Tag Archives: intuitive eating

Pardon My (Personal) Dust!

05 Monday Aug 2013

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95closeupWell dang…it’s been awhile since I posted in here, eh?  The last part of July literally went *poof* before my eyes…and now it’s August!!  So much going on lately!

What, you might ask?  Well, I spent 5 days in Kansas City (Missouri) last week at Silpada Designs National Conference (jewelry!), and it was even more fun than last year if that’s even possible!  It’s fun going as a first-timer, but just as fun having been once before.  I felt much more oriented and grounded in the mix of all the whirlwind excitement!

Take a look at those gorgeous babies in the picture…that’s hematite, pyrite and pearl mixed in with .925 sterling silver, the highest quality silver available in jewelry.  Same grade that Tiffany uses, but nowhere NEAR Tiffany prices!  What’s not to love?  Please message me if you’d like to learn more or would like me to personally send you a new catalogue with my compliments!

And on a more personal note, I’ve jumped on a glorious new journey to get back in shape and drop those extra pounds that have crept up slowly over the last decade.  I’ve joined a coaching program through Precision Nutrition – it’s their Lean Eating for Women program.  This is week 3 and I’m off to a pretty good start! [Guys, there’s a Men’s program too if you were wondering.]

Now, I was a little skeptical about signing up.  Some of you who tune in here regularly might recall my dip into Intuitive Eating.  How refreshing…intuitive eating is not dieting!  So I was worried that the LE program might in fact be a diet.  And I’m very relieved to discover that it’s not.  In fact, it embraces lots of Intuitive Eating principles such as paying attention to your internal cues and noting when you’re starting to feel full.  It’s habit-based coaching, meaning you start out small by learning and practicing a couple of new habits, rather than getting everything WHOOOSH all at once.  It’s too overwhelming otherwise!

So the initial habits have nothing to do with what to eat or what not to eat.  Rather, just getting good nutritional supplements and some exercise (the routines are provided, along with short video clips to demonstrate).  Then we’ll build on those going forward!  Oh man, I have been so sore – but in a glorious way – so much that I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning (damn those planks!!).  But I’m getting the discipline back in my brain, and frankly it’s nice spending some time in the gym rather than flushing $100 a month down the toilet for dues without ever setting foot inside.  I’m getting in the habit of having my workout clothes in a pile ready to throw into my car on my way to work so I can get in the gym right afterwards.  As much as it would be great to do early morning workouts (my gym opens daily at 5:00am), that’s just not in my DNA.  So, early evening workouts it is.

I also had to take some pictures and do some body measurements for a baseline (this is a year-long program).  THAT was a little painful.  Thankfully, J was a champ as always, getting my pictures taken and helping me measure my biceps, waist, hips, neck, etc.  I cried a little as I weighed in on the scales at 204.5 lbs (about 95 kg).  And I’m only 5’4″ (1.6m).  How the fuck did this happen?? 10 years ago I was 138 lbs (63 kg) and a svelte size 6!  I’m grateful J finds me attractive…believe me, I’m doing this for ME and my personal health first and foremost.  I don’t want to be gripped by high blood pressure or the possible danger of diabetes looming in my future (thankfully I’m not diabetic).

So that’s what’s going on these days.  I’ll definitely have more to post as I get more underway in this journey.  I know I’ll get frustrated at times…that’s where the “excellence, not perfection” motto has to kick in.  I’m a little scared too, but excited.

That’s when I remember the words of Dr. Tom Barrett, our keynote speaker at Silpada convention this year:  “Sometimes you have to do it afraid.”

Intuitive Eating Checkpoint…and an Updated Supplements Rollcall

17 Wednesday Apr 2013

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TurmericTime for an off-cycle post to keep y’all guessing…typically I post on Sundays but I was a little tied up and tired last Sunday.  J and I are continuing to tackle my beyond messy garage, and last weekend was focused just on icky cobweb removal and sweeping.  Yep, it was that bad.  Next up is another round of sweeping and then some TLC to seal up the cracked concrete that’s letting in trickles of water whenever it rains.  Yes, it literally, really and truly all “rolls downhill.”  Gotta love living at the bottom of a steep hill, and who knows where the uphill drainage problems lie.  Plus, my garage is mostly below ground level.  Then, we PAINT!

I can’t believe that this Friday marks one month at my new job!  Job shifts can be both abrupt and uplifting when you work short-term consulting engagements as I’ve done since circa 2006, and/but I find they also provide a huge opportunity to revisit my workweek routines and make changes!  How exhilarating!

I continue to practice Intuitive Eating  as a way to swear off the diet mentality once and for all.  And also with the long-term goal to normalize my weight…gradually and without hunger!  This is a daily journey of discovery, and every day I feel more confident about the choices I make and I steer far away from judging myself or criticizing myself on how “well” I did on any given day.  That comes right down to thinking about food differently…meaning, there’s no such thing as ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’ food. It’s just FOOD!  And what one might typically label as “junk food,” is better known as “play food.”  I love that! 

A new work routine is perfect fodder for reshaping my eating habits.  In my previous job, for example, I would typically skip breakfast as I was constantly running late and was facing an unbelievable 45 minute suburb-to-suburb commute.  What a head scratcher!  Toward the end of that work assignment I discovered Intuitive Eating and I began bringing stuff to work like granola to enjoy with milk (the company provided beverages free of charge) or I would just go grab an early lunch.  And I also started enjoying mid to late afternoon mini meals which I previously had avoided, thinking I would somehow “spoil” my dinner appetite. I brought in meal replacement shakes I had purchased over a year ago for a 5-day cleanse I was too chicken to try and ended up mixing them occasionally with milk – they’re perfect as a midday snack rather than the torture of using them to replace meal after meal for days in a row!  I also started bringing in snacks such as unsalted almonds.  And I started enjoying V8 juice something fierce.  I listened closely to my body’s internal cues and really began Honoring My Hunger. 

Now my work commute has shrunk to a glorious 15 minutes in the morning and maybe a half hour tops in the evening.  And our team has an unwritten rule that no matter how hectic things might be…get away from your desk for 30 minutes and take a midday break!  Granted that break might be at 11:00am some days and 2:00pm other days, but take the break!  We have a significant team presence in Atlanta, 3 hours ahead of Seattle time.  So I am often on conference calls during traditional lunch break hours here on the west coast.  I find that Intuitive Eating works wonderfully in these types of constantly changing midday mealtimes, and I love it!  I’m moving into a routine of eating 2 smaller meals during the day anyway…two “mini lunches,” and it seems to work well keeping me feeling satisfied and not stuffed and bloated.

Given our cafeteria could use some competition of sorts (and given I was royally spoiled by the massive, spectacular food service provided at my previous job), I’m starting to bring more of my own food in to work in a cool lunch tote bag that’s insulated with foil to keep food warm or cold.  What’s in the bag? 

  • Raw, unsalted almonds
  • Organic walnuts (look up ‘health benefits of walnuts’ and you’ll be astonished!)
  • Yogurt-covered raisins
  • A can of low sodium V8 juice (perfect for a midday pick me up; I’ve sworn off soda completely during the workweek – even sparkling water – as it’s no longer free of charge in our work vending machines)
  • String cheese
  • Greek yogurt (I’m still experimenting with what I like and don’t like, but I do enjoy the tangier taste of Greek yogurt compared to traditional yogurt.)
  • Gluten free pretzels
  • Baby carrots

I also enjoy a sweet treat occasionally, such as when someone brings in donuts or other pastries, or when I take a fun swing by a co-worker’s desk who always has tons of small candies in a glass jar. (That’s the “play food” I mentioned earlier; sometimes nothing will do but a couple of Tootsie rolls.)  And I go through water by the gallon.  I gave up Diet Coke in early January 2010, and now I’m losing my craving for canned, sparkling sodas as well.  I do think this has cut down on my tummy bloat, but we’ll see how that pans out long-term!

And, knock on wood, I’ve yet to come down with any sniffles or illness this calendar year!  I’ve built on the arsenal of supplements for staying healthy post I did earlier this year and thought I’d share what else I’ve discovered.

I take most of my supplements in the morning before heading to work, but also take a few in the evening before dinner:

Morning routine:

  • 1 glass of low sodium V8 juice
  • 1 glass of buttermilk (I know, I know, this can trigger gag reflexes in many of you, but I love buttermilk – I adore the slightly sour and tangy taste and also how it fills me up – that’s my Dad’s genes at work)

Morning supplements:

  • Concentrated fruits and vegetables
  • Antioxidants
  • Double X supplements – I alternate this daily with the two supplements above. This is a 3-tablet turbo boost of vitamins, minerals and phytonutrients.
  • An Omega-3 supplement. This is especially important to me now, as I’m no longer in a position to regularly enjoy some good seared salmon during the day at lunch.
  • Evening Primrose Oil:  I actually take a capsule of this both in the morning and in the evening.  Ladies, if you’re mid 40-something like me and the hormones are a-changin’, this is a great way to even everything out.  It lessens food cravings and cuts back on PMS mood swings (not that mine were ever anything severe, thank goodness) and breast lumpiness/tenderness, which is typical prior to your period.  But check out the link for more, as its benefits go far beyond anything strictly female-related.

Evening supplements:

  • Evening Primrose Oil
  • Milk Thistle and Dandelion – a great protectant of your liver.
  • Turmeric – my goodness read up on the health benefits of this herb…astonishing!  And next time I will likely order a refill through this website for a far better deal than at my local grocery store.  I debate between spending a lot on supplements vs getting a discounted version. 

After all, what could be more important that what we put into our bodies to fuel and nourish ourselves?  Shouldn’t we seek out the very best?  It doesn’t have to be the most expensive product per se, but I’m all for finding a bargain wherever possible.

Cheers!

More Intuitive Eating Journeys!

24 Sunday Feb 2013

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Middle Fork Sno RiverWell hmmm!  I unintentionally took a mid-winter break of sorts last week with no post!  As much as I relish this Sunday writing ritual (and I hope you all do too!) I do enjoy a mental break a couple of times a year.

I went on an amazing hike last Sunday – my first ever winter hike – along the middle fork of the Snoqualmie River.   From the gorgeous scenery, the patches of snow on the trail and the sounds of the beautiful rushing river below, this is a must-see.  And it’s not a super extreme kick-your-ass type of hike either.  I was glad for that.  J does quite a bit of hiking, while I in contrast have 10-year-old hiking boots I’ve probably worn 10 times or less, so I’m definitely a novice.  I’m just not a super outdoorsy person, despite living a short drive from so much to explore outside of the city and suburbs.  So it was nice doing a radical change of scenery while feeling safe and having fun with someone who knows his stuff and how to navigate the twisty turning access roads like a champ.  Who knows…I just might rediscover hiking this spring and summer!

On the Intuitive Eating front I feel like I lapsed back a bit these past couple weeks…back to my habit of unconscious eating.  Meaning, eating lunch or snacking while I’m at my desk at work, or absent-mindedly munching on pasta for dinner while on my couch watching TV.  Or inhaling a protein bar while driving to work.  Just not really paying any attention to the food itself, how it tastes or how full I’m getting.  And all of this is perfectly OK!  I know it deep down and the assurance of my coach sealed the deal.  My life has been full of lots of additional stresses and noises, and it’s only been a growing crescendo recently.  I’m wrapping up my current work engagement in T-minus 4 days while interviewing for another one.  I love the experience that interviewing provides, and I have a lot more confidence doing it this time around, whether it’s over the phone or in-person with a panel.  My work engagement was a roaring success with an amazing team…they’re gonna be a hard act to follow!  Contrast that to when I was out of work a few years ago.  I felt broken and empty. My self-confidence had taken a beating after 7 or 8 months of not working.  THIS time around it’s a different story.  It’s energizing…but exhausting.  I come home from work mentally fried after fielding an interview or two that same day.  And I haven’t been exercising as regularly as I’d hoped I would to blow off that stress.  I finally got back in the gym yesterday for the first time this year!  What a joy that the typical New Years crowds have died down!

My coach recommended a wonderful exercise to practice when I’m feeling in a whirlwind, fried and running on adrenaline. It’s 3 minutes of mindfulness…of sensing my body, where it’s touching surfaces like the floor or a chair…then noticing the sounds I hear around me…and lastly what I see.  And a few deep breaths!  That’s the high level content of the exercise and yes, it works!

I thought I’d post today about one of the 10 principles of Intuitive Eating.  Sometimes (rather, often times), writing things down helps the ideas and concepts seal into my brain. 

Principle 1:  Reject the diet mentality.  Yeah, this one’s a DOOZY, especially this first part of the year when it seems just about everyone is making resolutions to lose weight and trying all sorts of diets or cleanses and gleefully posting about them on Facebook or in water cooler chit-chat at work.  Here’s what the authors have to say about this oh-so-challeging-to-grasp first principle:

“Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you the false hope of losing weight quickly, easily and permanently.  Get angry at the lies that have led you to feel as if you were a failure every time a new diet stopped working and you gained back all of the weight.  If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover Intuitive Eating.”

Hoo doggy…how’s THAT for a polarizing few sentences?  Flies right in the face of what most of us (well, many I know) have been taught through society expectations and peer pressure, doesn’t it?  What do YOU think about this first principle? 

Yep…”get angry at the lies.”  That’s powerful stuff!  When a diet ‘failed’ and I gained back all of the weight and then some, I immediately pointed the finger at myself, that *I* was the once who blew it.  Know what?  It was the DIET…NOT ME!  I’m really trying to get the clanging gong in my head once and for all that DIETS DON’T WORK! They are THE quickest way to short-circuit a healthy relationship with food. And like my coach says, “once you have made that mental shift, you can’t un-ring the bell.”  It reminds me a bit of the workshops I did last spring which celebrate men and women and our differences.  Talk about an illuminating new point of view!  Once you really let it sink in, there’s no going back.  Ever.

There’s much, much more about this first principle in the book…and there is a very detailed 4-step process on how to go about rejecting the diet mentality.  I promise you, this content is worth reading through several times.  We are so diet-obsessed in this society and readily identify with a choice to diet no matter what it is…and yet the Intuitive Eating process is quite often met with confusion or dismissal.  Listening to internal cues, eating what my body wants when it’s hungry…and stopping when I feel full.  How can this be so foreign and hard to grasp? 

One poster on an IE online discussion forum I peruse frequently sums it up great, with a little tongue in cheek:  “It’s hilarious that people can post about what urine they are injecting to lose weight, or what barely legal speed pill is the new miracle of weight loss, but any mention of eating according to natural hunger and you are a zealot and unacceptable.”  I love it.  And I hope she doesn’t mind me anonymously quoting her post.  It’s a gem and worth sharing.

I’m just barely turning a corner on this journey, leaving dieting behind forever.  I know this is the right path for me. 

No one knows my body better than my own body!

Anything, Anytime…Really?? Part Deux and More

10 Sunday Feb 2013

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Last week I jumped into my latest Intuitive Eating assignment…to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, whether I’m hungry or not…while being present and mindful.  For an entire week. And to notice how I feel!  As I mentioned last week, to many this might sound like a fun food vacation of sorts…a bender!  A freedom binge! Wooohoooo!  But I felt panicky and nervous, fearing I’d gain even more weight or only crave junk foods and end up malnourished.  Now, the rational part of my brain knows that one week is not going to break me in any way.  Not weight-wise or nutrition-wise.

But let me back up for a minute.  When did all this insanity about worrying about my weight, trying diets and continually failing start for me?  I remember the trigger now…like it was yesterday.

When puberty started with most of my friends, my body was one of the later ones to join in.  All of my friends were having their growth spurts, starting to wear bras, get their periods…but not me.  Was something wrong with me?  When was it going to happen for me?  I felt left behind but there was absolutely nothing I could do.  My Mom reminded me that she didn’t go through her growth spurt until she was 14 or so and that it’s hereditary.  Well, telling a 12-year-old to wait two years is a prescription for a long, painful wait.  Two years to a 12-year-old is eternity.

So…around age 14 or so, I did finally grow.  About 7-8″ in a year.  I remember going to my doctor’s office for a checkup.  I was 5′ 3″ (this is after the growth spurt) and around 103 lbs.  Still getting used to my new body, but SO relieved I’d finally grown (although I wished I could be 5 or 6 inches taller, ha ha)! 

Here’s the trigger:  my doctor took out a piece of paper and a pen and started writing down his projections on how much weight I would gain every year for the next few years as I reached my full height.  He told me I needed to start watching my weight, because according to him I would end up about 5′ 3″ or 5′ 4″ and weigh 130 lbs!  Which was too much according to the height/weight charts in his office!  I should be no more than around 120 or 125 lbs, he said.  HOLY FUCK!  I was sooo happy to be growing up, and then I get a smack down…a warning.  A pre-punishment.  Don’t ever hit the dreaded 130 lbs, I now thought!  UGH!  Something will be horribly wrong with me if I gain 27 lbs over the rest of my life!

Was this the type of ‘responsibility’ I would have as a teen and as a woman, to watch my weight?  I guess I thought it was!  And when a voice of authority tells you this you internalize it deeply.  He’s a doctor – he’s been my doctor since I was a baby.  Doctors are smart people.  I should listen to everything he says and do it and not question it.  So…I didn’t. 

A few days later my folks took my brothers and me out for ice cream.  We did this occasionally as a special treat…and I LOVE ice cream!  But I remembered my doctor’s words to ‘watch my weight,’ and, with tears in my eyes in the store, decided not to have any ice cream.  I sat there in the store and felt so weird and ashamed.  Maybe this is what it meant to watch my weight – to say no to a scoop of ice cream I really wanted?

So whooomp there it is.  From then on, my fear of weight gain became a clanging gong in my head.  Is this a kind of a morphed self-fulfilling prophecy?  What I feared eventually became reality for me?  Help me out here, psychology-oriented readers!

I felt happy and proud about last week’s assignment to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  But when I had my phone coaching session, I was told I was being too restrictive.  I was only eating when I was hungry, which resulted in a more grazing or snacking way of eating.  I liked how I didn’t have that hunger pain and light headed feeling I would typically get between 4 and 5pm at work. 

What are my FORBIDDEN foods, she asked me.  I could only muster up an answer like granola, because I’ve always been told to avoid it because it’s high in fat.  But I DID have a bowl or two during the previous week and felt satisfied!  Where am I still being judgmental about what I eat when I write about it in here?  Honestly I am probably too close and emotionally attached to my feelings and my words to see it.  Could it be where I unconsciously applauded myself on only taking a couple spoonfuls of risotto from the food bar for lunch, rather than thinking “hey, I ate risotto today and felt great”?  Maybe that’s it!

When we finished our phone session I was exhausted.  I felt sad and angry.  I felt like I had done a great job over the past week with my eating assignment, but internalized the feedback as ‘you’re doing it wrong again, fivenineteen.’  Fuck, I  hate that stupid voice in my head!  I learned that before I can achieve my longer-term goal of normalizing my weight, that I might actually gain some weight over the next few months during this process.  And how would I feel about that eh?  Oh good Lord, I choked up inside.  Gain even MORE weight? That horrifies me.  She and I talked through this…and I’ll spare you the details but trust me it was emotional and scary. 

I know way deep down on a practical level that this intuitive eating process is going to reset my body into knowing it CAN have any food any time it wants.  It’s not going to starve (which is what the body thinks is happening to it when we diet).  But that practical info and how I’m feeling about potentially gaining more weight still has a deep crevasse between it.  How do I bridge this?  Do I build a “mental” bridge to understand this more…or just take a running leap off the edge of the crevasse and hope I land on the other side, whether it’s on my feet or a funny belly flop?  Can I truly leave behind the feelings I got instilled in me circa 1981 from those words from my doctor?  Truly once and for all?

I have such a deep hunger (no pun intended) to understand so many things around me.  Well, not everything, but I am naturally curious.  On the flip side, I have no desire to understand how my car works.  It gets me safely from point A to point B and I make sure it’s maintained properly. I don’t know exactly what is done when they change the oil or check the tire pressure and I don’t care to know…I only know it’s good to do it.  I don’t have any desire to understand how my digestive system works.  Well, maybe on a high level, but not at the molecular/chemical level.  Never was much into biology.  But yet I’ve been told I have a tendency to ‘clue out’ on certain things.  I miss key points.  This just leaves me feeling frustrated and angry.  How is my need to understand things either empowering or disempowering me through this intuitive eating journey?  Well, I suppose it could be disempowering.  Intuitive eating is not a diet.  And it’s so goddamn hard to try to explain that to people, especially this time of year when people are still holding onto new years resolutions to diet or do cleanses, etc.   And how diet-obsessed we are as a society any time of year, really.

Instinctively I want to know…how long is this process going to take?  And oh, I now may have to take a step *backwards* and gain more weight in the short-term?  Yeah, I felt ‘backwards’ in my brain so I wrote that word down; I don’t do a lot of editing when I write in here.  But maybe gaining some additional weight isn’t a step backwards at all…maybe it’s just…a step!  I’ll have to keep working on that one for sure.

So are you wondering what I’ve been eating this past week?  Here we go.

What are my truly forbidden foods?  Maybe I’ve unconsciously been rejecting them so hard for so long that I’ve blocked them out of my mind without even recognizing it anymore!  How can I think about this without over-thinking  it?  Hmmm…OK here’s a few.  Deep fried foods like tempura or KFC.  Super processed foods like velveeta cheese or beef jerky.  French fries.  Red licorice.  And drum roll….FAST FOOD!!  Aha!  I realized the fast food dealio after I’d gotten home from work and the grocery store.  Let me tell you about the grocery store this time around!

I walk down aisles I rarely ever walk down.  Looking at candy, cookies and crackers.  What jumps out at me?  I fill my basket with smoked sausage sticks (kind of like beef jerky…I love sausage), pesto-flavored bagels (which I will toast and smear with cream cheese oh yeahhhh), more sliced pepperoni and a piece of berry-flavored cheesecake.  Then the movie-theatre style of popcorn, which I will drizzle with melted butter.  Pickles!  Huge, dill pickles!  Starburst candies!  YES! 

Meanwhile, I have never farted so potently and so frequently in my life.  Good grief on Friday afternoon at work I was a putt-putt-puttin’ motorboat.  Thankfully I had very few meetings that day and wouldn’t risk my co-workers keeling over getting downwind of me!

Friday night dinner…glorious mac and cheese with white cheddar.  I started off with some sausage sticks (there’s the esophagus burning but so worth it).  And some cheese puffs.  A pickle while the pasta was boiling and another after dinner.  Then popcorn with butter later in the evening!

Saturday morning breakfast…V8 juice and berry-filled cheesecake!  Afternoon goodness:   I rotate between the cheesecake, pickles, sausage sticks and some pepperoni slices with cream cheese.  So what else is on my personal forbidden foods list?

Ahhh…ice cream!  I never keep it in the freezer anymore on purpose.  But I picked up some Ben & Jerry’s…when was the last time I had ice cream like this?  Delicious. And then I DID IT.  Funny how there is a McDonald’s and a Dairy Queen each within walking distance from my house.  I’ve always had this proud feeling that after living here a decade I had never EVER set foot in either of those places.  OK, one time I had a Blizzard though.  So as I was driving up to the McDonald’s I felt kind of tingly and nervous.  This was a funny feeling actually and it surprised me!  I’m not feeling very hungry at all but that quarter pounder goes down so smooth and tastes SO good.  Yep, that’s a forbidden food alright!  Oh and the fries too. 

I feel proud I’ve realized what else is on my forbidden foods list besides granola!  And I’ve eaten a few of them…yeah I felt a little guilty but not regretful.  Sure I felt a little bloated yesterday but I woke up today feeling great.  Not with the typical hunger pangs that wake me when I sleep in on the weekends.

Sunday morning breakfast and grazing…more Ben & Jerry’s some V8 juice and the cheese puffs.  Oh and pepperoni slices with cream cheese.  These all taste sooo good.  I feel a little weird but feel happy! 

I trust this process, I trust this process…ergh but I’m still fighting off the weird feelings.  And trying to explain this to friends or others not on this journey?  Well, that’s fodder for another post.

Anything, Anytime…Really?

03 Sunday Feb 2013

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Panic. Terror. Anxiety.  When I got my latest ‘homework’ during my second Intuitive Eating phone coaching session on Thursday, I freaked out.  It was like drawing a mental blank…my mind couldn’t compute what I was hearing.  I could envision nothing but a black, dark void.

My homework?  For one week, eat anything you want, whether you are hungry or not.  The only caveat is to be 100% PRESENT and MINDFUL to what you are eating.  And notice how you feel!  Gah!!

But I promised to commit myself 150% to this process.  To be ready to transform myself and bust free of dieting hell and the yo-yo weight gains and losses I’ve sustained over the past nearly 20 years (eek, that’s nearly half my life!).  I’ve conditioned myself to only eat carbs during dinner (a la the Carbohydrate Addicts diet) which I’ve attempted twice, each time gaining back the weight I lost and then some.  Yep, that ‘carbs only at dinner’ mindset is tattooed in my brain, and I still beat myself up mentally when I stray. I’m learning that I could actually be unconsciously dieting without even thinking about it!  Oh dear, what a smothering, vicious cycle this is!

So.  With this week-long experiment the idea is to quiet my mind (yeah, good luck with that).  Quiet my mind and instead listen to what my body says it needs.

To some this might sound like HOT DAMN, HOO DOGGY…woohooo!!  For me it was terrifying.  And still is – I’m just a few days into it.  What am I afraid of?  Honestly, I’m afraid of gaining even more weight.  I’m afraid of bingeing and feeling like I’ve eaten too much and “should” slow down or stop.  I’m afraid my body will only crave unhealthy foods and I’ll end up malnourished.

But, I dove right in.  They say to do one thing a day that scares you, right?  This is definitely it!  So below is a peek of my food journal.  I started this experiment February 1.  Ahh, there’s something nice about a new calendar page and a new start.  The timing was fantastic.

February 1:  Breakfast was a morning food “Gulp,” (not what I would call breakfast):  a chunk of cheddar cheese.  I feel rushed and stressed and not necessarily hungry as I’m trying to get out the door and in the car to drive to work.  I force the cheese down; it’s at an earlier time of morning I’m not usually eating, but I force it down because I’m worried I’ll feel hungrier later in the mid morning which is my prime-time for more difficult tasks at work and meetings.

Mid morning snack:  Dried squares of seaweed, flavored with salt and sesame oil…YUM.  I feel zing-y inside and nourished, energized.  Light.

Lunch:  I head over to the large eating area on our company campus.  They have an incredible variety of food choices, including a hot food bar which I really enjoy.  I pick up 1 large meatball with seasonings.  It looks hearty but the meat is really pink and undercooked inside so I stop after a bite.  Disappointed.  I also got a couple of squares of portabella mushroom ravioli.  I feel a little guilty eating carbs and cream sauce during lunchtime but it’s so rich tasting.  Eating slowly to savor the taste.  And a couple scoops of barley risotto.  I love the crunch and nutty texture which is different from the ravioli.  I feel full and don’t finish the second spoonful.

Afternoon snack:  Sea salt and vinegar potato chips.  I took a few moments to inhale the aroma in the bag – the vinegar scent makes me feel energized.  I’m not very hungry but I eat a few anyway.  Next a handful of raw, unsalted almonds.  I was starting to feel low on energy but I felt full still.  The afternoon energy drop I typically experience between 4 and 5pm was not as severe as it’s been when I’ve eaten low/no carb lunches.

Evening of 2/01:  I’m not really feeling super famished – this is great!  I go to the grocery store and don’t feel freaked out (I hate the feeling of being at the grocery store when you’re hungry).  I purchase a couple of containers of Greek yogurt, on-the-vine tomatoes, more of those dried seaweed snacks with sesame oil flavor, pesto, gum, sour cream, chips, organic mac & cheese, sushi for tonight and some beer.  Around 9pm I eat the sushi…it’s brown rice style with sashimi and I mix the wasabi with some spicy wasabi-infused soy sauce in my fridge.  YUM.  I feel elated and full of energy…love the spicy flavors and the seafood!  The rice makes me feel satisfied and not bloated.

Saturday February 2:  I don’t eat anything until 11am.  I was hosting our annual HOA meeting at my townhouse and was feeling excited to see everyone and a little anxious too.

After the meeting I had a piece of cheddar cheese and three huge glasses of V8 juice.  I feel alive and happy, like the juice is nourishing me!  And few small slices of spicy pepperoni.  My stomach feels a little irritated and my esophagus burns a little, but I like it.  Then around 1pm I had a sudden hunger urge.  I found a small serving of leftover pasta and vodka cream sauce in a Tupperware in the fridge. About 2-3 bites. I ate it cold.  Just what I needed!  I feel happy.

I later went to the PCC near my house.  I’m always endlessly fascinated with the variety of foods they carry!  I was in search of primrose oil capsules (they’re supposed to help stabilize PMS cravings and mitigate breast tenderness, among other things), chocolate mousse, organic butter on sale, cilantro lime spread and some live raw bars.  Then I went to my favorite spa for a long-overdue waxing appointment.  Time to get the eyebrows shaped and tinted too…I’m back in job hunting mode bigtime and need to get cleaned up to look my best for interviews!   I got there early and went to the Starbucks across the street to get a nonfat latte.  The lemon pound cake inside the pastry case literally jumped out at me – I need a piece!  I ate about half of it in very small bites.  It made me feel alive and happy.

Dinner:  I am hungry and want mac & cheese.  It’s 5:30pm and I instinctively think OMG no, it’s too early to start dinner.  I start a load of laundry instead.  Then it’s 6:00 and I say fuck it, I’m hungry, let’s start the water boiling.  I made a full box of mac & cheese and ate about 1/3 of it with some shredded mozzarella cheese on top (cheese on top of cheese LOL). I feel happy and full!  The rest goes in the Tupperware for another time.  I had some chips with that cilantro lime spread as a dip later in the evening.  And a couple spoonfuls of the chocolate mousse.  Delighted!

Sunday February 3:  It felt wonderful sleeping in a little later (11am).  I was feeling thirsty so I grabbed a big glass of water and took my typical round of supplements (which now includes the evening primrose oil).  Was I feeling hungry?  Yes, a little bit…so I grabbed some pomegranate-flavored Greek yogurt and had a big glass of V8 juice.  I feel full and a little bloated after finishing the glass of juice – maybe I drank it too quickly.  I love the flavor though!

I came back from running errands and am suddenly hungry again!  So I have a few small bites of the leftover mac & cheese from last night.  I feel guilty about doing that!   And a glass of water.  About an hour later I’m not feeling particularly hungry but I really want one of the raw bars I purchased yesterday.  It’s a chocolate/coconut flavor and it’s delicious!  Now I’m full again.

So, as you can see this is still a very new process for me. Food and my weight are very emotional to me, but it’s hard for me to put those emotions into words, whether on the phone with my coach or in writing here.  So I’ll keep working on it and not beating myself up if I’m not ‘doing it right’ (compared to WHAT, right??)

I vow to reject the diet mentality…saying goodbye and GOOD RIDDANCE to 15+ years of trying/failing at Carbohydrate Addicts, by losing and re-gaining 30-35 lbs each time.  I need to envision shedding the dieting mentality like when an animal molts.  They grow, transform and gleefully walk away from their old skin.  It doesn’t fit and doesn’t suit me any longer!

Honoring Thy Hunger…the Intuitive Eating Journey Begins

27 Sunday Jan 2013

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This past Thursday was my first phone coaching session in Intuitive Eating principles.  This is another one of those moments where I feel like I’ve jumped off the platform and am flying through the air, knowing and trusting the trapeze bar or the strong, trusted hands of a partner will be there to catch me at just the right time.  Scary and exhilarating. 

Lots of you who tune in here regularly know that I made a vow to myself awhile back after I finished college.  As an adult I would never let myself get close-minded.  I would always be open to considering trying new things.  From hockey to starting a jewelry business, training to run 5Ks, making a shift to contract/consulting work, joining online discussion groups and taking workshops for personal growth. Oh, and starting this blog back in late 2009.  Those are just a few things the past decade has brought – what’s shaped me.  Not too shabby a progress report I’d say!

What a segue…shape.  Have I made peace with my own body shape?  Yes, somewhat.  But I’m packing around much more weight than is healthy for me (see my rude awakening post last week which brought me to sobs).  I scratch my head and wonder.  Beauty really IS in the eye of the beholder.  I think about men I’ve had relationships with over the years.  When I was at my thinnest the guy I was dating at the time had pretty much zero interest in having sex with me.  Huh?  Strange.  And since I’ve packed on some poundage in the last couple of years it didn’t seem to bother the guy I briefly dated a couple of years ago who never knew me when I was a lot slimmer, or the guy I’ve been on a handful of dates with just this month.  Can Intuitive Eating really help me get my weight normalized?  That’s my ultimate goal, but, as I’m learning, Intuitive Eating is NOT a quick fix.  And it’s NOT a diet.  There are no recipes or suggested meal plans in this book at all.  This philosophy is part of the anti-diet movement (go online and you’ll find tons of material about this topic).

Diets don’t work!  Maybe for the short-term, but not necessarily for the long-term.  And I can only speak from personal experience here.  I tried the online version of Weight Watchers a few years ago and gave up after about a month.  I felt constrained by the points system they use.  I don’t mind structure and boundaries, but it was too much for me to handle and I immediately rebelled.  Perhaps if I’d done the in-person method rather than online I would have had better success and support, but I don’t have any interest in trying it again.  I’ve done the Carbohydrate Addicts diet.  Twice, actually.  This was the only diet I ever really stuck with, as it didn’t make you cut out carbs.  With that diet, you only eat carbs during one meal, usually dinner.  And finish within an hour.  I liked this method because I could still enjoy pasta, bread or chips if I wanted…if I waited until dinner.  I’m very much against plans that cut out certain types of foods.  I think our bodies were designed to be fueled by a variety.  Now, I’m not against cutting out things like meat, dairy or gluten for ethical reasons or because of allergies say to gluten or dairy.  I do have a variety of cookbooks specializing in Raw Food, the Paleo/Primal lifestyle and Vegan cooking.  All endlessly fascinating! 

But, in the end, none of what I’ve tried has worked for the long haul.  The IE book covers so many fascinating topics…such as how we were all born intuitive eaters, but often times something changes in our childhood.  Body image issues, peer pressure…so many things start to get in the way of how we were naturally programmed to eat.  I’m just through the first few chapters of this book and I love it.  But the material IS a paradigm shift.  It requires concentration, focus…and being open-minded to its principles.

I’m practicing listening to my body and what it needs.  Honoring my hunger…and stopping when I feel full.  This is like learning a new dance step.  In reading this book so far, I’ve learned I’m an unconscious eater.  I likely eat more than I need to because I don’t pay attention to the signals my body is full or getting full.  I’m usually doing something else when I’m eating, like watching TV or at my desk at work on my laptop.  I’ve rarely ever sat down at my dining room table, by myself, no TV on and no computer/phone nearby and eaten a meal.  It just seems silly, strange and inefficient…and too quiet…I could just as easily be watching a great TV show or catching up on my emails and texts!

So there’s much more excitement and learning ahead.  I already know this is going to be an emotional journey.  I’ve never talked about my true, deep relationship with food out loud in depth with anyone before so it’s going to be weird, but I trust my friend implicitly.  And I feel I’ve failed my body in letting it get to this size, which ties into the woe-is-me-I’m-still-single-this-must-be-why downward spiral.  Not pretty but it’s my truth right now.  It’s very painful going down that slippery slope of thoughts. 

They’re all tied together, so when any one of them turns sad, they all get pulled into an emotional riptide.

Opposite Anorexic

21 Monday Jan 2013

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I’ve read how people with anorexia can have a very distorted body image when they look in the mirror.  They may be painfully, dangerously thin but see a fat person looking back at them in the mirror.

I have the opposite problem.  I’m no string bean and have always struggled with my weight, but I’ve always thought I looked good in the mirror.  In proportion and relatively fit.  Great smile and great skin.  I love my hair too…well, most days.  Sure over the years a few crinkles and grey hairs have popped up, and that double chin keeps trying to pop back in.  And the pounds.  Over the years I’ve learned to embrace how I’m built.  I’ll never be 6 feet tall with mile-long legs nor will I have deep, olive skin that tans. [As a kid I wanted to grow up to be Cher!!  No kidding!].  And in my adulthood my style icon is/was the late, great Carolyn Bessette Kennedy.  Once again, my style icon is tall.  But I got blessed with a 5′ 4″ body complete with short legs (this is why I mostly wear heels), pale skin that doesn’t tan…and curves.  Even when I was at my leanest a few years ago, I was a curvy size 6.  With a tiny waist and all.

So, there’s a huge difference between looking in the mirror and seeing yourself in pictures.  I now cringe at pictures and try to not be the one front and center in full view.  I feel wonderful, happy, sexy and blessed…and yet in pictures I see this large girl very out of proportion to most others around me.  I look huge!  I started having this realization that I was not the size I perceived myself to be when I went shopping last summer for a trip to Kansas City.  No wonder I hardly shop for clothes anymore and spend my money on great accessories like shoes, purses, jewelry and sunglasses!  Accessories don’t care what size you are!

And last weekend I did something I haven’t done in about two years.  I got on the scale.  It’s been staring at me in the guest bathroom whenever I’m in there, taunting me.  When I was losing weight and doing lots of walking about 9 (eesh going on 10) years ago, I’d weigh myself daily every morning and take the weekly averages of my weight and plot it on a graph.  I loved this method, for you could easily trend your weight loss over time, and not freak out about a pound or two weight gain on the daily weigh-ins.  Our weight fluctuates up and down all the time, which is why I am opposed to weekly weigh-ins.  You don’t get the full story.

So last weekend there it was, that number staring back at me:  199.5 lbs.  Holy fuck.  I shlumped to the floor and sobbed.  How in the hell could this happen???  I can’t possibly weigh that much, right??  I’m only 5’4″ (1.6m)!!  FUCK!!  FUCK!! FUCK!! Oh and that’s about 90.5 kg for my metric readers.

I’m still in shock and horror reading this.  I know I’m not skinny.  I can wear (US) size 14 clothes most of the time and carry them off fairly well, but my tiny waist is long gone.  I can row 5000m in under 30 minutes!  I can lift weights! I’m no lazy ass…right?  What the hell happened?  Well, blame it on the 40-something decade, but that’s just an excuse.  About 5 years ago I went on the Pill after finding a new doctor, having started a new relationship too.  Oh, and a new job.  Turns out I was batting zero with all 3 after less than a year but that’s OK…not all of our paths go the way we want them to.  I remember being reluctant to go back on the Pill because of the potential for weight gain, but I was assured the hormone levels were far lower than when I took the Pill 25+ years ago as a teen to help regulate my periods.

But nope, I blew up like a balloon.  The Pill was one of the dumbest most recent decisions I’ve made and I’ll never, ever do it again.

Now I’m stuck with a legacy I can’t shake and the pounds have crept up big time.  I think I was around 170-175 lbs at my heaviest a few years ago (at least from what I know, when I weighed myself).

So what to do?  WELL, the Universe has once again served up exactly what’s needed when it’s needed.  I’m going to start meeting weekly with a friend who is going through an intensive program to become a weight loss coach, specializing in Intuitive Eating.  I’m going to be her guinea pig as she practices coaching me!  This is going to be a wonderful journey and I’m super excited she reached out to suggest this! Thrilled! Going in with an open mind and the dial on 10.

Now, I’m a Taurus, so I take my food VERY seriously…it’s a sensual pleasure.  I love eating out and trying new foods.  I love pretty much any food save for super strong curries and Brussel sprouts.  I love grocery shopping and browsing cookbooks.  Great food, drink and conversation feed my soul.  So any super restrictive diety-diets are only good for the short-term and will leave me deprived, hungry and angry.  Or not even wanting to try them at all.

So my next few posts may likely document how things are progressing through this Intuitive Eating program, but it won’t be my sole focus in here.  Fivenineteen.org is eclectic just like her author, so keep on expecting variety as always.

And if you have a topic you’d like me to blog about, please feel free to message me!