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Tag Archives: kindness

Come Meet My Soul – the Journey, Part 4 of 4

16 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by fivenineteen in Uncategorized

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calm, celebration, choices, exercise, joy, kindness, love, passion, peace, silence, warmth, workshop

I have to laugh a little at myself because it seems whenever I try to do a ‘mini series’ of themed posts in here I lose my weekly blogging pace.  Exhibit A:  my review of the Four Agreements book last year.  Normally this glorious Sunday blogging ritual is something I look forward to…waking up with a smile after sleeping in a bit.  Sitting down at the keyboard either totally ready and knowing what I’m going to blog about…or with zero idea and just seeing what happens when I type.  I love both scenarios actually!  There’s no need for a safety net in here.  Last weekend was recovery from mental exhaustion, and I just needed to truly chill and not do much of anything except get in the gym and enjoy some downtime and cooking. 

So, it’s good to be back here after an unexpected vacay.  It’s a steely-grey, damp Sunday morning.  Silence save for a few occasional cars out on the main road.  Funny how I can tell what the weather is like before I even look out my window every morning.  The cars sound totally different on wet asphalt vs dry.

Back in mid November I started this 4-part “come meet my soul” mini series.  Joy.  Passion.  Kindness.  Today’s theme is PEACE.

How wonderfully fitting that this peace post falls right smack in the holiday season.  It’s what we all wish for and pray for.  Sometimes it’s a hard struggle out there to imagine a world with peace.  This horrific school shooting in Connecticut late last week makes me want to cry and throw up all at the same time.  I teared up when I saw my cousin’s Facebook post that “….more parents have lost their children today.”  Those words were a kick in the stomach.  My cousin and her husband lost their son in a drowning accident in 2004.  On Father’s Day of all days.  He would have turned 10 this year.  And I saw a list of the shooting victims and their birth dates.  Children born in 2006 (2006) lost their lives.  I just don’t have any words for this.

I don’t know if we’ll ever get to a state of world peace.  But I think however we get there it’s a personal responsibility…it starts with each of us as individuals.  Every day.  What choices do we make from what life puts before us each day?  Do we go through the motions unconsciously, or perhaps with a state of anger?  Or of calm?  Of happiness?  With a hunger to change things for the better?  And how?

I’m told I have a calm, grounded presence in times of stress…and to me that is peace personified.  Honestly I am much better at ‘holding’ that stance at work rather than outside of work.  But again, I’m human.  Sometimes I get jittery and rattled when my confidence is challenged.  I think we all do though.  I’m trying to continue to practice breathing through problems…and asking for help and support when I need it. Being vulnerable when I need to be – and it’s OK.  This is far easier to do when I’m feeling – well – at peace.  Rested, fed, getting enough exercise…all the basics that fuel the best Me.  If I’m tired, cranky or had a tough day at work I’ve got very little left in my reserves to deal with much more.  Lately that’s how it’s been.  Man, actually for the last month work has been nutso.  Normally this time of year is the slow winding down before the holidays.  This year it’s been nothing but madness.  But madness in a good way.  This team continues to blow me away with how collaborative and helpful and respectful we are to one another while fighting the fiercest of fires.  It’s a true ensemble cast without backstabbing or finger-pointing or not saying ‘that’s not my job,’ when we all need to put other priorities aside and focus on fixing the most burning ones.  When this work engagement wraps up for me next month (by design), they’re going to be a tough act to follow.

So peace to me means being calm.  Bringing a state of serenity and grace to those around me.  Which in turn brings warmth…and love.

And this weekend has been a glorious self-refueling to get back to that center of peace.  Sleep.  Exercise. Excitement…I finally broke the 30 minute barrier in my 5000m rowing machine sessions – hit 29:26 – woohoo!  And celebrating by making a pot of hot and sour soup from scratch…topped with fresh crabmeat!  Getting the Christmas tree decorated and figuring out what last-minute shopping I still need to do and vowing not to be in the mall on Christmas Eve like I was last year, eesh.  I love weekends where there’s a list of stuff to do but no rush to do them.  This is the time I need to mentally reset.  I have 3 social evening events in the city this week and need to figure out how to make more hours in the day, ha ha!  Work is still going to be intense with longer hours required of all of us. 

So today is a day of recharging and refreshing.  Gearing up for a whirlwind, glorious week ahead.  Book club at a wine cafe.  A concert at Benaroya Hall – what a treasured jewel right smack in the heart of downtown Seattle.  And a major birthday celebration for a wonderful friend of mine to cap off the week in style.  I simply can’t wait!

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Come Meet My Soul – the Journey, part 3

02 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by fivenineteen in Uncategorized

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communication, joy, kindness, passion, qualities, queen, relationships, workshop

This is the 3rd of a 4-part series of posts to explore more about the 4 qualities that really are truly, uniquely me.  Last week’s post was all about PASSION…the fuel, fire, enthusiasm and zest for life and whatever I happen to be doing at the moment…or thinking about doing!

Now we’re at KINDNESS.  And I thought, well, why not check the dictionary – I think I know what it means, but what does it mean?  The word ‘kind’ means “of a sympathetic or helpful nature.”  And kindness is “the quality or state of being kind.” 

I remember when this word ‘popped’ for me in this part of our workshop exercise.  I had a mini freak-out moment.  Well, not really, but my stomach flipped a little.  But then I took a deep breath…and I knew it popped for a reason.  Yes, this is truly one of my 4 noble qualities.  This IS one of 4 things that fuels me and that I have boundless, endless amounts of – to share with the whole world and to make the world a better place.

I think I had that freak-out moment because it triggered some insecurities inside me.  Some see kindness as a weakness.  And I didn’t want to be thought of as weak.  I don’t ever want to be.  I actually had flashbacks of my childhood.  I got teased a lot for being so nice.  Genuinely nice!  Man, kids are so cruel to one another sometimes, don’t you think? 

Kindness is anything but weak.  I try to practice kindness with a good dose of healthy boundaries.  Sometimes the kind thing to do is to walk away from a bad situation and not engage further in the ‘poison.’  Or to not say anything at all – avoiding cattiness and gossip. But I’m not always happy, nice, cheerful and kind all the time.  Read other posts in here and you’ll know this.  I’m human and not a robot.  I have a bad temper, but I’ve learned to harness it and breathe through it – most of the time.  I’ve gone through low points of despair and depression – feeling broken and hopeless.  Lonely.  Misunderstood.  Angry.  But I do always come back to center.

However, I do go into new situations brimming with kindness and positivity (these two words are pretty much inseparable in my world).  This project IS going to be successful.  I WILL like that person I’m going to be introduced to and they’ll like me too.  I WILL enjoy and savor that new recipe…or that new restaurant I’m going to try.  That magazine I’m going to read.  That new exercise routine.  Know that glass half empty vs half full saying?  Well, for me the glass overflows with happiness.  I can’t remember exactly where I read or heard this, but there was some lady explaining how when she first meets people, her default is she DOESN’T like them.  That person has to ‘prove’ themselves through their personality and their behavior that she is ‘worthy’ of liking them.  All I can say to that is BARF.  UGH.  PUKE.  That’s soooo anathema to how I’m wired.  So maybe that example, explaining the opposite of how I’m wired, will make it more clear how I AM. 

So…what if that person I’m introduced to ends up being a total jerk – mean, angry, bigoted, ignorant?  It depends.  If it’s someone I’m talking to at a party and I’m not finding any common ground for us to connect with (the weather is always a last gasp attempt at conversation), well, the kind thing to do is to listen to learn.  Find out what makes this person tick!  Our default is to immediately decide whether we agree or disagree with what the other person is saying.  It takes practice to challenge that and to actually listen.  [Lord knows this came out on turbo overload during the elections!]  Or, the kind thing to do might be to excuse myself to the ladies room, powder my nose, and strike up conversation with someone else!

If it’s someone I’m working with, that’s a whole other challenge.  One of my strengths is developing great rapport and relationships with my co-workers.  I do mostly short-term consulting engagements which typically last a year or less.  So I’m constantly wrapping up something, finding another work assignment, and pretty much starting all over, working with completely different people, a completely different project and a completely different work environment paradigm if you will.  But this is a well-developed muscle within me – tootin’ my horn just a little here.  If I’m not hitting it off well with someone on a new team, I put it in perspective.  How much will I be working with this person?  How are they perceived by others on the team…is he/she in a leadership role, or one that wields a lot of influence otherwise?  Is he/she respected by others?  How long am I even going to be on this work assignment to want to invest my valuable energy ‘winning this person over’?  If it’s relatively short, I’m not going to sweat it.

Eeeking out any form of common ground with someone I don’t naturally resonate with can be very challenging.  But again, I try to listen to learn.  And I remember that, especially with men, that their opinions are everything to them.  If a man unloads his opinions on me and I vehemently disagree with every single one, well, I breathe and remember that he’s sharing them with me because he trusts me.  I’ve made it a ‘safe place’ for him to communicate.  That’s me being kind.

Not sure if this is making any sense.  That’s OK – this is my outlet for random streams of consciousness.  I love the freedom in here…and I hope you’re enjoying this journey as much as I am!

Next post:  PEACE

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Fighting to be Happy

14 Sunday Oct 2012

Posted by fivenineteen in Uncategorized

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anger, friendship, home projects, kindness, rage, spirit, temper, work

…while suppressing that inner volcano of mine.  Despite being a relatively overall positive and happy person, I have a bad temper.  I just rarely show it.  Sometimes I get so goddamn mad I can’t see straight.  I rage within.  Perhaps this is the Taurus in me…perhaps it’s just DNA.  Sometimes it scares me.

It started on Friday.  I got some news that deeply upset me, that popped out the last hole in my patience punch card.  I’m done.  I’ve had a home improvement project underway here in the townhouse since early February.   It was supposed to be done in June.  It was supposed to be done mostly with the help of a good friend of mine who put the whole plan together.  Money changed hands as part of this deal…which is still barely a third of the way complete and that’s being generous.  Hard to put a fraction label on it.  All I know is I’ve been living amongst various forms of shifting clutter and it’s extra noise in my life I don’t need.

The bad news was time, or lack thereof rather.  Yet another schedule hiccup which means no work on the home project this weekend.  [We’d planned to do the work just a few days prior.]  I sat at my desk at work that Friday morning when the bad news text popped up.  And I about dropped my phone.  Unbelievable.  My response?  Silence.  I was so furious I was afraid what I might say in response if I picked up the phone or texted a reply. 

This is why I sometimes hate texting.  I can’t tell if there’s any inkling of apology, compassion or accountability behind the words that we couldn’t work on the project this weekend.  And I feel like my generous spirit, kindness and understanding have been partially ripped out of my body, stomped on and made a mockery of.  Taken advantage of. THAT’S what triggered my rage.

I seethed and fumed the rest of the day, both pissed off and feeling ashamed of myself too.  This is a First World problem for sure.  Nobody’s dying and nobody’s house burned to the ground.  When I get this way I don’t always know how to handle it.  Do I let my anger eat up my insides?  Do I send a nastygram text back to him? Do I make everyone else’s day miserable and lash out?  Do I go punch something?  Cry?  Let myself get dragged down in an ugly spiral, remembering all the other times the men in my life have let me down?  Oh boy, we’re teetering on a slippery slope with that last sentence I know.  I’ll try to reel it back a little in here.

I got home feeling like a deflated balloon.  Yeah, I cried a little through my dinner.  I even tried watching Rock of Ages as it had just come out in movies on demand on TV.  And I couldn’t get into it, despite a kickass soundtrack that hits right smack in my generation…those of us who literally came of age in the 1980s.  Side note:  know what bothered me about this movie?  It’s a MUSICAL!  And – surprise – as much as I love all kinds of music and singing, I just can’t get into musicals.  The way that people spontaneously burst into song and choreography just bugs me.  Chalk that up to a personality quirk I guess.  Same reason I can’t stand karaoke and don’t watch American Idol or X-Factor.

I woke up angry on Saturday morning.  I tried thumbing through a couple of cookbooks to get inspired to try a new recipe.  I even made a lime vinaigrette on a random whim to get my creative juices warmed up; it’s a part of a crab and avocado salad recipe.  Nothing. I looked outside at the wonderment of early fall.  The season dial clicked HARD these past few days, and any ounce of late summer is long gone.  I went to two grocery stores and aimlessly wandered the aisles, trying to mentally savor everything and find something to inspire me.  I came home with a small bag of organic rainbow quinoa, some olives, a tomato, shallots, a couple heads of garlic and some goat cheese.

Even dinner last night was a bust.  I tried making chicken breasts with a garlic and goat cheese sauce.  Perhaps the actual highlight of my weekend was roasting two heads of garlic in my oven for a couple of hours.  LOVE that aroma!  But the recipe was bland and unfulfilling, even with the roasted garlic.  Even sprinkling on a few capers for some color and kick didn’t work.  Bland and unfulfilling…I think that’s how I’ve been feeling this entire weekend actually.  A little wounded, shut down and not open to savoring things around me. 

So I know myself well enough that this dip in my mood is temporary.  I know the balance between negating it and wallowing in it.  There IS a happy medium.  This time it’s a full weekend. I have a plan on how to deal with this perpetual postponing of my home project and I just need to put it in motion. 

I’m a little scared.  Someone went out on a limb to offer to help me and in turn I’d help him.  After some negotiation I agreed and did my part.  Perhaps I was naive thinking that someone would actually finish what they start, or if they couldn’t they would call that out and suggest another way to help – not just leave me hanging.  Perhaps I should have negotiated more strongly, like a business transaction.  Perhaps I was stupid to think oh, he’s a friend, he’ll make good on it in the timeframe he proposed.  Which has extended out months…which I’ve been gracious and understanding about.

No more.

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