Tag Archives: 4 agreements

When There’s Nothing to Say at Three

09 Sunday Sep 2012

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Well hmmm…and WOW.  Here I am at the keyboard.  Hi, everyone!  It’s my typical, wonderful Sunday blogging ritual unfolding before me – I SO look forward to this time – and I have nothing. And yet I don’t normally worry about not having something to write about on these Sunday afternoons.  Sometimes I get inspired early in the week and just ‘know’ that’s what I want to write about.  And sometimes I don’t get inspired until late on Saturday, or even when I wake up on Sunday.  Sometimes – rarely – it’s been a big ol’ crickets chirping and I’ll take a mental vacay.  Sometimes I like to blog about my latest cooking adventure – lately it’s been a soup passion a-brewing within.  But last night was a (fabulous) repeat…I made Crema de Cangrejo (crabmeat soup, my own way – unpureed) – I’ve had this wackadoodle seafood craving for the last few days and figured, why fight it?

But I didn’t want to take a mental vacay today, so I’m bravely sitting here just rambling.  This is an important week here in fivenineteen land, for this Blog turns THREE on September 15th!  I can’t believe it!  I distinctly remember the day I sat down and got started.  And I remember reading lots of advice about blogs and how to start them, attract followers, keep people engaged and all that.  Oh, and to always have a theme in mind for your blog.  Theme?  Well, I said fuck that.  Things are eclectic and all over the place in here and most don’t seem to mind (right??).  Ramblings on cooking, makeup, shopping, hockey, fitness or lack thereof, homeowner freakouts (oops, I mean projects), work or lack of work…it’s all here and it’s all me.  I’m closing in on 200 posts which is pretty mind-blowing.  And survived a move earlier this year from Blogspot over here to WordPress land – sooo worth the effort. And bonus – I got rid of the “-” in my url name – hooray!  Have I ever told you all that a few years ago – long before fivenineteen – that I met with an intuitive healer (aka psychic) who told me that I have things to write about that others will want to read.  I honestly had not made that connection between that conversation and being here now.

So I guess things are in a comfortable groove right now.  There’s still much to do though.  The popcorn ceiling scraping project is moving along at a snail’s pace – L and I have talked about this and he’s promised we’ll finish as much as we can this month.  I have a slew of jewelry I’m getting ready for my first ever retired sample sale next weekend, and I’m having it in a restaurant rather than my house.  I’m so excited for this because it’s something I’ve never tried before – who knows, it could turn into an annual event!  I now have a new garbage disposal – damn I have the best plumber in the world – and so that’s a huge relief off my shoulders (stupid, mysterious leaks no more).  I’m getting back in the gym and working out with a trainer on Thursdays and it’s been amazing.  So many eye-opening discoveries about my shoulders and posture and muscle tone that need work…not to mention everywhere else (hello, core, I’m talkin’ to YOU).  And I need to get my resume updated pronto…as of right now my work contract is scheduled to wrap up in November.  They may be able to find budget to keep me on through January – which would be awesome as that’s our project launch timeframe – but that’s still not confirmed.  And it’s so refreshing to know it’s nothing personal…having transparent conversations with your manager is bliss.  Believe me, it’s not always that way when you do consulting/contracting work, as much as I strive for it.  Healthy is best!

Speaking of not taking things personally, that’s a hard one sometimes.   Especially when it’s a shift in close friendships…meaning, close friendships that have blossomed for years and years that somehow have devolved and have been downgraded to arms length acquaintance or to the type now that you only now “see” on Facebook.  This hurts.  It sucks.  And notice I’m using the word frienshipS.  Plural.  ‘Cause there’s TWO of them that are threatening to fade to black.  And it makes me sad…and angry too.  My knee jerk reaction is what the fuck.  What the hell have I possibly done to piss either of these two ladies off (who don’t know each other, by the way).  Why won’t you return my phone calls, emails or texts saying hey, would be great to see you and catch up, how are you and blahblahblah.  Or even worse…respond to me with very nice things to say but nothing in response to the ‘hey let’s get together part.’

But, sometimes no answer is your answer.  I get it that we’re all busy and whatnot.  Oh wait, make that “CRAZY busy.” Sometimes I think being busy is almost like bragging rights.  Well, look at me here and how busy I am…I’m FAR busier than you, therefore I’m superior. 

And AHA!  HERE’S the article about this that totally sang to me.  Where did I find it?  On Facebook, of course!  “… I recently wrote a friend to ask if he wanted to do something this week, and he answered that he didn’t have a lot of time but if something was going on to let him know and maybe he could ditch work for a few hours. I wanted to clarify that my question had not been a preliminary heads-up to some future invitation; this was the invitation. But his busyness was like some vast churning noise through which he was shouting out at me, and I gave up trying to shout back over it.”

Anyone out there have a friend who drops off the map when he/she gets into a new relationship?  I’ve been guilty of that too.  One of these ladies has been in a relationship that apparently is pretty serious (from what I see of all their Facebook pictures…see where I’m going with this?).  Or ever have a friend who will now only do things as couples, hence us single folks get left off the invite?  Hell, I’ve been a 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel at many parties and it’s no problem for me.  I guess it is for others.

So, I’m sad…it almost feels like two mini ‘deaths’ of sorts and even more painful because they’re both happening at the same time.  And perhaps I’m a little jealous too, but no, probably not as I’m not a jealous type.  I have to just keep looking and moving forward and, if both of these friendships DO fade away, that opens my soul up for whatever/whoever is supposed to come into my life next.

It just sucks in the meantime.  And wow, I guess I really DID have something to say today after all.

Lost Hour, Gained Time

11 Sunday Mar 2012

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…and wouldn’t that be nice eh?  The gift of time is one of the most precious of all.  And here I sit on a glorious Sunday…quiet save for a little street noise.  And yet I glance at the clock and grumble.  I so fucking hate Daylight Savings Time I don’t even know where to begin.  And I’ve probably bitched about it in last year’s posts.

No, wait – I haven’t.  Or maybe I mentioned it briefly somewhere last year or even in my posts from March 2010.  Hmmm, go take a peek and see for yourselves.  Dang…Marches have been tough the past two years – a whole lot of memories come flooding back as I glance through those old posts.  Ahhh, I do see a DST rant in a March 2011 post.  At least I’m consistent.

Why am I so anti-DST?  Well, I’m a terrible morning person.  So when we do this Spring Forward thingy and move our clocks an hour ahead, it takes me a good week or so to adjust.  I feel like I’m constantly running late – running behind.  Exhausting, especially for someone like me who tries to be pretty punctual. And yet when I travel and do time zone changes, it doesn’t bother me one bit (well, overseas travel takes a day or two to adjust but that’s expected).  And I snap out of hating mornings.  I’m somewhere new and different and don’t want to just sleep the day away!

I’ve been stressed out the past few weeks – work, HOA stuff, the popcorn ceiling scraping project and on and on.  I finally admitted to myself that while my townhouse isn’t super duper neat and clean, at least when I make a mess it’s MY mess.  Now I’m in a state of transition, as L and I slowly progress through the popcorn ceiling scraping project.  My rooms are rearranged and oddly cluttered.  And it’s disruptive.  Messy.  As I’ve posted before, I now totally get why people move out during home renovations whenever possible. 

So I was mentally gearing up for another round of ceiling scraping with L this weekend.  The plan was that he was going to come over to my place Friday afternoon, work from there, crash on my couch and then we’d start work first thing in the morning.  This is what we’ve done before and it’s worked out really well.  We hadn’t done any work the past few weeks given our schedules and I was looking forward to getting back to it.

Those of you who regularly tune in here know that work has been stressful.  I come home at night mentally fried and it takes me awhile to unwind and untangle my knotted forehead.  While it’s the “good” kind of stress (mostly) that motivates me, it still takes a toll.  I had a big smile moment on Friday when my Manager asked me if I planned to take off any time for vacation in July.  And I giggled and said well, you know, this really could be a moot conversation!  My work assignment is slated to wrap up end of June, by design.  So while I’m not getting my hopes up – things like budgets need to be approved and all – I take it as a teeny good sign that my engagement could be extended out a few more months.

I trekked into downtown Seattle after work to toast a friend’s birthday.  Happy Hour at PNK Ultra Lounge.  It was wonderful seeing friends again and a nice change of scenery getting out of suburbia and into the city – something I achingly long for.  More city time.  Sometimes this girl in the suburbs feels a little out of place.  That’s probably more fodder for another post!

I had told L I had a great idea for a slow cooker recipe for Saturday and he seemed all for it.  I had a shopping list somewhere deep in my purse and knew I needed to grab groceries when I got home.  But when I got closer to my house I had to pee so bad I couldn’t just go right to the store.  I got home, gave L a big hug and just unwound for a few minutes.  The hot UPS man had delivered more new Silpada jewelry samples and I couldn’t wait to unpack them all and play!

L was hungry and so I grabbed a pizza along with the stuff for cooking tomorrow morning.  I was going to make a Bolognese sauce in the slow cooker and then bake it over some sliced polenta and a little parmesan cheese.  GREAT comfort food.

I got back home again, unpacked the groceries and realized I needed to go upstairs and do a little more work on the home laptop here.  Which was completely misbehaving and running super slow.  I couldn’t launch what I needed to and had to reboot the laptop several times.  I felt guilty for being upstairs and not spending time with L, watching TV together.  Finally (FINALLY) I got my additional stuff done.  It was probably 9:30 by now and I was not in a happy mood.

I went downstairs and unpacked a few more jewelry samples.  Just kind of shuffled the little boxes around, trying to get my mood stabilized and happier.  L and I talked about the plan for Saturday and got caught up on the latest Californication episodes.  I gotta admit, this series is growing on me – it’s been out for a few years but I didn’t have Showtime until just recently.  (But the Charlie character will always be Harry Goldenblatt to me – just saying).

Around 11 we were both tired.  I went upstairs to sleep.  When I woke up Saturday morning, it seemed really quiet downstairs.  I went downstairs and L (and the dog) were gone.  So was his car.  I figured he went out to get coffee but then I found a note by my phone.  Said he wasn’t feeling well and went home – didn’t want to wake me up. 

NOT happy here.  I’d slept off my weeklong stress and was psyched to get to work and tackle more of this project with him.  Now, I felt flaked out on and, frankly, taken advantage of.  Here was someone I let hang out in my house all day and left before doing the work he promised he’d help me with. ERRRGHHH!!  We texted and he told me he wasn’t feeling well and that I seemed cranky.  Hmmm, probably not a good combination.  Then we chatted on the phone for a bit.  We’re definitely going to reschedule – we just haven’t confirmed when.

So once again I sat in my living room and had a moment.  What the hell is going on here?   Am I REALLY that much of a cranky bitch that people don’t want to be around me? How did I go from happy person enjoying a night out with friends to coming home and feeling overwhelmed again at home?  On the other hand, L knows what he’s getting into when he stays at my place.  We are not dating and the vibe is totally different when it’s a platonic, male friendship vs. something romantic, obviously.  It’s kind of like having a part-time roommate.

And then I wondered: is there a technology conflict between my internet service and his?  He uses a portable, wireless service when he comes over here to work.  Does that conflict with mine?  Hey, if anyone out there has any theories let me know.  Or is it just a coincidence that every time he’s here and working and I fire up my laptop my speeds are down to a crawl?

And then I wondered more:  why am I taking him leaving so goddamn personally?  He’s not feeling well.  End of story.  And if someone is sick they should be home resting and not spreading germs around.  I remembered to stop, breathe and remember The Four Agreements.  One of which is Don’t Take Things Personally.  Yep, that’s my uber challenging one – a lifelong lesson for sure.  Once again, I let someone push my buttons.  Sensitive buttons.  

So now I breathed again…this is a gift of time!  Let’s be positive here! Gosh, what can I do on a now freed-up Saturday?  Well, I connected.  I got caught up with two friends over the phone and later went to a nearby craft store to check out jewelry display trays.  Normally craft stores make me mental – I have little patience for crafts – but a little browsing and shopping (candles and ocean-scented potpourri) was just what I needed to reset. 

Now I’m just enjoying the afternoon and may grab a nap before hockey tonight.  Yep, the ground beef went into the freezer – I’ll save the Bolognese sauce cooking for another time…just like the home projects.

Always Do Your Best

26 Monday Dec 2011

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When I read or hear those words in the title above I get childhood flashbacks.  I can hear my first or second grade teacher tell this repeatedly to us in class as we worked on whatever assignment she gave us.  Or my parents telling me the very same thing whether it was in ballet class, that paper mache project, Easter egg dyeing or learning to ride a bike without training wheels.  Over and over.

But it’s also the 4th agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements.  Ah.  A few weeks back I made a commitment to read one chapter a week and blog about it.  And I’m just a couple weeks behind given another book which distracted me profoundly and a quick mental vacay on my typical blogging day Sunday last week.  But it’s all good.  Now I am realizing this is probably my last post of 2011.  Where does the time go?

OK, focus.  Ruiz sums up this chapter like this:  “Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.”

See what I mean about words that are so simple and so profound?  I’ve probably made that comment ten million times in each post about these Agreements.  Don’t plan on this book being a quick read if you really want to get the most out of it.  You’ll want to re-read each chapter several times.

And the beauty of this chapter is that this 4th agreement points back to the other 3.  Always Do Your Best to…1. Be Impeccable with your Word; 2. Don’t Take Things Personally; and 3. Don’t Make Assumptions.

Ruiz goes on to explain how much “doing our best” will vary.  When we’re relaxed and refreshed our best is going to be better than when we’re tired.  It will be different when we are happy as opposed to upset.  And, as we continue to incorporate the 4 Agreements into our lives, our best will become better than it used to be.  

If we do our best we won’t judge ourselves.  We won’t punish ourselves.  Ahhh…how freeing is this!!  Especially someone like me who inherited a big ol’ Perfectionism gene.  If it couldn’t be perfect – whatever it was – it (or rather, I) sucked.  I beat myself up.  Or I’d get so overwhelmed I’d procrastinate or even worse not do something at all.  What an ugly downward spiral!

It’s taken years for me to wrestle and fight off that unreasonable, unrealistic quirk that’s so deep in my DNA.  Probably a little over ten years ago when I first started seeing a therapist was this pointed out to me.  HUH?  Well, she was right.  

My new, more modern, personal mantra?  “Excellence, not perfection.”  And I guess that’s similar to this 4th Agreement in a way.  These words resonate deep in my bones whether I’m focusing on a work project, getting ready to hit the ice and play hockey or continue to grow my Silpada jewelry business.  And every other area of my life too.

Ruiz explains more:  “When you do your best, you take action.  Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward.”  He goes on to explain the cliche of a worker.  A worker who only works because he/she is expecting the reward – the paycheck.  They work hard the whole week, suffering the actions.  They have to work to pay the rent, to support their family…and when they do get their paycheck they are unhappy.  There’s only a couple days to rest (aka the weekend) and they then try to escape by getting drunk or what have you.

If we take action just for the sake of doing something without expecting a reward, we will enjoy every action we do.  If we like what we do, if we always do our best, we are really, truly enjoying life.  We have fun, we don’t get bored and we don’t have frustrations.  Man, sign me up!

What about when life takes away something from us?  Ruiz explains – “…let it go.  When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment…if you live in a past dream, you don’t enjoy what is happening right now, because you will always wish it to be different than it is.  There is no time to miss anyone or anything because you are alive.  Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive.  This leads to self-pity, suffering and tears.”

Practice makes the master.  Ruiz reminds us that we didn’t learn to speak, read, write or ride a bike right out of the box.  We had to practice, practice, practice!  And not judge ourselves when we fall.  If we break one of the Agreements, we tell ourselves OK, we’ll start over again tomorrow and try again.  It will be challenging at first, but as we practice we will get better and better at honoring all four.  Stay in the moment and do not worry about the future.

See why this book is going to be a perma-fixture on my bedside table for awhile?  It’s powerful stuff.  Life transforming.

After reading this book I now feel like I have a new, freshly-sharpened set of tools ready to make 2012 an even better year than this one was!  

Today is December 26, 2011.  It’s the beginning of A New Dream.      

Don’t Make Assumptions

18 Sunday Dec 2011

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OK, last week’s mental vacay was exactly what I needed.  Time to re-focus on this mini 4-week blogging project…where are we now?  Oh yeah, Week #3.  Andddd, only a couple weeks behind given Tangent Time and my vacay.  This is part of what I love about blogging – no worries on things being behind because it’s just my words and the small handful of you who even read this or stumble in here accidentally.  Welcome…and welcome back, by the way!

So, cyber throat clearing, we’re on the 3rd of the Four Agreements book by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Don’t Make Assumptions.  Ruiz opens this chapter with a great summary:  “Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”

So simple, and yet so profound.  That’s what I’ve really enjoyed about this book…it’s easy to read but mind blowing too.  Definitely one to keep on the nightstand, for I always discover new gems when I read chapters I’ve already read before.

All the sadness and drama in our lives stems from us making assumptions and taking things personally.  (Don’t take things personally is the Second Agreement, by the way.  That was a great one to ramble on about a few weeks back in here.)  See how these Agreements tend to build one upon the other?  Pretty cool. 

The poison that is called gossip – this is how we communicate in the dream of Hell, as Ruiz explains.  Because we are afraid to ask for clarification, we make assumptions, and we believe we are right about our assumptions; then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong. 

How often have we all made an assumption about something or someone, only to have been totally wrong later?  Our bubble bursts and we get mad, sad and the drama starts.  But let’s back up a minute…why do we even make assumptions in the first place?

Ruiz explains:  “It is very interesting how the human mind works.  We have the need to justify everything, to explain and understand everything, in order to feel safe.  We have millions of questions that need answers because there are so many things that the reasoning mind cannot explain.  It is not important if the answer is correct; just the answer itself will make us feel safe.” 

So if someone doesn’t tell us something (and we don’t ask) we make assumptions and believe our own assumptions.  We also make assumptions about things we hear but don’t understand.  What a big, ticking time bomb this can be in relationships!!  Damn, haven’t we all been guilty of assuming our partner knows want we want, whatever it is?  “You should have known.”  Lovely way to start an argument.  We blame our partner but in reality we have no one to blame but ourselves.  We didn’t ask!

We don’t always ask partly because we assume that people see the world the same way we do…think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge and even abuse the way we abuse.  Ruiz says this is the biggest assumptions we humans make about one another.

Anyone else out there guilty of getting into a romantic relationship with someone, thinking your love will change them, change the things you don’t like about that person (and even deny there are maybe huge things out there that you don’t like about him/her?).  Raises hand…yep I sure have.  The truth is my love will not change anyone.  Neither will your love either, by the way.  Ruiz even quips that “real love is accepting other people the way we are without trying to change them.  If we try to change them, this means we don’t really like them.” I’m not sure I am 100% on board with that last sentence…need more thinking time here I guess.  Sure if there are huge things we don’t like then we have to wonder why we’re even involved in a relationship with that person.  But if it’s something silly like I don’t like the way he squeezes the tube of toothpaste?  Annoying maybe, but not a deal breaker.  Honey, can’t you squeeze the tube from the bottom, not the middle?  You won’t?  OK, I’m outta here.  Ridiculous, right?  I’m pretty sure that’s not what Ruiz meant…it’s just my mind conjuring up a funny scenario like that.  

Ask questions!  This is Ruiz’s wise advice to us all. Once we hear the answer we will not have to make assumptions because we will know the truth. 

But we need the courage to ask for what we want.  Sure, it one’s right to tell us yes or no, but that’s also true for what others ask of us.  The Right to Ask is everyone’s Right.  I’ve chickened out of asking sometimes throughout my life, I admit, and a lot of times when I’m dating someone.  Why?  Was I afraid of what the answer might be (as in NO)?  Was I afraid of being rejected, and even at risk of ‘losing’ that person out of my life?  Didn’t want to rock the boat?  Wasn’t sure how to articulate what I wanted and didn’t want to risk being seen as stupid, needy, high maintenace, whatever?  Yep, probably.  Aha, I assumed how the person would react and therefore did nothing and probably got resentful later.  BINGO. 

So once again, Ruiz nails it with another great chapter in his book.  I’m going to continue working on this – it’s a lifelong process for sure – and find the inner courage to ask, ask, ask!      

Tangent Time!

04 Sunday Dec 2011

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I admit it, I got distracted and didn’t have my “homework” ready for today.  Yeah, I could have crammed and tried to read and ponder the 3rd chapter of The Four Agreements, but you know what?  It’s not worth it.  This is deep stuff that needs to be read with passion and concentration, not some lame attempt at speed reading just to feel “ready” for today’s post.

So what happened?  Well, I had lunch with T, one of my dearest friends.  We met at Wildfin in Issaquah…she’d heard great things about it and I am always up for trying a new place to eat.  I ended up having a small burger and went easy on the fries.  I don’t eat meat everyday but I guess I was craving red meat way deep down.  After a few nights in a row of yummy pasta tossed with a little pesto it was time.

T has been attending these seminars about…understanding men.  Really?? And she just raves about them – she says it’s totally changed her outlook and viewpoint on dating and relationships, and has strengthened even her friendships with women too.  Sounds pretty profound, eh?  Wow, what’s going on here?  How can you learn stuff like this in a class?  Led by mostly women?  

She smiled and pulled a small paperback book out of her fabulous Hermes Bolide handbag.  Called Making Sense of Men, by Alison Armstrong.  She couldn’t wait to loan it to me!  Now, I admit, I’m a “black hole” book borrower (that’s a self-coined term by the way).  It’s not intentional, but I am not a voracious book reader, and books loaned to me, well, tend to get absorbed into a bookcase here forever and ever, never to be returned again and possibly not ever read at all. I promised T I’d do my very best to not do that in this case.  And she’s pretty tenacious, so I’m sure if I don’t return it promptly she’ll have no qualms asking for it back – as she should!

Now.  If you knew you were going to focus on reading the Third of the Four Agreements, but then had to choose between that and a book suddenly plopped in front of you called Making Sense of Men, what would you do? Read them both perhaps?  Well, this is me we’re talking about here, and given I don’t do a lot of book reading, I caved and chose the Men book to focus on.  Can’t blame me…plus it would be less likely to end up on a “black hole” bookshelf here in the townhouse.

I didn’t know how quick a read this was!  I pretty much read it in one evening, and have re-read it a couple of times!  Can this topic be summed up in a 70-page book?  Well, of course not…we’re human and complex creatures.  And yeah, I’ve read John Gray’s Mars & Venus books, the 1990s classic The Rules and a few others about dating and relationships too.  All endlessly fascinating really…and anything I can learn about these creatures called men who I adore and who also sometimes drive me batshit crazy, well then all the better.

It’s fascinating how entirely different we are wired.  Amstrong proclaims that 99% of the confusion and frustration between men and women is because we – mistakenly – assume we are versions of eachother.  “Men are not hairy women,” she goes on to say!  Ha ha ha that made me giggle.

She goes on to break down the two types of attraction men have towards women.  The first – Sexual Attraction.  Obvious, right?  OK, I won’t give away Armstrong’s list of what goes into that – check out the book for yourself.  And what does her list of sexual attractions trigger in men?  They want to have sex.  Period.  Doesn’t mean they want to date us or have a relationship with us or fall in love with us.  Nope.  I even remember some John Gray books talking about the same thing a little differently.  If a man is physically attracted to a woman, it’s just that and nothing else.  This confuses us as women, because our first ‘degree’ of attraction in a man is if he’s mentally stimulating to us (whereas in men the first ‘degree’ is physical).  With mental attraction in a man, maybe it’s his humor or intelligence that stirs us.  By the time we as women are feeling physically attracted we’ve already gone through two other ‘layers’ or ‘degrees’ of attraction if that makes sense.  So ladies, if a man is physically attracted to you, enjoy it and don’t take it too seriously. 

What’s the other type of attraction a man has for a woman (but not ALL women per se)?  Charmed and Enchanted.  Aha!  Who wouldn’t want to be with a man who is compelled to spend time with you, take care of you, protect you, contribute to you…and make you happy?  Without you needing to do anything but just be fabulous YOU?  Damn, sign me up.  Makes me even swoon here a little just sitting in my office chair, relishing those moments men have done those things for me.  Without any need to make any effort and certainly not nag.  THAT’S bliss right there. 

Armstrong goes on to explain in what she calls “Men-glish” (love that) – what men say and what it means in female-speak.  Things they say to us or offer to do for us when they’re Charmed and Enchanted.  Believe me, I’m not affiliated with the author of this book or the publishing company or anything, but if you’re intrigued by my ramblings here, go pick up the book for yourself!  One big key?  We as women need to be receptive to these wonderful things men want to do for us!  Anyone here ever have a man offer you his jacket because it was cold?  And responded by a, “…but won’t you be cold?” in return?  No, no no!!  You are not his mother…accept his generosity and snuggle in his jacket for pete’s sake!  Hell, I never turn down even the grocery store bag boy’s offer to carry my bags to my car.  Just enjoy it and smile with a warm thank you.  Sure it’s his job, but you’ve probably helped make his day too.

And there is serious “juice” required of us to be the best we can be as women.  Things like being self-confident and authentic.  And if a great outfit and killer pair of shoes helps you get there, go for it.  Nope, we can’t be self-confident fueled on emptiness like sugar and caffeine.  Rest, good nutrition, exercise…THAT’S what does it.  Don’t forget passion…whether it’s for our kids, cross-stitching, volunteer work or salsa dancing, as Armstrong explains.  And RECEPTIVITY to men’s offerings…the doozy!  YES!  If that guy asks you out for dinner and you’re even the slightest bit interested, go!  All you have to do is show up, look your hot self and just enjoy a great evening out.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Receive it graciously, ladies.

I could go on and on, but I’m just intrigued with these simple yet profound insights from Armstrong in her book.  Don Miguel Ruiz, I promise your 3rd chapter is my focus this week!  

The Third Agreement:  Don’t Assume Anything.     

Don’t Take Anything Personally

27 Sunday Nov 2011

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This calls for a cup of coffee! 

And this is the second part of The Four Agreements book I’ve committed – joyously – to read and blog about over the next four weeks.  This book is compelling enough that I know it will be well broken-in and loved even after I am done with my first read through.

The author, Don Miguel Ruiz, summarizes this chapter:  “Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

Wow.  Just, WOW!

Why do we take things personally?  If someone random dude on the street yells, “hey, you stupid bitch,” without even knowing me, it’s not about me, it’s about them.  If I were to take that random mudslinging personally, then perhaps I believe I am a stupid bitch.  I might even wonder “…how does he know?  Is he clairvoyant or does everyone else out there see how stupid – and bitchy – I am?”  The minute I choose to agree with this I’ve taken the ‘poison’ as Ruiz calls it, and I’m trapped…trapped in a dream of Hell.

Why eat others’ emotional garbage?  Emotional garbage…ah, love that term too. 

Oh man, I remember getting teased a lot as a kid. Painful.  Kids can be absolutely verbally brutal to one another, don’t you think?  I’d come home in tears sobbing about this and that, crying on my Mom’s shoulder.  And I in turn picked on others I saw as ‘weaker’ than me.  I remember my Mom saying stuff like, “Just ignore them and it will go away,” or even the doozy, “Don’t take it personally.”  That’s a LOT for an 8 or 9 year old to process…when you’re young all of that playground politics IS your world and nothing else matters.

What if someone insults us, truly hurts our feelings deep down to our core?  Ruiz responds by saying, “…it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said.  You are hurting yourself.”

So THAT’S it.  Oh, and how did I come across this book, on a side note?  Remember the “Two Surprising Ds” post I did recently?  I am really enjoying this new friendship with D, the woman I used to see ‘squatting’ in a building cafeteria where we worked – as did I.  (Consultants without official workspaces get to eek out space wherever we can!)  Thank you Michael Kors for getting us officially acquainted – she recognized me waiting in line at the store in Bellevue Square and I am so glad she said hello!

One night at a happy hour I was venting to her and a few of her friends about how I got my chops busted a little at work.  I was still fuming a bit and feeling taken down a notch or two.  Vulnerable.  I strive to be open minded, open to feedback from co-workers around me, but when it’s delivered in front of another consultant I have just met, well, that’s NOT OK in my book.  The energy in that small meeting was jacked up and just overall way off.  And I felt cut off at the knees, embarrassed, and in my defense, got, well, admittedly, defensive.  Hate to admit it, but I did.  There, I said it.  So D immediately cut to the chase and said ummm, you took it personally and oh you SO need to read this book!    

There’s something about a double whammy back at me when people tell me to not take things personally.  I get stubborn and feel like lashing out with well hell I will feel however I want to, so NEENERS.  Yeah, that’s mature, right?  It’s been a lifelong process for me to shed that, grow up, and even take things to the next level by reading this book.  Nope, it’s not about me.  Nothing is.  Not even when people get mad at me.  My truth is only my perception – no one else’s.  I let someone push my buttons and I fell off my ‘stance.’  I got defensive when someone told me to not be defensive!  Whoops.  

Now I can breathe and learn through that recent experience and let it go.  And it feels fantastic!

What about the flip side, say when someone says “you are wonderful.”  Ruiz explains:  “…they are not saying that because of you.  You know you are wonderful.  It is not necessary to believe other people who tell you that you are wonderful.  Don’t take anything personally.  Even if someone got a gun and shot you in the head, it was nothing personal.  Even at that extreme.”

OK wow, I had not even taken it that far in my mind but alrighty!  But let’s back up to the compliment of “you are wonderful.”  What’s wrong with acknowledging a compliment like that with a genuine THANK YOU in return?  I was always taught to appreciate compliments and not brush them off.  I’ll have to keep mulling over that one.  Perhaps he means that – let me read my paragraph above again – that if we already feel that way we don’t need others to tell us?

When we take things personally, we set ourselves up to suffer.  To suffer for nothing.  Ruiz even talks about abuse: “…if you have the need to be abused you will find it easy to be abused by others.  Likewise, if you are with people who need to suffer, something in you makes you abuse them…they are asking for justification for their suffering.”

If we don’t take things personally, we will never be hurt by what other people say or do.  How freeing is that?  We are not responsible for the actions of others…we’re only responsible for ourselves.

So my goal is to really, truly incorporate this mantra into my daily living and breathing, even moreso on top of my tough lifelong journey to shed that old skin.  I know I can do it and I won’t judge or beat myself up when I slip either.  Onward!

Next week’s post:  Don’t Make Assumptions.                

Be Impeccable With Your Word

20 Sunday Nov 2011

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OK, we’re off and running here!  Last week I committed to blogging over the next four weeks about an amazing book I’m slowly savoring and reflecting upon.

It’s called The Four Agreements, written by Don Miguel Ruiz.  And if you have sharp eyes you’ll notice the picture of the book is from the nice people at Amazon.com (thanks, everyone!)  This book was written about 15 years ago, but the wisdom it contains goes back thousands of years.  The knowledge comes from the Toltec people, stemming back to southern Mexico.  It’s not a religion, but it does honor all spiritual masters who have taught on Earth.

Ruiz explains that dreaming is the main function of our minds, and our minds dream 24/7.  The difference is when we are awake “…there is a material frame that makes us perceive things in a linear way.  When we go to sleep we do not have the frame, and the dream has the tendency to change constantly.” 

Wow, that’s profound!  I never thought we’re actually dreaming while awake too (except for day dreaming).  No wonder our dreams when asleep can be so wacky and random, only making sense in their moment.  Once we’re awake – poof – they’re mostly gone.

Simple and profound – this is the exquisite content within this book.  I find it both very challenging and relaxing to read and contemplate, and much of it I will need to read several times through – joyously – to truly attempt to understand.  Don’t get me wrong – the language is easy to read and the tone is like firm love.

He calls what society teaches us “human domestication.”  We didn’t choose to speak our native tongue when we were growing up, we didn’t choose our religion – we didn’t even choose our own name!  What happens during this process is we “…form an image of what perfection is in order to try to be good enough.  We create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody…like Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters, the priests and the teacher.  Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we don’t fit this image.  We create this image, but this image is not real.  We are never going to be perfect from this point of view.  Never!  Not being perfect, we reject ourselves.  And the level of self-rejection depends upon how effective the adults were in breaking our integrity.”

He talks about abuse…how much we judge and abuse ourselves for our mistakes.  In relationships, if we are with someone who abuses us more than we abuse ourselves we will likely walk away from that person.  But if we are with someone who abuses us just a bit less than we abuse ourselves, we will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly.

So here is the first agreement and my (gloriously imperfect) ramblings about it:

Be Impeccable with your word.
Speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Through our word we express our creative power…through it we manifest everything.  Our word is a double-edged sword…we can create beauty with it or destroy everything around us.

What does impeccable mean here?  It means we take responsibility for our actions but we do not judge or blame ourselves.

Wow.  That’s huge. *Raises hand*…I am likely the queen of self-blame and self-criticism.  Only in the past, most recent decade of my life, thanks to an amazing therapist, was this pointed out to me…reflected back in my face like a giant mirror, on how badly I beat myself up over everything I do that falls short of perfection.  Rather, we are human and gloriously flawed.  Breathe, breathe….strive for EXCELLENCE, not perfection.  This is the relatively new internal message I’ve worked so hard to incorporate into my core being, swimming upstream against decades more of habit and DNA. Oy. It’s a journey, not a quick fix.

Ruiz goes on to discuss gossip and how mainstream it is for us as a communication vehicle – and how poisonous it is, like a computer virus within our minds.  How many times have we gossiped about the person we love the most to gain support from others for our point of view?  Reality check:  your opinion is your point of view.  Doesn’t mean it’s true…rather it comes from your own belief, your own ego, your own dream.

How fertile are our minds for negative ideas and “spells” people put upon us?  If we are impeccable with our word our minds become only fertile for words that come from love.  And how we feel about ourselves – how much we love ourselves – is directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of our word.

So this is the first of four new ‘seeds’ planted in my (fertile) mind.  How impeccable am I with my word right now?  How often do I tell myself how wonderful and great I am?  Do I speak (and write) the truth in everything I do?  I’ve been called “honest to a fault” by some, and I actually take that as a huge compliment.  How many white lies do we tell every day?  To others?  To ourselves?  Yeah, I love gossip as much as the next person, but I wouldn’t label myself as gossip-y.  My goal this past week and going forward is to always say what I mean and mean what I say, both speaking and in writing.  And to not beat myself up if I am not perfect.

I feel happy and alive on this journey…waves of goodness wash all around me and inside me too. Is this some sort of cleansing?  I’m not questioning it one bit; just loving every second of this new “work.”

Next week’s Second Agreement post:  Don’t take things personally. This one’s gonna be a doozy in so many ways.