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For the first time in probably 15 years I have tomorrow (Veterans Day) as a holiday!  No work!  WOW.  And this company is actually observing it as a holiday for the very first time.  Cool thing to do!

And oddly enough right now, I wish it wasn’t so I could keep busy with work.  I’m sure I’ll find stuff to do.  I know there’s tons of stuff to do, starting with getting all the clothes from my closet which are now draped on a railing down in the living room sorted through for a big Purge.  And a big Goodwill run.  Yeah, that’ll feel great!

How hollow it feels when you think you’re feeling great and everything in your life is going really well and then WHAMMO it all changes and goes sideways.  Upside down.

My grandmother (turned 97 in July!) fell recently and isn’t pulling out very well with her recovery.  She’s sleeping a lot and doesn’t have much of an appetite.  That might be partly due to her pain medication (she has a compression fracture in her lumbar)…and it might also be because she’s slowing down.  What an amazing woman she is.  Amazing and inspirational…even those words fall short when describing her.  I’m so blessed to be in my 40s and still have a grandparent around who is loving and coherent.

And now here’s where it gets more teary…J.  Wonderful J.  So wonderful with all he’s done and provided.  So much fun we’ve had together these nearly 11 (!) months.  A couple of hikes.  Just hanging and watching football.  The day trip to Mount St. Helens on my birthday. Going on walks.  Tackling my beyond messy garage and transforming it into the most organized room in the house.  Support for my journey into improved fitness.  Time with his friends.  Parties.  Spontaneous cooking and barbecuing together.  Lazy, relaxing mornings.  I took everything he said and did as signs of love for me.  But on Friday night I learned that wasn’t true.  He told me he wasn’t in love with me and probably never will be.

It’s like thinking something is real and finding out it wasn’t.  Well no, that’s not quite true…I’m really struggling for the right words here.  I know I’m not angry.  Just sad…really sad.  I’ve had my good hours and bad hours.  We both really like each other – that’s no doubt.  And if we were to never see each other again we’d both be sad.

He still wants to help me with my home projects.  What a relief, as I’ve got a bedroom, bed and closet that need help getting put back together big time.

So we’ll just see how this goes.  This is uncharted territory for both of us.  If he never wanted to see me again he would have told me that and that would have been that.  That’s more typical in how our past relationships have ended.

Mercury is retrograde through today.  Well shit…no wonder!!  Damn…everyone around me at work and people I’ve talked to said last week was really rough for lots of reasons.  And now I’ve got two more to add to that.

I’m not mad at J.  In fact, what he did, as painful and hard as it was to hear, really showed a lot of respect for me and integrity on his part.  I really, truly believe this!!

So…low to no drama here.  That’s how we roll here in fivenineteen land…well, for the most part.  I’m not going to scream and break dishes.  I’m not going to drive off a cliff.  I’m just going to feel my emotions as they well up and take care of myself.  I’m not going to beat myself up for misinterpreting his time and actions.  That’s a hard habit to break but I keep trying.