Tag Archives: depression

Hiding in Routine

29 Sunday Dec 2013

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…well, as much as I can during Christmas time and all the end of year stuff. Every day gets a little better. Every day gets closer to January 6. Everything will be back to its routine then. Meanwhile, I hide as best I can. Head down at work…that’s been pretty easy because it’s a lot busier than it usually is according to those who have been with our team a few years. It just wasn’t quieting down! The week of the 16th was crazy! So many people were taking the last two weeks of December as vacation and so everything was getting crammed through the week prior.

Then this past week…it was perfect timing to just bury myself reading through tons of that documentation, with minimal of the usual meetings and constant emails pouring in. Nice. And to get to the gym…workout, go home, shower and relax with a light dinner. I have had my exercise routine in place since late July/early August, so it’s really becoming a good habit now. Working out 6 times a week seemed like the most daunting thing to me, but it’s now something I look forward to. That sacred hour after work…it’s all mine.

But I’ve felt like a fucking cliché this Christmas season. Dealing with the blues…maybe some days (or hours) better than others. I’ve been quiet. Not very chatty. Not very happy.  I thought I was doing OK with the loss of my Grandma (she passed away November 24), and my break up with J earlier in November. [I guess this really was a break up…when he offers to come by and finish some repair work but then never shows that’s pretty fucking lame.  And so out of character.  Weird.]

So maybe I really haven’t been OK.  Where’s that fine line between taking time to grieve and heal vs. wallowing?  I don’t know.  I thought I was doing alright but something tripped me up in December and I realized WOW.  My grandmother won’t be with us for Christmas.  Ever again.  And once again, I’m single.  Which sucks during the holidays, as much as I try to block out those expectations floating around.  Expectations I had for myself as well.

I don’t know if it’s J or maybe the idea of J.  Being in a relationship…one that was almost going on a year.  I was ready to introduce him to my parents and other friends beyond those he’d already met.  Meanwhile, he was ready to tell me he wasn’t in love with me.  Wow.  How far apart we were and we didn’t even know it.

I’ve confided in a few trusted friends and even a co-worker who is a real confidante. That’s not something I typically do – I don’t like sharing personal woes in great detail with co-workers – but it’s actually provided some comfort, and a trusted male opinion is gold.

The hardest days were Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Now those are in the rear view mirror, whew. I worked Christmas Eve and then went to my folks’ house for dinner. Mom always makes a big pot of cioppino which is delicious.  And we exchange presents and all.  It just felt very weird, stiff and forced.  And that’s how I was feeling too.  I tensed up walking into the house.  It was just the 3 of us.  And oh how I so wanted there to be a 4th.  With me.

Christmas dinner was at my aunt and uncle’s house.  They always throw amazing dinner parties and love to entertain.  My uncle is a fantastic chef.  OK, so the prime rib wasn’t ready until 9pm.  But it sure was delicious!  The highlight was meeting my cousin’s new twin boys (born in early September!).  They are fraternal and so cute!  But babies go to bed early so we didn’t have a lot of time to play.

Don’t get me wrong…I love my family.  I just felt like a weird leftover and it was horribly uncomfortable being in a house full of people with everyone coupled up but me.  What is WRONG with me?  I decided to just lie low and listen.  Listen more than chat.  If someone asked me a question I answered it really briefly and turned it around with a ‘How about you?’  That generally seems to work.

The amount of alcohol consumed that night blew me away.  Ever been the only one not drinking in a crowd of people who are?  Try it sometime…it’s pretty eye-opening.  I sat quiet at the table, just listening to the ramblings going on around me, focusing on slowly savoring my food.  Same stories pop up, same debates I hear around me.  It meant nothing. It all rang hollow. I didn’t enjoy it.  One of my cousins talked a lot about a house she and her boyfriend bought and how they are going through tons of renovations.  I said “it sounds great, and you’re doing it in partnership – that’s wonderful.”  I guess my words went right over her head and meant nothing.  Whatever.

Nobody noticed.  Nobody cared.  Nobody said hey, are you alright?  You’re being awfully quiet! You seem a little down.  What does THAT mean?  Sure makes me feel forgotten and misunderstood.

Later after dinner my folks left without even saying goodbye.  Weird…and I was a little worried about them driving home to be honest.  But the next day my Dad said how great an evening that was.  WERE WE EVEN AT THE SAME PARTY?

I’m just struggling to get through the rest of the holidays and on to a much better 2014. Every day past Christmas gets better!  And my new calendar is already up!

Sneaky Depression

15 Sunday Dec 2013

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WOW, what a difference a day makes!  Yesterday was a struggle to make it happy, productive, useful.  Well, it was Saturday and that usually slows my pace way down…so I try not to put too much pressure on myself to do too much.  That’s hard this time of year with the holidays and all.  I still haven’t finished up all of my shopping.  And Aunt Flo really kicked my butt this time around.  Notsomuch with the cramps (hurray – great benefit of regular exercise), but my emotions completely went down the tubes for a couple of days.

And I guess I hadn’t (haven’t?) finished getting over a couple of recent losses.  I woke up on Saturday feeling swallowed up in depression.  I miss my Grandma so much.  She was such a gift to our family and everyone she knew.  It’s hard to describe, but it’s like she was indestructible.  Now I know that can’t be true…we’re all human and have limited years on Earth.  Grandma was lucky to have 97 and a half of them…most of them active and healthy.

I haven’t written about J in awhile.  Most of the posts about him were about fun things we did together.  And all of the help he provided getting my garage cleaned up and so much more.  It’s been just a little over a month since he told me, after nearly a year, that he’s not in love with me and won’t ever will be.  I thought I was doing OK taking this on board and moving on with my life, but yesterday just really dragged down my spirit.  I’m single…again.  And this time of year that’s hard.  I guess I make it hard on myself, I don’t know.  Going to family gatherings, single.  I think that’s the hardest part of Thanksgiving and Christmas.  When I get really, really down I start feeling like a leftover freak sitting at the dining room table with everyone.  You want people to ask you if there’s a special guy in your life.  And when they don’t ask you wonder…do they just expect you not to – ever?  Have they given up on you?  I see my youngest brother and my younger cousins all getting married, having children.  Seeing their little ones over the holidays – that’s the best part! 

I never wanted kids (I knew this as a young teen actually) but I DO want a long-term, loving partnership in my life.  I know he’s out there somewhere.  I just thought we’d have met by now.  I see everyone around me paired up.  Are they happy?  I sure hope so.  I’m so fucking tired of having to do things on my own.  Try to take care of my townhouse alone.  Make plans to renovate, remodel, travel the world…I don’t LIKE traveling solo and get resentful when I have to take on the burden of planning and paying for home repairs and projects.  Do I wait until I have enough cash saved up?  Or take on debt? 

My townhouse is in a state of limbo and mess.  I have clothes everywhere that I’m slowly weeding out and getting packed off to Goodwill, and a new walk-in closet will get built in early January – hurray!  I’m just embarrassed that everything is taking so long.  My folks came over to drop off my Grandma’s new bed and pillow she had just the last few weeks of her life.  It will be perfect for my guestroom for now.  I apologized for how messy my place was and almost started crying right in front of them.  I never have them over.  I know that’s probably ridiculous because they’re just one suburb over.  I’m embarrassed at how out of date my townhouse is compared to their house, my brother’s, etc. I’m overwhelmed and sad.  There’s clutter everywhere. 

So all of these emotions really weighed me down yesterday.  It took all I could dredge up to force myself to get in the gym and do some intervals on the treadmill.  I was waiting for those endorphins to kick in…but they didn’t.  Oh well, at least I did SOMETHING active and burned some calories. I like how the gym is really feeling comfortable to me, like a broken-in shoe.

L (my guy BFF) invited me over to his place last night to cook dinner with him and watch hockey.  He wanted to make turkey burgers, cous cous and a kale salad, awww.  Normally I would have loved this chance to hang out and joke around, but I called him and apologized that I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be good company, I told him.  I went around yesterday with tears literally welled up in my eyes.  On the treadmill.  At the grocery store looking for some amino acid supplements. L said you know what, fivenineteen, you’ve got a pretty fucking good life. Don’t get so down on yourself.  I smiled a little into the phone while I looked around at the clutter inside my house.  And the popcorn ceiling that still needs to be scraped off downstairs (not to mention upstairs).

I just needed to ride out this wave of depression and stay home last night.  I’m glad he respected my choice.  He lives in a great part of Seattle, but it’s a 45 minute drive from my house and in the mood I was in I just wasn’t up for it.

So today (Sunday) is worlds better.  I’m feeling much more like ‘me’ again.

Club 45

20 Sunday May 2012

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How in hell did I get to be 45?? Before I go into panic mode, let me breathe and remember…what’s that saying about getting older…enjoy it because it’s a privilege denied to many.  Ah, now that feels better.

I really do feel younger and sillier than I did in my 20s and 30s.  I was trying to stake a claim at some sort of career path and figure so much out.  Sure I had fun, but I was pretty serious at the core. 

And the two paths of my life, personal and professional, really started ‘forking’ and developing (or not) in very different ways.  I wouldn’t call myself a whiz or expert in my jobs, but I do good work and I’m proud of it.  I’m proud that I can provide for myself and support myself in a fairly decent lifestyle.  The personal side of me, well, that’s been a slippery path.  I struggled with depression starting in my late 20s and early 30s.  My friends, cousins and my brother were all getting married and having children…really turning into ‘adults’ I guess.  And me?  Nope.  Why wasn’t it happening for me?  Sure, there were dates and a few boyfriends but none of those relationships went anywhere.   Was there something wrong with me?  Did I miss something important about adult life or successful romantic relationships that everyone magically learned and I spaced?   Ugh, I hate feeling like some weirdo leftover freakazoid.   What was it??

Well, a few rounds of counseling and the school that is Life have helped immensely.  I never wanted to try going on antidepressants or anything.  Something about the fact they chemically alter the brain kind of freaks me out.  Maybe that’s not entirely a true statement.  I know many people who have taken them and it’s been extremely beneficial for them.  

I just keep trying to be open and self-aware and continue to grow and improve wherever I can at being the best I can be.  Sure there have been years that were clunkers, growing/rebuilding years and, looking back, a few that were downright shitty.  I’m a firm believer that everything happens exactly as it’s suppose to happen, even if the reason for it is not entirely clear in the moment.  And I never, ever give up.  I know that positivity is one of my strengths.  Yes, I do want to get married eventually. 

So, yesterday was my birthday (and the reason for the name of this blog too).  Given this was a mini-milestone birthday of sorts, I decided I deserved a little extra pampering. 

I got a massage on Thursday.  Hoo doggy, this was such an amazing experience that I am probably going to shuffle around some of my budget so I can get one monthly.  Kind of sad it’s been 5 years since I’ve had one!  And it shows alright!! J had her work cut out for her, as my upper shoulders and back are cement-like and full of knots.  I joked with her ahead of time about this and we had a good laugh.  She also suggested I play around with how I have my work and home laptops positioned.  My arms are pretty short compared to my torso and rest of my body, and she says I likely have the keyboards too far away, so the constant reaching causes stress and strain in my arms, shoulders and pecs.  Ah, makes sense!  Kind of sad how “just” working away at a desk on a computer can cause injuries over time!  Oh, and how did I connect up with J?  She is a client of L’s; he built her website in the link above.  Nice!

So on my actual birthday I had a wonderful lunch with my folks at Milagro in downtown Kirkland.  Such a prime spot right on Lake Street!  And the weather was beautiful, so everyone was out with kids, dogs, biking, roller blading…just glorious.  And crowded too; I joke that when the weather gets nice you simply cannot be in a hurry if you are driving through that part of town. 

This was the first time at Milagro for all 3 of us.  And what do they say about first impressions…the ambiance is very nice and we were seated at a very generous sized booth.  Only when the server brought the menus did we notice a large area of the table had not been wiped clean.  Oops.  Later when our iced teas came my Mom’s glass was dirty.  Ew.  Thankfully they were very apologetic and fixed the problems quickly, but after that I was closely inspecting every piece of silverware and the dishes as we were served the whole rest of the lunch! Too funny.  The food was very good – we had a trio of salsas and chips for appetizers, and I had a wonderful chopped salad with carrots, corn, black beans, avocado and radishes…and a few other things that escape me right now.   Mom had a shrimp salad with apples and jicama and Dad chose the Enchiladas.  Delicious!

So I figured I need to stop denying myself indulgent things (within reason so I don’t break my budget) and just spend time getting more pampering.  Reserving time in my life to relax and recharge without guilt.  The massage was a huge, glaring reminder in neon letters that this is SO important to my well-being and feeling totally connected with my body.

Later in the afternoon I spent a little time shopping at Sur La Table – gosh we are so blessed to have this store in Kirkland!  I picked up some new kitchen hand soap and lotion (limoncello scented, yes!) and some tongs and a flexible trivet both in happy apple green.

And I topped off my pampering with a much-needed, overdue pedicure.  This was a total last-minute decision – I was so happy they had an opening!!  Now I can wear my open-toes shoes and sandals without cringing, well, for the next couple weeks or so.  Love it.

Summer hockey season starts tonight! I can’t WAIT to get back on the ice.  THIS is the best way to fight off good ol’ middle age…skate your ass off with a bunch of late 20-something (mostly) teammates.  Who I love like brothers.