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WOW, what a difference a day makes!  Yesterday was a struggle to make it happy, productive, useful.  Well, it was Saturday and that usually slows my pace way down…so I try not to put too much pressure on myself to do too much.  That’s hard this time of year with the holidays and all.  I still haven’t finished up all of my shopping.  And Aunt Flo really kicked my butt this time around.  Notsomuch with the cramps (hurray – great benefit of regular exercise), but my emotions completely went down the tubes for a couple of days.

And I guess I hadn’t (haven’t?) finished getting over a couple of recent losses.  I woke up on Saturday feeling swallowed up in depression.  I miss my Grandma so much.  She was such a gift to our family and everyone she knew.  It’s hard to describe, but it’s like she was indestructible.  Now I know that can’t be true…we’re all human and have limited years on Earth.  Grandma was lucky to have 97 and a half of them…most of them active and healthy.

I haven’t written about J in awhile.  Most of the posts about him were about fun things we did together.  And all of the help he provided getting my garage cleaned up and so much more.  It’s been just a little over a month since he told me, after nearly a year, that he’s not in love with me and won’t ever will be.  I thought I was doing OK taking this on board and moving on with my life, but yesterday just really dragged down my spirit.  I’m single…again.  And this time of year that’s hard.  I guess I make it hard on myself, I don’t know.  Going to family gatherings, single.  I think that’s the hardest part of Thanksgiving and Christmas.  When I get really, really down I start feeling like a leftover freak sitting at the dining room table with everyone.  You want people to ask you if there’s a special guy in your life.  And when they don’t ask you wonder…do they just expect you not to – ever?  Have they given up on you?  I see my youngest brother and my younger cousins all getting married, having children.  Seeing their little ones over the holidays – that’s the best part! 

I never wanted kids (I knew this as a young teen actually) but I DO want a long-term, loving partnership in my life.  I know he’s out there somewhere.  I just thought we’d have met by now.  I see everyone around me paired up.  Are they happy?  I sure hope so.  I’m so fucking tired of having to do things on my own.  Try to take care of my townhouse alone.  Make plans to renovate, remodel, travel the world…I don’t LIKE traveling solo and get resentful when I have to take on the burden of planning and paying for home repairs and projects.  Do I wait until I have enough cash saved up?  Or take on debt? 

My townhouse is in a state of limbo and mess.  I have clothes everywhere that I’m slowly weeding out and getting packed off to Goodwill, and a new walk-in closet will get built in early January – hurray!  I’m just embarrassed that everything is taking so long.  My folks came over to drop off my Grandma’s new bed and pillow she had just the last few weeks of her life.  It will be perfect for my guestroom for now.  I apologized for how messy my place was and almost started crying right in front of them.  I never have them over.  I know that’s probably ridiculous because they’re just one suburb over.  I’m embarrassed at how out of date my townhouse is compared to their house, my brother’s, etc. I’m overwhelmed and sad.  There’s clutter everywhere. 

So all of these emotions really weighed me down yesterday.  It took all I could dredge up to force myself to get in the gym and do some intervals on the treadmill.  I was waiting for those endorphins to kick in…but they didn’t.  Oh well, at least I did SOMETHING active and burned some calories. I like how the gym is really feeling comfortable to me, like a broken-in shoe.

L (my guy BFF) invited me over to his place last night to cook dinner with him and watch hockey.  He wanted to make turkey burgers, cous cous and a kale salad, awww.  Normally I would have loved this chance to hang out and joke around, but I called him and apologized that I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be good company, I told him.  I went around yesterday with tears literally welled up in my eyes.  On the treadmill.  At the grocery store looking for some amino acid supplements. L said you know what, fivenineteen, you’ve got a pretty fucking good life. Don’t get so down on yourself.  I smiled a little into the phone while I looked around at the clutter inside my house.  And the popcorn ceiling that still needs to be scraped off downstairs (not to mention upstairs).

I just needed to ride out this wave of depression and stay home last night.  I’m glad he respected my choice.  He lives in a great part of Seattle, but it’s a 45 minute drive from my house and in the mood I was in I just wasn’t up for it.

So today (Sunday) is worlds better.  I’m feeling much more like ‘me’ again.