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Bedroom Grinning

10 Sunday Jun 2012

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I was thinking about calling this post “Grinning in the Bedroom.”  But that might be a little misleading.  Although I AM grinning in this bedroom too but not for the reasons you might think. 

Now, why does a picture like this make me smile?  Let me count the ways!  It’s PROGRESS.  It’s ACTION.  It’s IMPROVEMENT…and it’s a sign of what’s to come.

A few months ago L and I started this messiest of messy home improvement projects call Scraping Off a Very Heavily Painted-Over Popcorn Ceiling.  It was Super Bowl Sunday actually when we kicked off – no pun intended.  I really wanted to do the fun stuff first like repaint a few walls I was getting sick of here in the townhouse and replace the old doors, but L wisely said no, we need to scrape, sand and repaint the ceilings first.  Man, he was right. 

Back in early February, June seemed a long ways off.  We figured sure, we’ll be done with the upstairs by June.  Now, blink the eyes and it’s MID JUNE.  We have made progress though not as much as I’d hoped.  We’ve learned so much about this process…the guinea pig room was my master bedroom and open dual-sink vanity area.  The largest of the 3 bedrooms upstairs and THE most personal, sacred place for me.  So it was painful cutting our teeth in there, it took far longer than we thought and it’s not yet finished – the ceiling is scraped and sanded but not yet primed and repainted.  Living with displaced clutter has grinded (ground?) my nerves but I’m a lot more used to it now.

The 3rd bedroom has been a dormant mess for, sadly, nearly 10 years.  It was going to be a guest bedroom but ended up being a dumping place for things I didn’t know what to do with…and was too lazy to tote down to the garage (which has yet to have some decent shelving added…Le Sigh that’s another thing on the list).  This weekend it was time to clean it out and scrape the ceiling.

L came over Friday evening.  I made quinoa chowder (find the recipe in my post here…I diced up a chicken breast, sautéed it and added it to the soup to make it a little heartier) and we just relaxed and watched TV.  It felt good having him over.  I’m feeling in a much better place these days.  Work is super busy, but I’m relieved my assignment will be extended into the fall.  I’ve got some fun summer plans on tap, I feel happy that L and I are great friends and he wants us to stay friends forever.  The home improvement work is messy and moving slowly but I trust that he will keep helping me until we finish.  I know it’s going to look great when we’re done.  By 10pm we were both tired and crashed.  He took over the living room couch, M’s dog by his side on the floor and I headed upstairs. 

The next morning I fueled us up with a big breakfast…bacon, scrambled eggs with Tabasco and toasted bagels with cream cheese.  And lots of coffee of course.  We finished the last part of the 3rd bedroom clutter…moving the books off the tall bookshelf and lying the bookcase on its side against the wall, ready to wrap in protective drop cloths.  Ideally we would have moved it completely out of the room but there was nowhere convenient to put it.  My upstairs hallway is pretty narrow, and the other room up here – my home office – now has boxes and stacks of books added to the rest of the clutter already in there.  It’s starting to look like it’s auditioning for an episode of Hoarders.  Scary.  Breathe, breathe…it’s temporary.  This is how I continually remind myself it’s going to get finished and all of this mess will be back in order.  I DO NOT live like this. And I giggled when I realized how pristine the carpet in the 3rd bedroom is.  It’s hardly been walked on in years.  The only routine action it gets is when my house cleaners vacuum what they can every month.

Now if you are considering attempting a ceiling scraping project like this, remember that you cannot have too many plastic drop cloths.  It’s essential to not only cover the floor with them, but also to tape drop cloths along the top edges of the walls to catch the ceiling debris as it comes down.  It’s a pain in the ass taping drop cloths along the top edges of the walls but if you do you will avoid a lot of mess with dust clinging to the walls as it comes down.  You can see a strip of leftover painter’s tape in the picture actually.

Compared to the large master bedroom and vanity area, this room was a breeze.  It’s a lot smaller – it’s too small to hold a queen-sized bed if you would also want two decent night stands to give you an idea of the size.  We started at the section where the window is, so we could take down that wall drop cloth first to get some ventilation.  For those of you just tuning in, L and I are doing the old “spray and scrape” method of taking down the popcorn ceiling.  I use a garden sprayer to spray small patches of the ceiling, let it sit for a few minutes, and L scrapes away.  We found a cool-looking tool designed for this purpose that attaches onto an extension pole awhile back.  Sadly, it’s too flimsy to do the job.  My ceilings are heavily painted over with thick, flat, matte white paint so a couple of good putty knives are what L uses while standing on a step stool.  One knife is 6″ wide and the other 3″ wide.  It’s tempting to get something even wider to cover more surface area more quickly, however the risk is if the ceiling is not perfectly flat you run the risk of gouging it with the tool edges.  So far no problems there.

We’re also learning about the fine line between getting the ceiling damp enough so the scraping is relatively easy, versus getting the ceiling too wet and risking mold later.  Another reason why good room ventilation is essential.  Thankfully the weather has been somewhat decent this weekend.  I’ll be keeping the window ajar for the next few days.  I can already see how a lot of the wetter patches have dried.

Now that the ceiling is scraped we’ll need to sand it down like we did in the master bedroom, but I’m already thrilled with how it looks.  This room is going to transform…I’m not 100% sure how yet but it will.  See that small patch of paint?  That’s a Benjamin Moore paint in Sioux Falls.  It’s a glorious bluish green and I can’t WAIT to paint!  I love color and I can’t wait to get rid of that horrible, flat white paint.  The ceiling will be painted off white, however, not colored.  

L thinks I should make that 3rd bedroom my home office and make the (larger) bedroom where I’m sitting here – my current home office – as the guest bedroom.  Interesting idea!  I could definitely put a queen-sized bed in this home office which would be a lot more comfortable for guests.   I know L likes smaller, cozier spaces to work in, while I thrive in more open spaces.  This could be a fun way to change things up.  Technologically it could be a problem now that I think of it…that 3rd bedroom does not have any phone jacks or cable hookup.  Gotta love older (32 year old) homes that are not pre-wired for technology like homes are today.  Hmmm.

So while I tend to get frustrated when I see the long road ahead in getting this townhouse updated and the shell game of having to move crap between rooms to clear them out for the ceiling work, I remember how great a place it is.  The floor plan is kickass.  I remember when I was ready to start looking to buy a place and made a list of my priorities for my realtor.  She found everything I was looking for at the top of my list…3 bedrooms and townhouse style!   And a huge 2-car garage!  They just don’t make them like this anymore.   Sometimes I wish I’d purchased a newer home that didn’t need so much updating.  Carpet, countertops, window treatments, flooring, appliances…but I know that newer places have problems too.  Guess it’s all part of the journey of homeownership.

For now, I grin…progress and wonderful Man Help thanks to my guy BFF!!

Club 45

20 Sunday May 2012

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How in hell did I get to be 45?? Before I go into panic mode, let me breathe and remember…what’s that saying about getting older…enjoy it because it’s a privilege denied to many.  Ah, now that feels better.

I really do feel younger and sillier than I did in my 20s and 30s.  I was trying to stake a claim at some sort of career path and figure so much out.  Sure I had fun, but I was pretty serious at the core. 

And the two paths of my life, personal and professional, really started ‘forking’ and developing (or not) in very different ways.  I wouldn’t call myself a whiz or expert in my jobs, but I do good work and I’m proud of it.  I’m proud that I can provide for myself and support myself in a fairly decent lifestyle.  The personal side of me, well, that’s been a slippery path.  I struggled with depression starting in my late 20s and early 30s.  My friends, cousins and my brother were all getting married and having children…really turning into ‘adults’ I guess.  And me?  Nope.  Why wasn’t it happening for me?  Sure, there were dates and a few boyfriends but none of those relationships went anywhere.   Was there something wrong with me?  Did I miss something important about adult life or successful romantic relationships that everyone magically learned and I spaced?   Ugh, I hate feeling like some weirdo leftover freakazoid.   What was it??

Well, a few rounds of counseling and the school that is Life have helped immensely.  I never wanted to try going on antidepressants or anything.  Something about the fact they chemically alter the brain kind of freaks me out.  Maybe that’s not entirely a true statement.  I know many people who have taken them and it’s been extremely beneficial for them.  

I just keep trying to be open and self-aware and continue to grow and improve wherever I can at being the best I can be.  Sure there have been years that were clunkers, growing/rebuilding years and, looking back, a few that were downright shitty.  I’m a firm believer that everything happens exactly as it’s suppose to happen, even if the reason for it is not entirely clear in the moment.  And I never, ever give up.  I know that positivity is one of my strengths.  Yes, I do want to get married eventually. 

So, yesterday was my birthday (and the reason for the name of this blog too).  Given this was a mini-milestone birthday of sorts, I decided I deserved a little extra pampering. 

I got a massage on Thursday.  Hoo doggy, this was such an amazing experience that I am probably going to shuffle around some of my budget so I can get one monthly.  Kind of sad it’s been 5 years since I’ve had one!  And it shows alright!! J had her work cut out for her, as my upper shoulders and back are cement-like and full of knots.  I joked with her ahead of time about this and we had a good laugh.  She also suggested I play around with how I have my work and home laptops positioned.  My arms are pretty short compared to my torso and rest of my body, and she says I likely have the keyboards too far away, so the constant reaching causes stress and strain in my arms, shoulders and pecs.  Ah, makes sense!  Kind of sad how “just” working away at a desk on a computer can cause injuries over time!  Oh, and how did I connect up with J?  She is a client of L’s; he built her website in the link above.  Nice!

So on my actual birthday I had a wonderful lunch with my folks at Milagro in downtown Kirkland.  Such a prime spot right on Lake Street!  And the weather was beautiful, so everyone was out with kids, dogs, biking, roller blading…just glorious.  And crowded too; I joke that when the weather gets nice you simply cannot be in a hurry if you are driving through that part of town. 

This was the first time at Milagro for all 3 of us.  And what do they say about first impressions…the ambiance is very nice and we were seated at a very generous sized booth.  Only when the server brought the menus did we notice a large area of the table had not been wiped clean.  Oops.  Later when our iced teas came my Mom’s glass was dirty.  Ew.  Thankfully they were very apologetic and fixed the problems quickly, but after that I was closely inspecting every piece of silverware and the dishes as we were served the whole rest of the lunch! Too funny.  The food was very good – we had a trio of salsas and chips for appetizers, and I had a wonderful chopped salad with carrots, corn, black beans, avocado and radishes…and a few other things that escape me right now.   Mom had a shrimp salad with apples and jicama and Dad chose the Enchiladas.  Delicious!

So I figured I need to stop denying myself indulgent things (within reason so I don’t break my budget) and just spend time getting more pampering.  Reserving time in my life to relax and recharge without guilt.  The massage was a huge, glaring reminder in neon letters that this is SO important to my well-being and feeling totally connected with my body.

Later in the afternoon I spent a little time shopping at Sur La Table – gosh we are so blessed to have this store in Kirkland!  I picked up some new kitchen hand soap and lotion (limoncello scented, yes!) and some tongs and a flexible trivet both in happy apple green.

And I topped off my pampering with a much-needed, overdue pedicure.  This was a total last-minute decision – I was so happy they had an opening!!  Now I can wear my open-toes shoes and sandals without cringing, well, for the next couple weeks or so.  Love it.

Summer hockey season starts tonight! I can’t WAIT to get back on the ice.  THIS is the best way to fight off good ol’ middle age…skate your ass off with a bunch of late 20-something (mostly) teammates.  Who I love like brothers.

Routine…shaken

05 Saturday May 2012

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And I’m not saying like in a James Bond-ish “shaken, not stirred” way.  I mean shook hard down to the CORE.  Shifts that are still internally shifting.  I don’t know where, when or how all the pieces are going to land and that’s OK.  I’m just enjoying the process as they float, flutter and spin all around me. 

Here it is Saturday and I’m blogging.  Typically the past nearly 3 years this has been a wonderful Sunday ritual for me (and hopefully also for the handful of you who tune in here regularly or stumble in here accidentally…thanks!!)   I’m sitting here typing and part of me mentally is in an “OK it’s Sunday” mode.  But I’m smiling inside knowing I have one more delicious day of the weekend to savor.  To replenish myself.  Refill my tanks.

I feel like a different person than when I last posted in here.  And hmmm…I might make more of those green onion “pancakes” I posted a couple of weeks ago come to think of it.

Other than a very small handful of mental vacations, I’ve posted in here like clockwork on Sundays.  It’s a wonderful ritual and I look forward to it.  It’s “me” time that I get to share with others, but I don’t write here like anyone will read it if that makes sense.  Just self-expression, musings and lately a few food recipes too.  Last weekend was jam-packed and I knew I would not be home until late Sunday evening.  I figured oh, no biggy, I’ll be home around 8 or 8:30pm and just do a quick blog post and get to sleep.  Obviously that didn’t happen.

Last Sunday I came home feeling on the brink of a transformation.  A shift…a…damn, I don’t even know how to describe it.  So I guess I’ll just explain what I did and what happened…and what has happened since.

I shook up my routine and went to a weekend-long transformational workshop.  I can’t tell you how so out of my element something like that is for me.  Two days, 10am to 7pm.  Two precious weekend days.  I giggled when I learned the time the workshops started.  True confession:  I’m barely even AWAKE at 10am on Saturdays and Sundays.  So to be in these workshops I’d have to be awake, showered, dressed, awake (yes, repeated intentionally) for a 40 minute drive to the workshop location.  I also don’t consider myself very “workshoppy.”  BUT, my dear friend T recommended it so strongly, so I knew it would be great.  And boy was it ever. 

The workshop is for women and is about understanding (and celebrating) men and their behavior.  Yep, ’tis true!  Now, many people have asked me what I learned and what it was like.  Details, please!  Honestly that is not what I’m going to write about in here.  I did take lots of notes and have them safely stashed on the laptop here.  But I don’t want to go on and on about the workshop content.  I truly think it would be a disservice writing about it in here.  First of all, I’ve just been exposed to the material and am just learning and applying it myself.  Also, the workshop experience is led by a seasoned instructor and includes several steps we as women needed to commit to doing before we could even proceed further in the workshop.  If we weren’t willing to, we’d be able to leave early and get a full refund on our tuition.  (No one did, by the way).  But I will share a couple nuggets that are really at the core and foundation of the workshop content:

What if men are responding to women?  And…when we as women get upset, confused or frustrated when men do something we don’t understand or don’t like, we need to ask ourselves…what if there’s a good reason for it?  Seeing things I’ve seen all my life now in a different perspective (an illumination really) is phenomenal. 

The workshop was such an incredible experience that I was emotionally drained (and filled too actually at the same time) when I got home Sunday night.  I celebrated and just went home giddy and tingling…full of so many “aha” moments as things popped and clicked for me over the weekend.  I met amazing women too.  Lots of great bonding and I hope to see them again at future workshops.  But I came home so exhausted too.  And I knew the week ahead would be a busy one.  Lots going on at work.  Was I ready to face the week?  Ready or not, it happened!

Monday: After work I went over to my parents’ house for dinner.  This is definitely not something I normally do on a Monday night.  But, they were heading out of town the next day and my Mom wanted to borrow one of my books to read on their trip.  And she wanted to see some of my new jewelry collection as well.  After dinner, Dad went to go watch TV and Mom and I played with jewelry.  I’d quickly put together a few trays of what I thought she might like the night before.  Keep in mind I represent a wonderful line of sterling silver jewelry.  And my Mom prefers gold.  So, I had to really think through what I would bring to show her.  I picked out pieces that have a lot of warmer-toned semi precious stones, brass and pearl detail.  I also showed her our latest charms and brought my (sterling silver) charm bracelet loaded up with charms and showed her how the bracelet can attach onto a matching charm necklace with a couple of double-lobster clasps.  I thought this would just be a random thing she might think was interesting or amusing and I also wanted to ‘practice’ doing this for my future jewelry parties with friends. 

What happened next blew my mind.  My Mom got so excited, left the room and returned with a small pouch.  Inside was a sterling silver charm bracelet she had not worn in decades.  She explained that she is at an age where she is not comfortable drawing attention to her hands.  She prefers necklaces over bracelets or attention-grabbing rings.  Now thanks to the charm necklace and the double-lobster clasps she can wear her vintage charm bracelet around her neck in a modern way…in a way that makes her happy and comfortable!  And THIS was the giant underscore/exclamation point on one thing we learn in our training as jewelry reps:  don’t ever pre-judge anyone when sharing more about the jewelry or the business opportunity to represent the jewelry.  And yet I had (subconsciously) pre-judged my own Mom!  I assumed that since she prefers gold jewelry she would have zero interest in a sterling silver necklace.  Boy was I mistaken!!

Tuesday:  What a small world!  My youngest brother is now the sales account manager for the company where I am currently consulting!  Meaning, the place where I work is a client of his!  He flew up here to come to the campus to get his access cardkey and laptop set up.  How joyful it was to see him, introduce him to my manager and co-workers and have lunch.  We are quite close despite being nearly 8 years apart and such different lives.  He got married right out of college and he and his wife have 3 kids under age 9…and I am single with no kids.  Boy, I adore my nephews and niece!  So it was wonderful reconnecting with my brother and seeing him discover where I work – his new client – for the first time.  Glorious.

And I came home after work and the damn laptop here was at a crawl pace.  I rebooted it several times and my Start menu was all jacked up.  Arrrghh!!  I figured I probably had a computer virus or some other nightmare.  After about an hour on the phone with the nice people at Dell (yep, I’m a hard-core PC gal…no Macs here) I had a new registry cleaner/virus protection program installed.  And got rid of the old one.  And it’s like I have a new laptop.  Amazing improved performance!!

Wednesday:  After another very hectic day at work I went to my co-worker K’s house for dinner.  We used to share a large office – she’s since moved to a different group at our company and I miss working with her immensely.  Over the past few months working together we became friends and discovered we both have a passion for cooking!  She made a wonderful dinner in her new tagine and I brought the wine!  I got to meet her 3 kids (her husband was out of town on business) and share a seat at their dinner table.  K has girlfriends over for dinner all the time while her husband is away.  It’s really important for her to show her kids that while she loves being a wife and being their Mom, she’s also a friend to many.  After dinner the kids went to do homework and K and I talked.  And “all of a sudden” it was 10:30pm.  I cherish those conversations immensely.

When I got home I realized I had not gone to my mailbox in a few days.  Voila…there was my NEW PASSPORT!!  Oh, the possibilities.  If I had been there when the postman delivered it I would have hugged him.

Thursday:  Yet another hectic day at work (do we detect a pattern here folks?) and afterwards I headed into the city to meet L (my guy BFF) at a sports bar to watch hockey.  Years ago when he and I had decided that we were better off as friends than dating we had gone to this place a couple of times.  What a trip coming back to this place after 6-7 years.  The last time he and I were here it was before the no-smoking regulation went into effect in bars in the state of Washington here.  I remember the smoke hanging 4 feet from the ceiling it was so thick.  A much more pleasant experience this time around with no smoke.  And, the Stanley Cup playoffs go on…and I have no team to cheer for.  When Vancouver and Pittsburgh (my two favorite teams) each got eliminated in the first round, I was stunned.  And with no “plan C” on my radar to cheer for because I didn’t think I’d need one so soon.  And I still don’t have one.  I never get tired of watching the playoffs but it’s weird not having a favorite picked out.  And I’m totally bummed that the Canucks are out.  I’d hoped with my new passport to drive up with L and catch a game at a Vancouver sports bar.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think they’d be out so soon.  New passport…alas, too late for this Canucks season.

Friday:  Ah, fabulous Friday.  My whole work team is head down buried in WORK.  We are a great team and work wonderfully well together – one of the healthiest groups I’ve had the pleasure to consult with ever – but boy we are feeling the burn. We’re tired.  I see it in everyone’s eyes.  Voices.  Mannerisms.  We will get through everything we need to and support one another.

So after this wonderful week I was so ready to just go home and CRASH.  And sleep for days and not give a shit.  I left work probably two hours later than I usually do.  And I figured the commute would not take too long given it was after peak time. 

About halfway home (I commute on mostly two-lane surface streets between two suburbs) I turned a corner and traffic was at a dead stop at a major intersection.  With a long, long line of cars just waiting.  What was going on?  The stoplight was out!  UGH.  I painfully crawled through two major intersections with no functioning stoplight.  I thought I was slowly dying.  I just wanted to get HOME!

I just am confounded at how much LIFE got crammed into this past week.  It was like a slingshot after that weekend workshop…my perspectives are shifting…everything is shifting.  New things happened BAM BAM BAM every evening this week.  THIS is what happens when you shake up your routine.

So what’s next?  I don’t know but whatever it is is going to be extraordinary.  And why am I blogging on Saturday?  Well, L and I had planned on doing more popcorn ceiling scraping here in the townhouse tomorrow.  But it turns out he has a lot of work and a deadline so we have to reschedule.  What will I do tomorrow instead?  Probably sleep…well not all day.

And next Wednesday I’m going to see The Hunger Games.  After work.  By myself.  THIS is another Shake in my routine.  And lots more to follow.

Sleeping in Anticipation

15 Sunday Apr 2012

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I seem to write a lot about sleeping in here.  Part of that is because my usual blogging day here, Sunday, is synonymous with SLEEP.  Sleeping in.  Glorious, glorious sleep.  Without a sound sleep I’m a wreck…well, usually I can get through on caffeine and adrenaline and fake it the next day, but the next night – WHAMMO.  Gotta get those zzzzs.   And weekends are essential to recharge.

When I was in college, the first class of the day was not calculus, art history or philosophy but choir my freshman, sophomore and junior years.  At 8am, sharp.  And I could have been up late studying or partying until 3am the night prior yet bounced out of bed no problem on just a few hours sleep, ready to sing!  What an incredible way to start the day.  Truly energized me.  And where in hell did I find all that energy to get through college life on 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night (or less)?  Oh – duh – I was 19.

Spring seems to finally be springing around here.  I can open the townhouse windows for some fresh air and not worry about freezing to death or rain coming in, and even went to work a couple of times last week without a coat.  Ooops, we had rain later in the afternoon but it didn’t matter.  Here in the Seattle area we don’t let a little rain ruin our day.

I met D for a walk yesterday…back to Juanita Bay Park in Kirkland for another look at the protected wetlands along Lake Washington like we did a few weeks ago.  The view of the lake shore from the boardwalk is endlessly fascinating…every time we visit something is different.  Yesterday it was clear spring had sprung – birds were chirping loudly all around us in the trees and turtles covered the logs floating just under the lake surface.  I felt the sun radiating down and through me and was glad I had plopped on a light running cap and some sunscreen before heading out.  A couple of hard-core photographers were out with their impressive cameras. Huge, long lenses on tripods all wrapped in camouflage fabric.  That’s when you know it’s good…even the pros are out!  We chatted briefly with them and they pointed out a bald eagle high up in a tree.  Wow my distance vision is not so great, but as I focused more I could see a white head far, far up.

We walked on, determined to get a good workout.  Time for some hills!  And the West of Market neighborhood in Kirkland delivers.  Along with some steep, winding hills you get major real estate eye candy.  Beautiful homes with fantastic views of the lake.  Most all of the older summer home cabins have long been torn down and replaced with modern homes, but there are still a couple of adorable holdouts.  This is the neighborhood where you can get wonderfully lost, almost in a dizzy, dreamlike state, just blocks from the anchor of Market Street.  I love it.

I went over to L’s last night to watch hockey and hang out.  Sausage hot dogs with the works, chips and a couple of beers with my guy BFF.  Love it.  And yes, L is a huge Chicago Blackhawks fan and the Stanley Cup Playoffs are under way.  So I had to be silly and annoying and arrive at his house in a Vancouver Canucks t-shirt. ‘Cause those are my boys!! The Vancouver/Chicago rivalry is just a few years old but rumbling up into something fierce.  And it just won’t be the playoffs without a Vancouver/Chicago matchup again this year.  It just won’t.  Last night it was Chicago and Phoenix.  Chicago won in OT.  This is gonna be an intense series alright!

So…anticipation.  I woke up today with a smile on my face and wondered.  Spring is coming…and there’s so much to look forward to.  Hockey – the Canucks gotta win it tonight in LA or they are going to be painfully behind in a best of 7 series.  Losing those first two games at home?  Pathetic, boys…play your game already!!  And even more hockey – I’ve got a late playoff game tonight in my own league.  Double elimination and we’ve already lost one.  So let’s bring it, team!! 

I thought about my job and how in a few weeks I’ll know for sure if my consulting engagement will be extended out further into the summer and early fall.  Right now I’m mobilizing, for officially I’m wrapping up end of June by design.  Keeping my network up to date and soon it will be time to refresh my resume.  This group has been one of the strongest and healthiest teams I’ve ever worked shoulder to shoulder with.  And if my time with them is winding down, well, the bar is set high and this will be a tough act to follow.  But so many new doors will open!

Later this month I’m going to attend a 2 day workshop on understanding men and their behavior.  My friend T raved about it and I can’t wait!  Stay tuned for more posts on that. 

I’m going to embark on a 5-day cleanse of sorts, with a pack of meal-replacement shakes, snack bars and vitamin supplements I purchased last month at a seminar my new friend M lead.  I have an extra pack of the meal-replacement mix (yummy French vanilla and gluten-free) and I’ve tried a few times mixing up a glass for a breakfast or lunch replacement.  But something in me has been reluctant to do the 5-day cleanse.  I think about all of the food recipes I’ve posted in here…can I do a 3 liquid meals a day for 5 days straight?  I love the textures and flavors of food.  This cleanse means 5 days of chocolate, strawberry and vanilla beverages in steady rotation.  And yet it’s only FIVE DAYS.  What am I waiting for?  In early 2010 I kicked a nasty, 25-year Diet Coke addiction cold turkey with zero problems.  So I can do this too, right?

Ahhh…I know what the blocker is.  I’m worried about my energy level.  M did comment that energy levels can temporarily drop with some people as their body resets with the low glycemic beverages.  I’m worried I’ll be lethargic and not able to skate my best for my team.  So there it is…I’ll start the cleanse after my own team’s playoffs are done.

And maybe it’s time to get back to regular exercising again.  Skating once a week does not do it.  D and I want to get out on walks more often and maybe that’s the motivation I need – doing this with a friend – to get me back in shape and feeling more like myself when I look in the mirror.  My body does respond well to regular, brisk walking.  And I’m in dire need of some new spring and summer clothes and would love to feel more comfortable shopping like I did when I was slimmer a few years ago.  The times when you know your size and you know it’s going to fit and look well.  Someday I’ll be back there again. 

I finally got my damn passport in the mail for renewal.  So funny how the procedures change decade to decade.  Don’t laugh, but I got new pictures taken 7 or 8 months ago.  MONTHS.  And I’ve either been too busy or too frustrated trying to find the forms to fill out.  I have to laugh at myself because I’m pretty resourceful finding things online.  Somehow the passport renewal was a stumper.  BUT I cracked the code, filled out the forms, mailed in my check and old passport and we’re on our way.

Nothing like a fresh, new passport to open a whole world (no pun intended) of anticipation.

Lost Hour, Gained Time

11 Sunday Mar 2012

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…and wouldn’t that be nice eh?  The gift of time is one of the most precious of all.  And here I sit on a glorious Sunday…quiet save for a little street noise.  And yet I glance at the clock and grumble.  I so fucking hate Daylight Savings Time I don’t even know where to begin.  And I’ve probably bitched about it in last year’s posts.

No, wait – I haven’t.  Or maybe I mentioned it briefly somewhere last year or even in my posts from March 2010.  Hmmm, go take a peek and see for yourselves.  Dang…Marches have been tough the past two years – a whole lot of memories come flooding back as I glance through those old posts.  Ahhh, I do see a DST rant in a March 2011 post.  At least I’m consistent.

Why am I so anti-DST?  Well, I’m a terrible morning person.  So when we do this Spring Forward thingy and move our clocks an hour ahead, it takes me a good week or so to adjust.  I feel like I’m constantly running late – running behind.  Exhausting, especially for someone like me who tries to be pretty punctual. And yet when I travel and do time zone changes, it doesn’t bother me one bit (well, overseas travel takes a day or two to adjust but that’s expected).  And I snap out of hating mornings.  I’m somewhere new and different and don’t want to just sleep the day away!

I’ve been stressed out the past few weeks – work, HOA stuff, the popcorn ceiling scraping project and on and on.  I finally admitted to myself that while my townhouse isn’t super duper neat and clean, at least when I make a mess it’s MY mess.  Now I’m in a state of transition, as L and I slowly progress through the popcorn ceiling scraping project.  My rooms are rearranged and oddly cluttered.  And it’s disruptive.  Messy.  As I’ve posted before, I now totally get why people move out during home renovations whenever possible. 

So I was mentally gearing up for another round of ceiling scraping with L this weekend.  The plan was that he was going to come over to my place Friday afternoon, work from there, crash on my couch and then we’d start work first thing in the morning.  This is what we’ve done before and it’s worked out really well.  We hadn’t done any work the past few weeks given our schedules and I was looking forward to getting back to it.

Those of you who regularly tune in here know that work has been stressful.  I come home at night mentally fried and it takes me awhile to unwind and untangle my knotted forehead.  While it’s the “good” kind of stress (mostly) that motivates me, it still takes a toll.  I had a big smile moment on Friday when my Manager asked me if I planned to take off any time for vacation in July.  And I giggled and said well, you know, this really could be a moot conversation!  My work assignment is slated to wrap up end of June, by design.  So while I’m not getting my hopes up – things like budgets need to be approved and all – I take it as a teeny good sign that my engagement could be extended out a few more months.

I trekked into downtown Seattle after work to toast a friend’s birthday.  Happy Hour at PNK Ultra Lounge.  It was wonderful seeing friends again and a nice change of scenery getting out of suburbia and into the city – something I achingly long for.  More city time.  Sometimes this girl in the suburbs feels a little out of place.  That’s probably more fodder for another post!

I had told L I had a great idea for a slow cooker recipe for Saturday and he seemed all for it.  I had a shopping list somewhere deep in my purse and knew I needed to grab groceries when I got home.  But when I got closer to my house I had to pee so bad I couldn’t just go right to the store.  I got home, gave L a big hug and just unwound for a few minutes.  The hot UPS man had delivered more new Silpada jewelry samples and I couldn’t wait to unpack them all and play!

L was hungry and so I grabbed a pizza along with the stuff for cooking tomorrow morning.  I was going to make a Bolognese sauce in the slow cooker and then bake it over some sliced polenta and a little parmesan cheese.  GREAT comfort food.

I got back home again, unpacked the groceries and realized I needed to go upstairs and do a little more work on the home laptop here.  Which was completely misbehaving and running super slow.  I couldn’t launch what I needed to and had to reboot the laptop several times.  I felt guilty for being upstairs and not spending time with L, watching TV together.  Finally (FINALLY) I got my additional stuff done.  It was probably 9:30 by now and I was not in a happy mood.

I went downstairs and unpacked a few more jewelry samples.  Just kind of shuffled the little boxes around, trying to get my mood stabilized and happier.  L and I talked about the plan for Saturday and got caught up on the latest Californication episodes.  I gotta admit, this series is growing on me – it’s been out for a few years but I didn’t have Showtime until just recently.  (But the Charlie character will always be Harry Goldenblatt to me – just saying).

Around 11 we were both tired.  I went upstairs to sleep.  When I woke up Saturday morning, it seemed really quiet downstairs.  I went downstairs and L (and the dog) were gone.  So was his car.  I figured he went out to get coffee but then I found a note by my phone.  Said he wasn’t feeling well and went home – didn’t want to wake me up. 

NOT happy here.  I’d slept off my weeklong stress and was psyched to get to work and tackle more of this project with him.  Now, I felt flaked out on and, frankly, taken advantage of.  Here was someone I let hang out in my house all day and left before doing the work he promised he’d help me with. ERRRGHHH!!  We texted and he told me he wasn’t feeling well and that I seemed cranky.  Hmmm, probably not a good combination.  Then we chatted on the phone for a bit.  We’re definitely going to reschedule – we just haven’t confirmed when.

So once again I sat in my living room and had a moment.  What the hell is going on here?   Am I REALLY that much of a cranky bitch that people don’t want to be around me? How did I go from happy person enjoying a night out with friends to coming home and feeling overwhelmed again at home?  On the other hand, L knows what he’s getting into when he stays at my place.  We are not dating and the vibe is totally different when it’s a platonic, male friendship vs. something romantic, obviously.  It’s kind of like having a part-time roommate.

And then I wondered: is there a technology conflict between my internet service and his?  He uses a portable, wireless service when he comes over here to work.  Does that conflict with mine?  Hey, if anyone out there has any theories let me know.  Or is it just a coincidence that every time he’s here and working and I fire up my laptop my speeds are down to a crawl?

And then I wondered more:  why am I taking him leaving so goddamn personally?  He’s not feeling well.  End of story.  And if someone is sick they should be home resting and not spreading germs around.  I remembered to stop, breathe and remember The Four Agreements.  One of which is Don’t Take Things Personally.  Yep, that’s my uber challenging one – a lifelong lesson for sure.  Once again, I let someone push my buttons.  Sensitive buttons.  

So now I breathed again…this is a gift of time!  Let’s be positive here! Gosh, what can I do on a now freed-up Saturday?  Well, I connected.  I got caught up with two friends over the phone and later went to a nearby craft store to check out jewelry display trays.  Normally craft stores make me mental – I have little patience for crafts – but a little browsing and shopping (candles and ocean-scented potpourri) was just what I needed to reset. 

Now I’m just enjoying the afternoon and may grab a nap before hockey tonight.  Yep, the ground beef went into the freezer – I’ll save the Bolognese sauce cooking for another time…just like the home projects.

The Ugly Crescendo

27 Monday Feb 2012

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I felt like something ugly and draining snuck up and tried swallowing me whole this week.   And by the time I realized it was happening it was too late.  Call me One Big Trainwreck.  Stuck in quicksand.

This past week was midwinter break for a lot of families.  And while the company I work for does not observe the President’s Day holiday, many people take that day off anyways because the kids are off from school.

Burdened, alone and sometimes overwhelmed.  Those were some of the things I felt last week trying to get through work and covering for others.  I am always honored when my manager or another co-worker asks if I (a consultant who is not a permanent part of the team) wouldn’t mind being their backup contact while they are away, should others in the office need something urgent.  It feels good to be needed.  But I don’t like feeling alone.  I like having people around me, which is part of the reason I don’t like working from home.  I enjoy the constant interaction.  So when hardly anyone is around in the office it’s eerie.  And while I can handle just about anything that comes my way and speak on others’ behalfs while they’re out (mostly), it is draining.  I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  And it gets really heavy sometimes. 

Perhaps I am even a teensy bit envious of those who get paid vacation time.  As a consultant I am only paid for hours I work, and typically my work engagements are a year or less in length.  So it is not always a good idea to schedule a leisurely vacation.  It might be during a crucial point in a project – a major milestone.  And I may still be processing the last residue of pain from my unemployed stretch a couple of years ago.  Meaning, don’t bitch about work.  Just DON’T.  And WORK, fivenineteen, WORK.  It is a privilege to work, not a right.

Jealousy be damned.  I am not a jealous type, so when it does leak into my being like it admittedly did thinking of everyone enjoying their vacations, it catches me off guard.  Sneaky bitch.

So while I am the queen of to-do lists, the big stuff didn’t get done this past week like I had hoped.   I mistakenly assumed that I would have a lot of catch up time on my hands in the office to tackle some more high-level, strategic work that’s needed attention.  But that was not the case at all.  Lots of Littles popped up.  Unexpected situations that needed attention.  Nothing too difficult to fix, but still time consuming.  And sometimes exhausting.

I think by Wednesday I was feeling a little ‘off.’  Hard to describe but I felt weighed down physically and mentally.  A little jittery, even without coffee.

L texted me sometime Tuesday or Wednesday asking if he could crash at my house Thursday night.  He has client meetings near my house sometimes and lives a ways from here and has done this on a couple of other occasions, on nights we’re not doing any of that popcorn ceiling scraping.  One time it was because there was a gas leak in the house he rents and he needed to stay elsewhere while the leak was being contained.

L is a wonderful friend for sure.  But it’s a very different dynamic having a guy over at my house just hanging out who truly is a great friend and nothing more.  I’m learning this very quickly. He just crashes on my couch and either leaves early in the morning to beat traffic or stays to get some work done at my house and leaves a little later and locks up.  On Thursday, the night he wanted to come crash at my place, I had dinner plans with a girlfriend and told him I won’t be home until late but would leave a house key hidden for him. 

Little did I know how the world would all come crashing down around me that Thursday.  Held off briefly by some incredible sushi and a couple glasses of wine with my dear friend T at Izumi.  Hands down the best sushi in the Seattle suburbs.  Mouth watering and spectacular, with a very charming sushi chef at the sushi bar who is a great conversationalist.  I could subsist on sushi there every day, even though it would be a little hard on my wallet. 

My mind started to wander during dinner and I felt preoccupied and restless.  Here I was having a fun night out with a wonderful friend and I was having some sort of anxiety thingy wash over me.  I knew when I got home that L and his friend’s dog would be there.  And I felt like that was going to be an invasion of my space that night, even though I’d told him a day or two prior it would be OK.  It was starting to feel like it wasn’t going to be.  And why was I feeling this way?  What’s the big deal?  IS it a big deal or is it kind of weird when a male friend wants to just randomly crash at your place occasionally?  I don’t know about you but I’ve never had a platonic friendship with a (straight) guy that went to that level.  And come to think of it neither with a gay guy friend either.  Why was I letting this upset me so much?  And oh yeah, once I got home I needed to start filling out some paperwork that an escrow agent sent for a neighbor who is selling his townhouse.  Stuff like that you cannot delay, and we’re a small, self-run HOA…and….and…And ahhhh, there I went.  Questioning my feelings and getting overwhelmed all at once.  Let the downward spiral begin.

Have you ever been so tired that you couldn’t relax and fall asleep?  I got home and L was chilling out watching TV with the dog.  My head hurt.  So much for great sushi, two glasses of wine and great friendship.  It all went *poof* once I got home.  For I knew I needed to get upstairs, fire up this somewhat creaky of a laptop (6 years old and showing its age; that’s another post for another time) and crack open the documentation the escrow agent needed filled out.

Of all times for my laptop here to act up.  I had a devil of a time getting applications to stay open without hanging, and trying to edit the .pdf that they sent us.  Why realtors and escrow agents use Acrobat Reader for their documentation – that needs editing – instead of something like Microsoft Word is beyond me.  Pain in the ASS.

I felt bad for neglecting L and went downstairs periodically to see how he was doing.  My eyebrows were feeling tightly knitted together and my whole body felt clenched up and tense.  He seemed fine, but that didn’t help me relax any further.  Just seemed like a lost cause.

By 11pm I was a wreck.  I’d done all I could on the documentation, sent it to our HOA treasurer for him to finish and decided to crawl into bed.  Hugged L goodnight and went upstairs to sleep. 

What happened next was surreal.  Keep in mind I am typically a very sound sleeper, so when I get clonked with a dose of insomnia, I freak out.  Which only makes it worse I’m sure.  I thought I had been sleeping but turns out it was just some tossing and turning and dozing.  Around 1:30 am I realized what it was.  L had gone to sleep with his iPad on with ESPN news feeds or something.  And the sound actually carried very well upstairs to my bedroom.  I thought I was losing my mind as I crawled out of bed and drifted downstairs.  L was blissfully asleep, snoring steadily.  After a few attempts to wake him he woke up, apologized and turned off the iPad.  Ahhh, finally.  I think I tried going back to sleep again but then realized I was too wound up despite being so tired.  I went downstairs yet again to grab a glass of water. 

And I sat on my living room floor and just sobbed.  And sobbed.  “I’m such a fucking MESS,” I blurted out.  What is WRONG with me?  Poor L was half asleep and groggy.  He mumbled “I’m sorry, ” and went back to sleep.

I went upstairs.  NOW what do I do?  Do I read a book?  Take a bubble bath?  I don’t have sleeping pills in my house because I don’t need them.  And I am a pharmaceutical whimp.  Even “non drowsy” allergy medicine gives me a super bad buzz.

I probably went to sleep – sort of – around 5am.  I probably cried a bit too because when I had to get up for work my eyes were all puffy.  Yeah, going to work with 2-3 hours sleep at the most.  Ugh. That was when I actually felt glad most of my co-workers were out of the office.

Somehow I made it through the day – hats off to coffee and adrenaline.  But by mid afternoon my vision was blurred and I knew I needed to finish up a few reports and head home.  To crash. Hard.

I felt ANGRY most of the weekend.  Angry for letting myself get all wound up and freaked out over things that really aren’t a big deal.  Questioning my emotions.  A (thankfully) rare night of insomnia that took 2 days to recover from.  And thinking ahead of how much more work there is to do with the townhouse improvements.  Tons more popcorn ceiling scraping upstairs and down, then sanding/priming, and repainting a few other bedroom walls.  How long is my townhouse going to be in a state of semi-wreck meanwhile?  And why the hell am I having a mini breakdown over things that aren’t really a big deal?  What is WRONG?  Why can’t I be one of those easy-breezy, laid back types who don’t let anything bother them? 

Well, it turns out the Universe always brings us what we need.  What I needed to bust out of this funk was a heavy dose of HOCKEY.  And that came served up hot and fresh on Sunday. 

I have not played two games in one day in years but this was exactly what I needed apparently.  I skated mid afternoon in a charity game benefitting the Seattle Ronald McDonald House.  The annual Hockey Challenge, in its 14th year has raised over $4 million dollars for the local house here and for this we could not be prouder.  It is a privilege and honor to skate in support of the House and I relished every moment today.

Later that night it was my regular league game.  Yeah, both games were losses tonight but only by what the scoreboards said.  It felt amazing to get out there and skate.  For when I’m on the ice, nothing else matters.  I have no mental room to multi-task and worry about anything else than what I am doing on the ice at that particular moment.  And you know what?

THAT is relaxing.  I should sleep very well.

“…of course we’ll stay in touch…”

19 Sunday Feb 2012

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The year was 1991.  I was 24, still shedding that college-esque mentality and trying to get my foothold into some sort of what I sort of thought was a career…of sorts.  Fumbling my way into adulthood.  I remember leaving my first job fresh out of college after being there just shy of two years.  My first time realizing that a job was not my life…and that the job I had at the time – well, the company rather – was going downhill and fast.  Little did I know I was a firsthand witness to the end of late 1980s gluttony, for real.  And when you work in an office with just six people you know more than you probably ever cared to know about them, their lives, family dramas, and on and on.  As a wide-eyed college graduate I soaked it all in intensely.  Was THIS how it was going to be the rest of my working career?  I was *just* getting used to the idea that going to work every day was not some make believe dress-up-in-skirt-and-heels-and-pantyhose type of gig.  This was earning a living.

I pulled the plug on that job in a cushy office in downtown Seattle we had no business occupying given the, well, the lack of business we were bringing in once our large cash cow account started drying up.  And I took up a new position with a freight forwarding company as a coordinator in their import department.  Yep, I answered an ad in the newspaper via snail mail and all.  I don’t even remember if I had an inside referral or not.  Memories fade.

But what I won’t forget is the environment shock.  Going from an overly-glamorous office on the 67th floor of what was then known as the Columbia Center in downtown Seattle with a 270-degree view to die for, to a cracker box of a one-story office down near Sea-Tac airport directly under a flight path.  Or so it sounded, as the building rattled every time a plane took off and landed.  (After awhile I got used to it – probably kind of like when you live near railroad tracks).  And my bus pass became useless, for I had to now commute by car down the (old) viaduct everyday and over the (old) 1st Avenue South bridge over the Duwamish River, which was often a white-knuckled experience – a narrow, two-lane bridge which was not good for one’s blood pressure on dark, rainy mornings with a large semi coming at you in the opposite direction.  Yep, it was a reverse commute through the gritty, industrial parts of Seattle. Which was what this job was all about….no nonsense freight forwarding.  This company was travel agents for cargo – air freight, ocean freight, domestic and international both…you name it.  My job was to process paperwork that endlessly spilled onto my desk in thick envelopes from a courier or through the never ending fax machine whirr, contact the recipient named on the documentation and pitch our additional services for US customs clearance, warehousing and delivery to wherever the freight was supposed to end up.  Sometimes it was recurring business, like the one-hour photo processing equipment we regularly imported from Switzerland and Italy.  Sometimes it was boutique soaps from Europe or a 40-foot ocean container full of beer from Tasmania.  Or someone’s items for a trade show.  Or lighting samples for what was then a fledgling store concept called Home Depot. 

Or ad hoc things like a wooden statue from Thailand, which was apparently a trojan horse of sorts for drugs unbeknownst to innocent me.  Oh yeah, it’s not fun being six weeks into a new job and having two plain clothes detectives come barging into your place of work, demanding to speak to “fivenineteen” – using my full name.  How in hell did they figure out *I* was the one in that import desk position for this company?  Guess that’s why they’re detectives. Anyway, after being questioned at length (thank goodness our branch manager was present to back me up), they realized I had nothing to do with whatever “it” was.  Instead, I got to be a part of the stake out to bust the alleged smugglers. 

When the recipient of the statue came to our office to pay for the air freight charges and customs clearance services (around $400 if I recall), he whipped out a stack of C-notes like I would whip out Ones.  Actually his stack of C-Notes was probably much thicker than that.  He whipped out a few, put them in an envelope and thanked me.  Beyond that I have no idea what happened, other than I did get a quick drive by “thank you” from the detectives afterwards.  I remember counting the money after the guy left and realizing he’d left me an extra $100 bill, probably as a tip – who knows.  I felt dirty and gave it to our branch manager, who promptly put it into our party slush fund.

You know, I could never have gotten through this and so many other bizarre and hilarious scenarios if it wasn’t for J.  I think I’ve mentioned Js in other posts, so I’ll go with JL here so we don’t mix them up.

JL literally took me under her wing.  She was about ten years my senior and already well-seasoned in the freight forwarding industry, having taken up a part-time job with DHL while she was still in high school.  And speaking of high schools, she was actually a student of my Grandmother’s while at Mount Ranier High School in Des Moines, WA.  Talk about small worlds!!  She remembered my Grandmother vividly – a tough, firm teacher for sure – passionate about her students and her craft!  (My Grandmother – age 95, turning 96 this summer – taught Home Economics for a few years after my Dad and Uncle were out of the house as adults).

JL taught me so much about the freight forwarding industry – and about work ethic in general.  Coming from a small company who was starting to see business decline, my perspective of a fast-paced office was extremely shifted to the slow end of the spectrum.  It was a shock to suddenly be surrounded and swamped by constant phone ringing (we had no receptionist so we all had to take turns answering the phone and routing calls/paging people) and that ever-persistent fax machine spewing.  Neat freaks needed not apply – our desks were always stacked high with paperwork, files, post its, and thank goodness for those vertical file folder holders. 

I probably smoked a few packs of cigarettes secondhand along the way too.  JL and I were two of the few non-smokers at that company.  People were constantly either outside or in our warehouse taking smoke breaks.  This was the subject of constant internal office bickering too…smokers vs non-smokers; I remember JL taking a quick sanity break to walk outside to blow off steam one afternoon, and our manager questioning her what she was doing away from her desk. “I’m taking a SMOKE BREAK,” she snapped sarcastically.  Right on. 

So between the phone ringing off the hook (remember this was the pre-email era), typewriters, the fax machine and our stacks of US Customs-required carbon paper in triplicate, I learned a lot from JL.  Most importantly, how to multi-task.  I would listen to how she smoothed over tough situations over the phone with anyone from customers to air cargo agents, warehouse workers and truck drivers.  And I remember telling her one afternoon, “Wow, JL….YOU GIVE GOOD PHONE!”  And we laughed.

Ironically, JL and I each resigned from that company within mere weeks of one another.  Three years was enough for me.  I’d accepted a new job offer from a company that was an offshoot of my very first job right out of college.  With a 30% salary bump to boot. 

How many of you have told your co-workers, oh sure, would love to keep in touch, after either one of you moves onward?  Nowadays thanks to LinkedIn and Facebook it’s relatively easy to do so, but it still takes work. 

JL and I left that company in 1994.  And, after about a decade gap (with one baby boy born in between – JL’s son, now age 4), we got together at her house yesterday.  She and I have chatted on the phone on and off over the years – wonderful phone conversations that go on for two hours without either of us realizing it.  But yesterday finally was The Day.

Now, before I forget, JL was also my partner in crime for not one but TWO Caribbean cruises.  1997 and 2000 respectively.  Talk about keeping in touch…she and I have actually traveled together, gloriously!

I really hope it hasn’t been since 2002 since I’ve seen JL but that actually might be true.  That was the year she and her now-husband bought their home in West Seattle (and I bought my townhouse later that same year too).  I remember their housewarming party…a wonderful barbecue with tons of people and laughter, and the oohs and ahhs admiring their view.  Fast forward to 2012 and I hit the road with a smile on my face off to visit JL and meet her son for the first time!

We’d planned on going for a long walk around the neighborhood but it was really windy and blustery out.  I smiled as I drove back out to West Seattle.  I’ve blogged about this neighborhood before…the family roots are deep for my grandfather, Dad, Uncle (and Aunt, my Uncle’s high school sweetheart to this day) all graduated from West Seattle High School. 

And the picture in today’s post is the view from JL and her husband’s house.  We’re looking directly at Blake Island.  You can just see a few white caps on the Sound (if you squint; I took this with my camera phone). When it’s clear out the Olympic Mountains frame the horizon.  And, the Vashon Island Ferry goes back and forth.  It’s just glorious.

I smiled as I got nearer to JL’s house.  It was all coming back to me now.  A decade since my last visit?  The years melted away.  As I walked up the steps to their front door I saw a giggly, smiling little boy grinning at me in the window.  Wow.  JL’s become a wife and mother (at 50-something!) in the two decades plus since I first met her. 

She’s truly one of those great friends where we can just pick up where we left off.  A few hours visit just whizzed by.  She had to get back into the office for some additional work, but we sure enjoyed some great hot tea, conversation and laughs in the meantime.  She showed me a framed picture she still has of us on our first cruise back in 1997.  A smiling picture of us enjoying ourselves in St. Maarten.  I almost burst into tears.  WOW that was a great trip.  And so long ago.

Reflecting and Looking Forward

01 Sunday Jan 2012

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Wow…how fun that my typical blogging day – Sunday – is New Years Day!  What sprang from unemployment, boredom, frustration and a lifelong passion for writing is now over two years strong – this September ol’ fivenineteen here will be 3.  THREE!   This will likely be the most productive thing I do all day.  Oh, and taking the Christmas tree down too.  Thankfully it’s a 4 foot artificial tree.  Easy to pull apart and pack up until next time.

I remember as a kid I didn’t really “believe” it was the New Year until I saw it in writing.  Which meant seeing the new year in print on the newspaper the next morning.  There still is a part of me that feels that way…although now it’s the date readout on my cell phone, my home landline phone or even the little clock on the corner of the laptop screen here.  Yep, it’s Sunday January 1, 2012.  Wow.

It’s only natural to reflect back on the year that Was…2011 started off with a bang.  Literally.  My family said goodbye way too soon to a family member – my cousin’s ex wife – at age 41.  And a new relationship…intense, yes, which flamed out quickly.  And, admittedly, took me awhile to process.  Thanks to time and some newly-discovered wisdom shared with me by my dear friend T, it’s all so clear to me now.  And so great to just Let It All Go.

My health took a nosedive in late winter/early spring last year.  Enough to where any plans to hit the gym and train for the year’s 5Ks went out the window.  We had Typhoid Mary run rampant in that team’s cubicle farm.  I coughed for two months straight.  Here’s a tall glass of water in a plastic tumbler toast to a MUCH healthier 2012…with 5Ks to boot!  Hmmm, I might steer clear of the gym for a few weeks and try getting outside to exercise.  Such a cliche…it’s jam packed in January – too hard to get a free treadmill!

I’m optimistic and hopeful about the economy and my job.  Save for a two-week break last year between engagements, I was employed all of 2011!!  WHAT a relief after the mess of late 2009 and first half of 2010.  We HAVE to pull out of this drudgery that is a recession/depression/whatever it is.  It sucks and I have good friends still feeling the burn. 

My confidence in my Silpada jewelry business only continues to grow and grow…every conversation, every party, every question about my jewelry and what I’m doing only fuels me that I can really DO this, have fun, and make a surprisingly great commission on the side!  Just by “selling” a product I’ve loved for years!  (I use “selling” in quotes because it does not really feel like selling at all in the traditional sense.)  Just sharing info with people!  I meet up regularly with other local reps and the friendships that have grown from them are simply fabulous.  Incredible women. 

And what a great crescendo on the last part of 2011 when the consulting work I did for free back in 2010 popped into some extra paying work for a couple of months in late 2011!  That project is on hold right now, but there is a very strong chance we’ll resume work again with the client later this year. Fascinating…and who knows where it could lead?  I will be at my current full-time job through late June this year and I know it will go fast.  And believe me, I know how to network.  If I could stay on longer with this team through June I would leap at the opportunity.  But since I do consulting engagements, that’s not part of the deal usually.  Budget cycles and all mean consultants come and go.  Nothing personal.

I feel truly happy and blessed…big smiles as I welcome 2012 and look outside into the sunshine.  Time to get outside for a walk!

Always Do Your Best

26 Monday Dec 2011

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When I read or hear those words in the title above I get childhood flashbacks.  I can hear my first or second grade teacher tell this repeatedly to us in class as we worked on whatever assignment she gave us.  Or my parents telling me the very same thing whether it was in ballet class, that paper mache project, Easter egg dyeing or learning to ride a bike without training wheels.  Over and over.

But it’s also the 4th agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements.  Ah.  A few weeks back I made a commitment to read one chapter a week and blog about it.  And I’m just a couple weeks behind given another book which distracted me profoundly and a quick mental vacay on my typical blogging day Sunday last week.  But it’s all good.  Now I am realizing this is probably my last post of 2011.  Where does the time go?

OK, focus.  Ruiz sums up this chapter like this:  “Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.”

See what I mean about words that are so simple and so profound?  I’ve probably made that comment ten million times in each post about these Agreements.  Don’t plan on this book being a quick read if you really want to get the most out of it.  You’ll want to re-read each chapter several times.

And the beauty of this chapter is that this 4th agreement points back to the other 3.  Always Do Your Best to…1. Be Impeccable with your Word; 2. Don’t Take Things Personally; and 3. Don’t Make Assumptions.

Ruiz goes on to explain how much “doing our best” will vary.  When we’re relaxed and refreshed our best is going to be better than when we’re tired.  It will be different when we are happy as opposed to upset.  And, as we continue to incorporate the 4 Agreements into our lives, our best will become better than it used to be.  

If we do our best we won’t judge ourselves.  We won’t punish ourselves.  Ahhh…how freeing is this!!  Especially someone like me who inherited a big ol’ Perfectionism gene.  If it couldn’t be perfect – whatever it was – it (or rather, I) sucked.  I beat myself up.  Or I’d get so overwhelmed I’d procrastinate or even worse not do something at all.  What an ugly downward spiral!

It’s taken years for me to wrestle and fight off that unreasonable, unrealistic quirk that’s so deep in my DNA.  Probably a little over ten years ago when I first started seeing a therapist was this pointed out to me.  HUH?  Well, she was right.  

My new, more modern, personal mantra?  “Excellence, not perfection.”  And I guess that’s similar to this 4th Agreement in a way.  These words resonate deep in my bones whether I’m focusing on a work project, getting ready to hit the ice and play hockey or continue to grow my Silpada jewelry business.  And every other area of my life too.

Ruiz explains more:  “When you do your best, you take action.  Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward.”  He goes on to explain the cliche of a worker.  A worker who only works because he/she is expecting the reward – the paycheck.  They work hard the whole week, suffering the actions.  They have to work to pay the rent, to support their family…and when they do get their paycheck they are unhappy.  There’s only a couple days to rest (aka the weekend) and they then try to escape by getting drunk or what have you.

If we take action just for the sake of doing something without expecting a reward, we will enjoy every action we do.  If we like what we do, if we always do our best, we are really, truly enjoying life.  We have fun, we don’t get bored and we don’t have frustrations.  Man, sign me up!

What about when life takes away something from us?  Ruiz explains – “…let it go.  When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment…if you live in a past dream, you don’t enjoy what is happening right now, because you will always wish it to be different than it is.  There is no time to miss anyone or anything because you are alive.  Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive.  This leads to self-pity, suffering and tears.”

Practice makes the master.  Ruiz reminds us that we didn’t learn to speak, read, write or ride a bike right out of the box.  We had to practice, practice, practice!  And not judge ourselves when we fall.  If we break one of the Agreements, we tell ourselves OK, we’ll start over again tomorrow and try again.  It will be challenging at first, but as we practice we will get better and better at honoring all four.  Stay in the moment and do not worry about the future.

See why this book is going to be a perma-fixture on my bedside table for awhile?  It’s powerful stuff.  Life transforming.

After reading this book I now feel like I have a new, freshly-sharpened set of tools ready to make 2012 an even better year than this one was!  

Today is December 26, 2011.  It’s the beginning of A New Dream.