’s been over 10 years now!

I stopped at the grocery store, grabbed a nice bottle of Pinot Noir and later drove over to Sammamish for a girls night in with T.  She was going to try a new brownie recipe, baked with Guinness!  How perfect for St. Patrick’s Day!  I brought a couple of trays of jewelry for us to play with too and she picked out some amazing new pieces.  And damn that Pinot went well with chocolate!  That’s some of the ingredients in today’s picture.  I feel so blessed to have T in my life – she is such a cherished friend!  She even gave me a coupon for a discount on a 2-day workshop about understanding men.  Can this topic really be covered in two days?  I’m kind of joking here but in a way not really!  T has absolutely raved about this and other similar workshops she’s attended.  She says it’s not only improved her dating life but also her quality of friendships with women (and men) too!  Wow!  Sign me up…late April it is.

I slept in till 11am today and savored every moment, remembering my wonderful luck-filled Saturday.  I’ve got a late hockey game tonight – last game of our regular season…so a nap might be in order later this afternoon!  Meanwhile, I have a new book thanks to my new friend D.  Strengths Finder 2.0, by Tom Rath.  I can’t wait to discover what’s inside!

Lost Hour, Gained Time

11 Sunday Mar 2012

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…and wouldn’t that be nice eh?  The gift of time is one of the most precious of all.  And here I sit on a glorious Sunday…quiet save for a little street noise.  And yet I glance at the clock and grumble.  I so fucking hate Daylight Savings Time I don’t even know where to begin.  And I’ve probably bitched about it in last year’s posts.

No, wait – I haven’t.  Or maybe I mentioned it briefly somewhere last year or even in my posts from March 2010.  Hmmm, go take a peek and see for yourselves.  Dang…Marches have been tough the past two years – a whole lot of memories come flooding back as I glance through those old posts.  Ahhh, I do see a DST rant in a March 2011 post.  At least I’m consistent.

Why am I so anti-DST?  Well, I’m a terrible morning person.  So when we do this Spring Forward thingy and move our clocks an hour ahead, it takes me a good week or so to adjust.  I feel like I’m constantly running late – running behind.  Exhausting, especially for someone like me who tries to be pretty punctual. And yet when I travel and do time zone changes, it doesn’t bother me one bit (well, overseas travel takes a day or two to adjust but that’s expected).  And I snap out of hating mornings.  I’m somewhere new and different and don’t want to just sleep the day away!

I’ve been stressed out the past few weeks – work, HOA stuff, the popcorn ceiling scraping project and on and on.  I finally admitted to myself that while my townhouse isn’t super duper neat and clean, at least when I make a mess it’s MY mess.  Now I’m in a state of transition, as L and I slowly progress through the popcorn ceiling scraping project.  My rooms are rearranged and oddly cluttered.  And it’s disruptive.  Messy.  As I’ve posted before, I now totally get why people move out during home renovations whenever possible. 

So I was mentally gearing up for another round of ceiling scraping with L this weekend.  The plan was that he was going to come over to my place Friday afternoon, work from there, crash on my couch and then we’d start work first thing in the morning.  This is what we’ve done before and it’s worked out really well.  We hadn’t done any work the past few weeks given our schedules and I was looking forward to getting back to it.

Those of you who regularly tune in here know that work has been stressful.  I come home at night mentally fried and it takes me awhile to unwind and untangle my knotted forehead.  While it’s the “good” kind of stress (mostly) that motivates me, it still takes a toll.  I had a big smile moment on Friday when my Manager asked me if I planned to take off any time for vacation in July.  And I giggled and said well, you know, this really could be a moot conversation!  My work assignment is slated to wrap up end of June, by design.  So while I’m not getting my hopes up – things like budgets need to be approved and all – I take it as a teeny good sign that my engagement could be extended out a few more months.

I trekked into downtown Seattle after work to toast a friend’s birthday.  Happy Hour at PNK Ultra Lounge.  It was wonderful seeing friends again and a nice change of scenery getting out of suburbia and into the city – something I achingly long for.  More city time.  Sometimes this girl in the suburbs feels a little out of place.  That’s probably more fodder for another post!

I had told L I had a great idea for a slow cooker recipe for Saturday and he seemed all for it.  I had a shopping list somewhere deep in my purse and knew I needed to grab groceries when I got home.  But when I got closer to my house I had to pee so bad I couldn’t just go right to the store.  I got home, gave L a big hug and just unwound for a few minutes.  The hot UPS man had delivered more new Silpada jewelry samples and I couldn’t wait to unpack them all and play!

L was hungry and so I grabbed a pizza along with the stuff for cooking tomorrow morning.  I was going to make a Bolognese sauce in the slow cooker and then bake it over some sliced polenta and a little parmesan cheese.  GREAT comfort food.

I got back home again, unpacked the groceries and realized I needed to go upstairs and do a little more work on the home laptop here.  Which was completely misbehaving and running super slow.  I couldn’t launch what I needed to and had to reboot the laptop several times.  I felt guilty for being upstairs and not spending time with L, watching TV together.  Finally (FINALLY) I got my additional stuff done.  It was probably 9:30 by now and I was not in a happy mood.

I went downstairs and unpacked a few more jewelry samples.  Just kind of shuffled the little boxes around, trying to get my mood stabilized and happier.  L and I talked about the plan for Saturday and got caught up on the latest Californication episodes.  I gotta admit, this series is growing on me – it’s been out for a few years but I didn’t have Showtime until just recently.  (But the Charlie character will always be Harry Goldenblatt to me – just saying).

Around 11 we were both tired.  I went upstairs to sleep.  When I woke up Saturday morning, it seemed really quiet downstairs.  I went downstairs and L (and the dog) were gone.  So was his car.  I figured he went out to get coffee but then I found a note by my phone.  Said he wasn’t feeling well and went home – didn’t want to wake me up. 

NOT happy here.  I’d slept off my weeklong stress and was psyched to get to work and tackle more of this project with him.  Now, I felt flaked out on and, frankly, taken advantage of.  Here was someone I let hang out in my house all day and left before doing the work he promised he’d help me with. ERRRGHHH!!  We texted and he told me he wasn’t feeling well and that I seemed cranky.  Hmmm, probably not a good combination.  Then we chatted on the phone for a bit.  We’re definitely going to reschedule – we just haven’t confirmed when.

So once again I sat in my living room and had a moment.  What the hell is going on here?   Am I REALLY that much of a cranky bitch that people don’t want to be around me? How did I go from happy person enjoying a night out with friends to coming home and feeling overwhelmed again at home?  On the other hand, L knows what he’s getting into when he stays at my place.  We are not dating and the vibe is totally different when it’s a platonic, male friendship vs. something romantic, obviously.  It’s kind of like having a part-time roommate.

And then I wondered: is there a technology conflict between my internet service and his?  He uses a portable, wireless service when he comes over here to work.  Does that conflict with mine?  Hey, if anyone out there has any theories let me know.  Or is it just a coincidence that every time he’s here and working and I fire up my laptop my speeds are down to a crawl?

And then I wondered more:  why am I taking him leaving so goddamn personally?  He’s not feeling well.  End of story.  And if someone is sick they should be home resting and not spreading germs around.  I remembered to stop, breathe and remember The Four Agreements.  One of which is Don’t Take Things Personally.  Yep, that’s my uber challenging one – a lifelong lesson for sure.  Once again, I let someone push my buttons.  Sensitive buttons.  

So now I breathed again…this is a gift of time!  Let’s be positive here! Gosh, what can I do on a now freed-up Saturday?  Well, I connected.  I got caught up with two friends over the phone and later went to a nearby craft store to check out jewelry display trays.  Normally craft stores make me mental – I have little patience for crafts – but a little browsing and shopping (candles and ocean-scented potpourri) was just what I needed to reset. 

Now I’m just enjoying the afternoon and may grab a nap before hockey tonight.  Yep, the ground beef went into the freezer – I’ll save the Bolognese sauce cooking for another time…just like the home projects.