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Quarantine and Purge

17 Sunday Nov 2013

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Well yuck.  What’s that they say about colds…treat one and it goes away in a week – don’t treat it and it takes 7 days?  If that’s true we’re on day 3 here and it sucks.  I feel like a deflated balloon full of phlegm.

My friend T says it’s the stress of the past week that caught up with me.  I guess she’s right!  I’ve been staying strong, sticking with my workouts, finding some private time to cry a little and focusing on my work.  I haven’t been sick ALL YEAR and feel pretty damn good about that!  Normally 2 or 3 colds a year is typical.  I started to feel a little tingly and sneezy late Friday afternoon at work.  But I went to the gym as usual and did my weight training.  I was feeling a little weak but not super weak…I knew Aunt Flo was right around the corner so I chalked it up to that.

On Saturday I woke up feeling like my sinuses and throat were full of sandpaper.  Oh no, here we go…it’s a cold alright.  This weekend was one of those where my team works overnight and I was slated for the 1:30am – 10:00am shift on Sunday.  Yes, that’s AM on Sunday.  Thankfully I was able to get someone to back me up.

And I called my friend P sad and in tears…last night was her Bon Voyage party, as she gets ready for a trip of a lifetime…Belize, Australia and New Zealand!!  It’s a dream come true for her and I’m so excited!!  And so sad I couldn’t come to her party and see her.  But no way was I going to risk spreading cold germs around.

So it’s Quarantine time for fivenineteen.  Sometimes we need alone time to recharge the batteries, but too much of it makes me feel so isolated and lonely.  Thankfully I had enough stuff this past week to keep me connected and happy.

My youngest brother is up here on business quite a bit, and we met up at my house after our gym workouts one night to start putting my bedroom back together.  It was just over a month ago that J helped take my bed apart and get things temporarily set up in my 3rd bedroom so R could finish the popcorn ceiling scraping and finishing in my bedroom, master vanity and the walk-in closet.  Our plan once that was finished was to paint, shampoo the carpets and then put the room back together.  Love it!

How much things changed in a month.  How wrong I was about where our relationship stood. Now I have no idea when I’ll hear from J again.  I texted him last week to let him know I was doing alright.  We talked about getting together on Veterans Day to work on some more stuff here and he texted back sure, how about that afternoon? Sounded great to me.  But he went dark and I never heard boo and haven’t since.  So I can’t count on him right now and that makes me feel like I got punched in the stomach.  Breathe, breathe and give it space.  Lots of his tools are down in my garage, so at some point he’s going to want them back.

So my brother helped put my bed back together.  And I had a good talk and cry about everything with him too.  Ahhh…my beautiful bed, back in its frame and everything!  It won’t be hard to move it when it’s time to paint on that side of the room.  Yep, getting back in my bedroom trumped the carpet shampooing this time around.  Oh well…I can always have a carpet cleaning service do it.

Now I am blessed with a completely empty walk-in closet!  Which needs updating big time – it’s still got just one shelf and dowling for hangers in one row on three sides!  Ha ha 1980!  So where are all my clothes and shoes?  Downstairs in the living room on a railing and piled in huge garbage bags!  Oh, what a glorious mess!!

But as I like to say, there are no accidents.  Sure I’ve cleaned out that closet periodically over the years, but never like this.  Seeing all my clothes in a completely different setting was exactly what I needed to take a good, hard look at everything. So far I’ve filled 8 huge garbage bags and hauled them off to Goodwill!  YES!  Man it feels great to purge.  I found stuff I’d completely forgotten about.  And since I’ve lost weight I’ve been able to fit back into many things I couldn’t before!  It’s like shopping in my own closet!  Other stuff goes into the ‘no’ pile…stuff I’m sick of, stuff that’s out of style and stuff I haven’t worn in years.  They say we wear 10% of our wardrobe 90% of the time.  Do you think that’s true?  I try to NOT do that but I bet I probably do too.

So I’m going to pull the trigger and have the nice people at California Closets design a better solution for me.  Years ago they did a design and quote but I never got around to it…and if I remember correctly I’d planned to use part of my tax refund for it but changed my mind.  Now it’s time.

Anything, Anytime…Really?? Part Deux and More

10 Sunday Feb 2013

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Last week I jumped into my latest Intuitive Eating assignment…to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, whether I’m hungry or not…while being present and mindful.  For an entire week. And to notice how I feel!  As I mentioned last week, to many this might sound like a fun food vacation of sorts…a bender!  A freedom binge! Wooohoooo!  But I felt panicky and nervous, fearing I’d gain even more weight or only crave junk foods and end up malnourished.  Now, the rational part of my brain knows that one week is not going to break me in any way.  Not weight-wise or nutrition-wise.

But let me back up for a minute.  When did all this insanity about worrying about my weight, trying diets and continually failing start for me?  I remember the trigger now…like it was yesterday.

When puberty started with most of my friends, my body was one of the later ones to join in.  All of my friends were having their growth spurts, starting to wear bras, get their periods…but not me.  Was something wrong with me?  When was it going to happen for me?  I felt left behind but there was absolutely nothing I could do.  My Mom reminded me that she didn’t go through her growth spurt until she was 14 or so and that it’s hereditary.  Well, telling a 12-year-old to wait two years is a prescription for a long, painful wait.  Two years to a 12-year-old is eternity.

So…around age 14 or so, I did finally grow.  About 7-8″ in a year.  I remember going to my doctor’s office for a checkup.  I was 5′ 3″ (this is after the growth spurt) and around 103 lbs.  Still getting used to my new body, but SO relieved I’d finally grown (although I wished I could be 5 or 6 inches taller, ha ha)! 

Here’s the trigger:  my doctor took out a piece of paper and a pen and started writing down his projections on how much weight I would gain every year for the next few years as I reached my full height.  He told me I needed to start watching my weight, because according to him I would end up about 5′ 3″ or 5′ 4″ and weigh 130 lbs!  Which was too much according to the height/weight charts in his office!  I should be no more than around 120 or 125 lbs, he said.  HOLY FUCK!  I was sooo happy to be growing up, and then I get a smack down…a warning.  A pre-punishment.  Don’t ever hit the dreaded 130 lbs, I now thought!  UGH!  Something will be horribly wrong with me if I gain 27 lbs over the rest of my life!

Was this the type of ‘responsibility’ I would have as a teen and as a woman, to watch my weight?  I guess I thought it was!  And when a voice of authority tells you this you internalize it deeply.  He’s a doctor – he’s been my doctor since I was a baby.  Doctors are smart people.  I should listen to everything he says and do it and not question it.  So…I didn’t. 

A few days later my folks took my brothers and me out for ice cream.  We did this occasionally as a special treat…and I LOVE ice cream!  But I remembered my doctor’s words to ‘watch my weight,’ and, with tears in my eyes in the store, decided not to have any ice cream.  I sat there in the store and felt so weird and ashamed.  Maybe this is what it meant to watch my weight – to say no to a scoop of ice cream I really wanted?

So whooomp there it is.  From then on, my fear of weight gain became a clanging gong in my head.  Is this a kind of a morphed self-fulfilling prophecy?  What I feared eventually became reality for me?  Help me out here, psychology-oriented readers!

I felt happy and proud about last week’s assignment to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  But when I had my phone coaching session, I was told I was being too restrictive.  I was only eating when I was hungry, which resulted in a more grazing or snacking way of eating.  I liked how I didn’t have that hunger pain and light headed feeling I would typically get between 4 and 5pm at work. 

What are my FORBIDDEN foods, she asked me.  I could only muster up an answer like granola, because I’ve always been told to avoid it because it’s high in fat.  But I DID have a bowl or two during the previous week and felt satisfied!  Where am I still being judgmental about what I eat when I write about it in here?  Honestly I am probably too close and emotionally attached to my feelings and my words to see it.  Could it be where I unconsciously applauded myself on only taking a couple spoonfuls of risotto from the food bar for lunch, rather than thinking “hey, I ate risotto today and felt great”?  Maybe that’s it!

When we finished our phone session I was exhausted.  I felt sad and angry.  I felt like I had done a great job over the past week with my eating assignment, but internalized the feedback as ‘you’re doing it wrong again, fivenineteen.’  Fuck, I  hate that stupid voice in my head!  I learned that before I can achieve my longer-term goal of normalizing my weight, that I might actually gain some weight over the next few months during this process.  And how would I feel about that eh?  Oh good Lord, I choked up inside.  Gain even MORE weight? That horrifies me.  She and I talked through this…and I’ll spare you the details but trust me it was emotional and scary. 

I know way deep down on a practical level that this intuitive eating process is going to reset my body into knowing it CAN have any food any time it wants.  It’s not going to starve (which is what the body thinks is happening to it when we diet).  But that practical info and how I’m feeling about potentially gaining more weight still has a deep crevasse between it.  How do I bridge this?  Do I build a “mental” bridge to understand this more…or just take a running leap off the edge of the crevasse and hope I land on the other side, whether it’s on my feet or a funny belly flop?  Can I truly leave behind the feelings I got instilled in me circa 1981 from those words from my doctor?  Truly once and for all?

I have such a deep hunger (no pun intended) to understand so many things around me.  Well, not everything, but I am naturally curious.  On the flip side, I have no desire to understand how my car works.  It gets me safely from point A to point B and I make sure it’s maintained properly. I don’t know exactly what is done when they change the oil or check the tire pressure and I don’t care to know…I only know it’s good to do it.  I don’t have any desire to understand how my digestive system works.  Well, maybe on a high level, but not at the molecular/chemical level.  Never was much into biology.  But yet I’ve been told I have a tendency to ‘clue out’ on certain things.  I miss key points.  This just leaves me feeling frustrated and angry.  How is my need to understand things either empowering or disempowering me through this intuitive eating journey?  Well, I suppose it could be disempowering.  Intuitive eating is not a diet.  And it’s so goddamn hard to try to explain that to people, especially this time of year when people are still holding onto new years resolutions to diet or do cleanses, etc.   And how diet-obsessed we are as a society any time of year, really.

Instinctively I want to know…how long is this process going to take?  And oh, I now may have to take a step *backwards* and gain more weight in the short-term?  Yeah, I felt ‘backwards’ in my brain so I wrote that word down; I don’t do a lot of editing when I write in here.  But maybe gaining some additional weight isn’t a step backwards at all…maybe it’s just…a step!  I’ll have to keep working on that one for sure.

So are you wondering what I’ve been eating this past week?  Here we go.

What are my truly forbidden foods?  Maybe I’ve unconsciously been rejecting them so hard for so long that I’ve blocked them out of my mind without even recognizing it anymore!  How can I think about this without over-thinking  it?  Hmmm…OK here’s a few.  Deep fried foods like tempura or KFC.  Super processed foods like velveeta cheese or beef jerky.  French fries.  Red licorice.  And drum roll….FAST FOOD!!  Aha!  I realized the fast food dealio after I’d gotten home from work and the grocery store.  Let me tell you about the grocery store this time around!

I walk down aisles I rarely ever walk down.  Looking at candy, cookies and crackers.  What jumps out at me?  I fill my basket with smoked sausage sticks (kind of like beef jerky…I love sausage), pesto-flavored bagels (which I will toast and smear with cream cheese oh yeahhhh), more sliced pepperoni and a piece of berry-flavored cheesecake.  Then the movie-theatre style of popcorn, which I will drizzle with melted butter.  Pickles!  Huge, dill pickles!  Starburst candies!  YES! 

Meanwhile, I have never farted so potently and so frequently in my life.  Good grief on Friday afternoon at work I was a putt-putt-puttin’ motorboat.  Thankfully I had very few meetings that day and wouldn’t risk my co-workers keeling over getting downwind of me!

Friday night dinner…glorious mac and cheese with white cheddar.  I started off with some sausage sticks (there’s the esophagus burning but so worth it).  And some cheese puffs.  A pickle while the pasta was boiling and another after dinner.  Then popcorn with butter later in the evening!

Saturday morning breakfast…V8 juice and berry-filled cheesecake!  Afternoon goodness:   I rotate between the cheesecake, pickles, sausage sticks and some pepperoni slices with cream cheese.  So what else is on my personal forbidden foods list?

Ahhh…ice cream!  I never keep it in the freezer anymore on purpose.  But I picked up some Ben & Jerry’s…when was the last time I had ice cream like this?  Delicious. And then I DID IT.  Funny how there is a McDonald’s and a Dairy Queen each within walking distance from my house.  I’ve always had this proud feeling that after living here a decade I had never EVER set foot in either of those places.  OK, one time I had a Blizzard though.  So as I was driving up to the McDonald’s I felt kind of tingly and nervous.  This was a funny feeling actually and it surprised me!  I’m not feeling very hungry at all but that quarter pounder goes down so smooth and tastes SO good.  Yep, that’s a forbidden food alright!  Oh and the fries too. 

I feel proud I’ve realized what else is on my forbidden foods list besides granola!  And I’ve eaten a few of them…yeah I felt a little guilty but not regretful.  Sure I felt a little bloated yesterday but I woke up today feeling great.  Not with the typical hunger pangs that wake me when I sleep in on the weekends.

Sunday morning breakfast and grazing…more Ben & Jerry’s some V8 juice and the cheese puffs.  Oh and pepperoni slices with cream cheese.  These all taste sooo good.  I feel a little weird but feel happy! 

I trust this process, I trust this process…ergh but I’m still fighting off the weird feelings.  And trying to explain this to friends or others not on this journey?  Well, that’s fodder for another post.

Anything, Anytime…Really?

03 Sunday Feb 2013

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Panic. Terror. Anxiety.  When I got my latest ‘homework’ during my second Intuitive Eating phone coaching session on Thursday, I freaked out.  It was like drawing a mental blank…my mind couldn’t compute what I was hearing.  I could envision nothing but a black, dark void.

My homework?  For one week, eat anything you want, whether you are hungry or not.  The only caveat is to be 100% PRESENT and MINDFUL to what you are eating.  And notice how you feel!  Gah!!

But I promised to commit myself 150% to this process.  To be ready to transform myself and bust free of dieting hell and the yo-yo weight gains and losses I’ve sustained over the past nearly 20 years (eek, that’s nearly half my life!).  I’ve conditioned myself to only eat carbs during dinner (a la the Carbohydrate Addicts diet) which I’ve attempted twice, each time gaining back the weight I lost and then some.  Yep, that ‘carbs only at dinner’ mindset is tattooed in my brain, and I still beat myself up mentally when I stray. I’m learning that I could actually be unconsciously dieting without even thinking about it!  Oh dear, what a smothering, vicious cycle this is!

So.  With this week-long experiment the idea is to quiet my mind (yeah, good luck with that).  Quiet my mind and instead listen to what my body says it needs.

To some this might sound like HOT DAMN, HOO DOGGY…woohooo!!  For me it was terrifying.  And still is – I’m just a few days into it.  What am I afraid of?  Honestly, I’m afraid of gaining even more weight.  I’m afraid of bingeing and feeling like I’ve eaten too much and “should” slow down or stop.  I’m afraid my body will only crave unhealthy foods and I’ll end up malnourished.

But, I dove right in.  They say to do one thing a day that scares you, right?  This is definitely it!  So below is a peek of my food journal.  I started this experiment February 1.  Ahh, there’s something nice about a new calendar page and a new start.  The timing was fantastic.

February 1:  Breakfast was a morning food “Gulp,” (not what I would call breakfast):  a chunk of cheddar cheese.  I feel rushed and stressed and not necessarily hungry as I’m trying to get out the door and in the car to drive to work.  I force the cheese down; it’s at an earlier time of morning I’m not usually eating, but I force it down because I’m worried I’ll feel hungrier later in the mid morning which is my prime-time for more difficult tasks at work and meetings.

Mid morning snack:  Dried squares of seaweed, flavored with salt and sesame oil…YUM.  I feel zing-y inside and nourished, energized.  Light.

Lunch:  I head over to the large eating area on our company campus.  They have an incredible variety of food choices, including a hot food bar which I really enjoy.  I pick up 1 large meatball with seasonings.  It looks hearty but the meat is really pink and undercooked inside so I stop after a bite.  Disappointed.  I also got a couple of squares of portabella mushroom ravioli.  I feel a little guilty eating carbs and cream sauce during lunchtime but it’s so rich tasting.  Eating slowly to savor the taste.  And a couple scoops of barley risotto.  I love the crunch and nutty texture which is different from the ravioli.  I feel full and don’t finish the second spoonful.

Afternoon snack:  Sea salt and vinegar potato chips.  I took a few moments to inhale the aroma in the bag – the vinegar scent makes me feel energized.  I’m not very hungry but I eat a few anyway.  Next a handful of raw, unsalted almonds.  I was starting to feel low on energy but I felt full still.  The afternoon energy drop I typically experience between 4 and 5pm was not as severe as it’s been when I’ve eaten low/no carb lunches.

Evening of 2/01:  I’m not really feeling super famished – this is great!  I go to the grocery store and don’t feel freaked out (I hate the feeling of being at the grocery store when you’re hungry).  I purchase a couple of containers of Greek yogurt, on-the-vine tomatoes, more of those dried seaweed snacks with sesame oil flavor, pesto, gum, sour cream, chips, organic mac & cheese, sushi for tonight and some beer.  Around 9pm I eat the sushi…it’s brown rice style with sashimi and I mix the wasabi with some spicy wasabi-infused soy sauce in my fridge.  YUM.  I feel elated and full of energy…love the spicy flavors and the seafood!  The rice makes me feel satisfied and not bloated.

Saturday February 2:  I don’t eat anything until 11am.  I was hosting our annual HOA meeting at my townhouse and was feeling excited to see everyone and a little anxious too.

After the meeting I had a piece of cheddar cheese and three huge glasses of V8 juice.  I feel alive and happy, like the juice is nourishing me!  And few small slices of spicy pepperoni.  My stomach feels a little irritated and my esophagus burns a little, but I like it.  Then around 1pm I had a sudden hunger urge.  I found a small serving of leftover pasta and vodka cream sauce in a Tupperware in the fridge. About 2-3 bites. I ate it cold.  Just what I needed!  I feel happy.

I later went to the PCC near my house.  I’m always endlessly fascinated with the variety of foods they carry!  I was in search of primrose oil capsules (they’re supposed to help stabilize PMS cravings and mitigate breast tenderness, among other things), chocolate mousse, organic butter on sale, cilantro lime spread and some live raw bars.  Then I went to my favorite spa for a long-overdue waxing appointment.  Time to get the eyebrows shaped and tinted too…I’m back in job hunting mode bigtime and need to get cleaned up to look my best for interviews!   I got there early and went to the Starbucks across the street to get a nonfat latte.  The lemon pound cake inside the pastry case literally jumped out at me – I need a piece!  I ate about half of it in very small bites.  It made me feel alive and happy.

Dinner:  I am hungry and want mac & cheese.  It’s 5:30pm and I instinctively think OMG no, it’s too early to start dinner.  I start a load of laundry instead.  Then it’s 6:00 and I say fuck it, I’m hungry, let’s start the water boiling.  I made a full box of mac & cheese and ate about 1/3 of it with some shredded mozzarella cheese on top (cheese on top of cheese LOL). I feel happy and full!  The rest goes in the Tupperware for another time.  I had some chips with that cilantro lime spread as a dip later in the evening.  And a couple spoonfuls of the chocolate mousse.  Delighted!

Sunday February 3:  It felt wonderful sleeping in a little later (11am).  I was feeling thirsty so I grabbed a big glass of water and took my typical round of supplements (which now includes the evening primrose oil).  Was I feeling hungry?  Yes, a little bit…so I grabbed some pomegranate-flavored Greek yogurt and had a big glass of V8 juice.  I feel full and a little bloated after finishing the glass of juice – maybe I drank it too quickly.  I love the flavor though!

I came back from running errands and am suddenly hungry again!  So I have a few small bites of the leftover mac & cheese from last night.  I feel guilty about doing that!   And a glass of water.  About an hour later I’m not feeling particularly hungry but I really want one of the raw bars I purchased yesterday.  It’s a chocolate/coconut flavor and it’s delicious!  Now I’m full again.

So, as you can see this is still a very new process for me. Food and my weight are very emotional to me, but it’s hard for me to put those emotions into words, whether on the phone with my coach or in writing here.  So I’ll keep working on it and not beating myself up if I’m not ‘doing it right’ (compared to WHAT, right??)

I vow to reject the diet mentality…saying goodbye and GOOD RIDDANCE to 15+ years of trying/failing at Carbohydrate Addicts, by losing and re-gaining 30-35 lbs each time.  I need to envision shedding the dieting mentality like when an animal molts.  They grow, transform and gleefully walk away from their old skin.  It doesn’t fit and doesn’t suit me any longer!

Honoring Thy Hunger…the Intuitive Eating Journey Begins

27 Sunday Jan 2013

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This past Thursday was my first phone coaching session in Intuitive Eating principles.  This is another one of those moments where I feel like I’ve jumped off the platform and am flying through the air, knowing and trusting the trapeze bar or the strong, trusted hands of a partner will be there to catch me at just the right time.  Scary and exhilarating. 

Lots of you who tune in here regularly know that I made a vow to myself awhile back after I finished college.  As an adult I would never let myself get close-minded.  I would always be open to considering trying new things.  From hockey to starting a jewelry business, training to run 5Ks, making a shift to contract/consulting work, joining online discussion groups and taking workshops for personal growth. Oh, and starting this blog back in late 2009.  Those are just a few things the past decade has brought – what’s shaped me.  Not too shabby a progress report I’d say!

What a segue…shape.  Have I made peace with my own body shape?  Yes, somewhat.  But I’m packing around much more weight than is healthy for me (see my rude awakening post last week which brought me to sobs).  I scratch my head and wonder.  Beauty really IS in the eye of the beholder.  I think about men I’ve had relationships with over the years.  When I was at my thinnest the guy I was dating at the time had pretty much zero interest in having sex with me.  Huh?  Strange.  And since I’ve packed on some poundage in the last couple of years it didn’t seem to bother the guy I briefly dated a couple of years ago who never knew me when I was a lot slimmer, or the guy I’ve been on a handful of dates with just this month.  Can Intuitive Eating really help me get my weight normalized?  That’s my ultimate goal, but, as I’m learning, Intuitive Eating is NOT a quick fix.  And it’s NOT a diet.  There are no recipes or suggested meal plans in this book at all.  This philosophy is part of the anti-diet movement (go online and you’ll find tons of material about this topic).

Diets don’t work!  Maybe for the short-term, but not necessarily for the long-term.  And I can only speak from personal experience here.  I tried the online version of Weight Watchers a few years ago and gave up after about a month.  I felt constrained by the points system they use.  I don’t mind structure and boundaries, but it was too much for me to handle and I immediately rebelled.  Perhaps if I’d done the in-person method rather than online I would have had better success and support, but I don’t have any interest in trying it again.  I’ve done the Carbohydrate Addicts diet.  Twice, actually.  This was the only diet I ever really stuck with, as it didn’t make you cut out carbs.  With that diet, you only eat carbs during one meal, usually dinner.  And finish within an hour.  I liked this method because I could still enjoy pasta, bread or chips if I wanted…if I waited until dinner.  I’m very much against plans that cut out certain types of foods.  I think our bodies were designed to be fueled by a variety.  Now, I’m not against cutting out things like meat, dairy or gluten for ethical reasons or because of allergies say to gluten or dairy.  I do have a variety of cookbooks specializing in Raw Food, the Paleo/Primal lifestyle and Vegan cooking.  All endlessly fascinating! 

But, in the end, none of what I’ve tried has worked for the long haul.  The IE book covers so many fascinating topics…such as how we were all born intuitive eaters, but often times something changes in our childhood.  Body image issues, peer pressure…so many things start to get in the way of how we were naturally programmed to eat.  I’m just through the first few chapters of this book and I love it.  But the material IS a paradigm shift.  It requires concentration, focus…and being open-minded to its principles.

I’m practicing listening to my body and what it needs.  Honoring my hunger…and stopping when I feel full.  This is like learning a new dance step.  In reading this book so far, I’ve learned I’m an unconscious eater.  I likely eat more than I need to because I don’t pay attention to the signals my body is full or getting full.  I’m usually doing something else when I’m eating, like watching TV or at my desk at work on my laptop.  I’ve rarely ever sat down at my dining room table, by myself, no TV on and no computer/phone nearby and eaten a meal.  It just seems silly, strange and inefficient…and too quiet…I could just as easily be watching a great TV show or catching up on my emails and texts!

So there’s much more excitement and learning ahead.  I already know this is going to be an emotional journey.  I’ve never talked about my true, deep relationship with food out loud in depth with anyone before so it’s going to be weird, but I trust my friend implicitly.  And I feel I’ve failed my body in letting it get to this size, which ties into the woe-is-me-I’m-still-single-this-must-be-why downward spiral.  Not pretty but it’s my truth right now.  It’s very painful going down that slippery slope of thoughts. 

They’re all tied together, so when any one of them turns sad, they all get pulled into an emotional riptide.

…and another Thank You, Jude Cole (Take 2)

31 Wednesday Oct 2012

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How come my favorite singer/songwriter’s music is so dang hard for me to blog about?  Man, I re-read my post from last Sunday and it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface.  Normally when I post it’s like a stream of passionate consciousness – done in one take.  That last post…well, I went back and tweaked a few things.  It’s rare I find myself at a loss for words! So yeah, that last post is alright but I’m still not completely happy with it.  So, I thought…why not just start a new one? 

I think this is the first time in over 20 years of loving Jude’s music that I’ve tried writing down how much it means to me.  And I stumble and struggle to find the right words.  When talent this extraordinary stirs your soul and music this fantastic is so timeless, saying how much I love and appreciate it doesn’t seem like enough.

A View from 3rd Street and Start the Car (two of his five solo albums) are now happily back in my car’s CD player.  So what if it’s rainy and blustery outside, traffic sucks and is even worse with some stoplight outages, slowing everything to an even more painful crawl?  I’ve got two of THE best CDs of all time cranked and I’m smiling and singing along shamelessly.  Fellow commuters, don’t be jealous!

I’ve read that when you listen to 3rd Street that “you don’t hear a single.”  Never heard of that expression before but I totally get it.  It means that EVERY track is stupendous; there isn’t just one or two that sound made for radio play and everything else is filler and skippable.  How many CDs are in your collection where you “hear no singles?”  I bet not many.

When I listen to these songs again I’m inspired to get back to playing the piano.  Maybe learning how to play guitar finger-style, rather than just the few chords I can clunkily strum.  I remember how I felt as an early/mid 20-something when I heard these songs for the first time.  And I smile at how wonderful they still sound today through all I’ve gone through in life.  His rich, creative harmonies.  His lyrics that have celebrated my highest of highs and carried me through my most angst-ridden lowest of lows.

Rise over the darkness / sail above the clouds / faith keep me from falling / and I swear I won’t look down.  That’s from Right There Now from Start the Car. My God how those lyrics have been my gut-wrenching prayer countless times, sung at the top of my lungs, choking through sobs with tears streaming down my face.  And yet also with jubilation, celebrating getting through that pain.

And – squee!! – I stumbled upon a Jude Cole Facebook group.  An unoffical fan site – it just was set up for people who love his music.  Wow, I’ve found My People who GET this passion for this incredible talent!!

And thanks to the magic of YouTube I found a few gems – a couple of videos from back in the day – PLUS (major bonus) some live, acoustical versions of his songs.  OK wow.  A talented singer/song-writer who sounds just as amazing LIVE as he does in his albums – dear God, I think I can die happy now. 

Pardon my gushing, but here we go:

Baby, It’s Tonight video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pavmG-YKLM (from 3rd Street).  Ah, the memories. 

Time for Letting go video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyDFfVMTGW0&feature=related   I honestly had not seen this video until just recently – the song is GORGEOUS.  And like one of the commenters posted, HIGH 5 if you’re still listening to this song.

Holy crap this is beyond amazing – Baby It’s Tonight (acoustical): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8ODFMRJsMw

And lastly (for now), his acoustical performance of Tell the Truth on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKqD3U3CKb8&feature=relmfu