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Check Your Gut and the Email Addy, Yo

22 Saturday Dec 2012

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Now, Dear Readers.  I consider myself pretty savvy around here in the online world.  Save for a geriatric laptop that will be, hopefully, replaced with something spiffy and new next year (maybe a Surface Pro).  Meanwhile, it might be like walking around in painfully outdated clothes or driving an old beater car.  Sure, they both still ‘work,’ but aren’t so fashionable anymore.  Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve still got Windows XP and Office 2003 running in here, so it’s a big ol’ blast of retro when I shut off my work laptop and get back online at home.  Hilarious.  This home laptop (a vintage 2006 Dell Inspiron E1705 for those curious) has rarely ventured out of the home office and has only been taken out of my house a small handful of times.  That was back in my unemployed era of early/mid 2010 when I was doing part-time pro bono work to help out a colleague and friend and keep my mind from going to mush while I looked for work. 

Anyway,  I keep my virus protection on it up to date. I scan regularly for spyware/malware and use a registry cleaner and backer-upper.  I change my passwords regularly and don’t use the same one for each of my online accounts.  Good, smart stuff like that.

Well, I recently stumbled upon something that blew my mind.  And who would have guessed it would have surfaced in the world of…wait for it…Online Dating.

Are you grinning or groaning right now?  Yep, I decided to jump back in the pool and give this another shot.  I really, truly am looking for the real deal, and yet I’ve been so heads down focused on work and getting back in shape – just trying to BE the best ME – that perhaps I haven’t really, truly opened up and breathed enough to really provide the space that’s needed for something like a possible new relationship.  Whether he’ll find me on the interwebs or not I don’t know.  At the very least, the process can be beyond entertaining.

I received a very nice email via the online dating email system from a handsome gent just wanting to get to know me better.  He said he’s currently based in the local area here, but currently overseas in the US Army, deployed in Libya.  He didn’t say much about himself in his profile, but that didn’t concern me too much.  Guys in the military probably can’t disclose too much about what they do.  And there are several military bases in a 50-mile radius from where I live.

Fast forward a few days and I found myself with a new Army pen pal, with outpourings of what he was looking for in a long-term relationship. And great pictures too!  He told me how he’s an only child and both his parents are deceased.  He told me about his wife’s passing at a young age (30) from breast cancer 13 years ago, leaving him a widower with a 2-year-old daughter to raise on his own (but thankfully has live-in help at his house back in the States to look after her).  And how he promised to wait at least 10 years since his wife’s passing in honor of her memory before settling down again.  Where he’s from originally (nowhere near where I am) and where he wants to buy a house with the right woman when he gets out of the military.  When I told him the area where I live and that it truly is home to me as much as I enjoy travel, he said he would be happy to buy a house closer to me if it would make ME happy.

Then, we turned a corner.  He said how refreshing it was that I always got straight to the point when I wrote to him.  So,  why don’t we try talking on the phone, he asks?  He explained given his Special Forces status that the process to get in touch with him was not the typical Army process, and he provided me an email address.  He told me what to indicate about him when requesting phone contact, and instructed me to provide my name, address and cell phone number in the email as well.  And to copy/paste what I sent back to him so he could follow-up on his end.  Oh, and also with a note that I would be charged a one-time, temporary fee to my cell phone, but that the charge would drop once he and I were connected on the phone.  He explained this was just a deterrent so people didn’t try to contact Army Special Forces all the time.  

Are you still with me?

Well, I don’t know what swept over me, but when I saw the email address he provided (which ended in a ‘.us’), something in my gut prompted me to check into it further.  Every email address has a ‘@somedomain.something’ right?  A .net, .com, .us, etc.  Which should direct you to a website.  Well, I checked the ‘@’ domain info online and WHAMMO.

Something didn’t look right.  I’m no online content publishing expert, but the graphics looked slightly ‘off.’  And they were nowhere near the polished look of the US Army’s official website.  But it had all the ‘fine print’ hyperlinks you would expect to see at the bottom of a site page, including terms of use, privacy policy and whatnot, but something still didn’t seem right.

I did an online search on that domain name and immediately found a couple of blogs posting about scammers.  Scammers overseas who steal pictures of US soldiers (who are either alive or not, talk about morbid here). They use the stolen pictures to create fake online dating profiles…bascially, impersonating them!  I read on and on, fascinated.  And horrified.  The story I was told was TEXTBOOK content for what these scammers use.  They usually say they’re alone, widowed…and, bottom line, looking for money to be wired to them.  Money so they can fly home to take a leave, or money they need because the military won’t provide XYZ.

Now, I’m no expert in any of this, since what I’ve learned is less than 72 hours old in my own brain. BUT, here are two huge takeaways:

1. The US military will never EVER ask a civilian to pay for airfare to transport a soldier anywhere.  Anywhere in the world.  Absolutely not.

2. The US military does not use Western Union.  But that’s how most of these scammers want their $$ wired to them.

These guys are thieves, plain and simple!  I’m soooo glad I trusted my gut and checked the website info tied to the email address provided to me.  And I checked the fine print too – guess what?  All of the privacy policy and terms of use – all blank.  Or broken.

Now, I don’t claim to be an expert in any of this, and don’t want to post the email address I was provided.  But if you’d like more info, please message me!

Snail Mail

08 Sunday Jan 2012

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It’s been a pretty relaxing weekend…dang, that first week back after the holidays can be a little intense.  But nothing a virtual helmet and heat shield can’t fix.  I laugh to myself as I write this, for two years ago the New Year started off for me unemployed.  And went that way for several, sometimes-very-painful months.  So I suppose I should keep my trap (er, keyboard?) shut and not complain.  On the other hand, maybe this is a sign that times are getting better workwise and we’re back to the routine again.

I got quite a few tasks done at home including getting tons of mail sorted through, read, bills paid and everything shredded up for recycling.  Dang that feels good!  I am so happy that lots of magazines now have an option to renew subscriptions online instead of mailing in a check.  I have a bad habit of going sure, renew me, and then I mail in one of those “bill me later” forms.  Well, when you do that in October and you haven’t yet paid by January…oops.  Anyway, thanks to the internet I’m good to go.  And I just have a couple of quick thank you notes to write for Christmas gifts and I’ll be in good shape.

My mailbox goes a tad crazy over the holidays with Christmas cards, great pictures and those often-polarizing Christmas card letters.  Oh how I – mostly – enjoy reading them and hearing what everyone’s up to.  I read and wonder wow, it’s been years and years since I’ve seen some of these families.  Where does the time go?  And I giggle that I even still receive Christmas cards from people at all…the last time I ever sent out any myself was probably 1996.

Those letters!  Mostly super enjoying to savor and read, but others seem rather self-indulgent and even arrogant.  Blech.  No thanks.  

Then there’s my college BFF, P.  Her family Christmas letters are so full of love – love for family and for everyone – and the love just comes bouncing off the page as I read.  And she always includes a hand-written very nice blurb at the end of the letter.  This year’s words just went straight to my heart:  “I hope you know how I think of you and talk about you often.  We made some great memories and though we don’t talk much I still see you as a best friend.”  I about burst into tears of happiness….yes…THIS is EXACTLY how I feel too!

P and I were sorority sisters in college.  We were not really in the same circles within the house and did not really become close friends until probably our junior year.  I’d pledged as a sophomore and the group I ran with was a little different than hers.  Kinda funny how even a small, liberal-arts university (with just 1600 undergrads) can still have its pockets and all, even though everyone pretty much knew everyone.  But our sorority was pretty big for a small university – around 80-90 members, as were the other two houses.  P and I had an apartment off campus our senior year…what an incredible experience that was for us after living in the dorms our freshmen year and in the sorority for two (spoiled with a very nice house and amazing food service compared to the dorm food).  The apartment was just a short two blocks away but it might as well have been the moon.  The campus is a square mile bubble of goodness in a town that, well, frankly is a little rough in patches.  I’ve driven by where she and I used to live those two decades ago and shudder…she and I lived THERE? In that crappy apartment? 

I looked through P’s family pictures in the envelope – wow her kids are so incredibly cute!  P does not use email a lot and only periodically surfaces in Facebook land.  I thought today, you know what, I’m going to sit down and write her a letter.  A LETTER!

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Or maybe a freight train.  When in the hell was the last time I wrote an actual snail mail letter to a friend?  To anyone??   And I challenge any of you who stumble around in here…when was the last time for you?  Not a quick postcard, not an email, not a text, not any messaging in Facebook or LinkedIn or other social media.  Hmmm??  For me it’s probably over a year.  And probably much longer than that for a hand-written snail mail letter.  Oh Lordy my handwriting has declined over the years.  I even remember way back it used to be common practice to send thank you letters – in snail mail – after job interviews.  Nowadays things move too fast.  Haven’t done that any time in this century I’m afraid.  Nope, email it is.

So I sit here, smiling, ready to shift gears and start writing to P.  I’ll think she’ll love what she finds in her mailbox.     

There’s this thing called the "other" folder…

23 Friday Dec 2011

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It’s been quite awhile since I’ve had a double shot post week, so why not now?  Something about the holiday season, shopping rush, the solstice…my whole world just tingles with good (and restless) energy.  There’s a mad scramble at work to get stuff done before the office pretty much goes quiet this week and next as people take vacation over the holidays and into early January.  And for those of us still plugging away over a hot desk and laptop, well, there’s that funny struggle of wanting to get more done while it’s quiet, but there aren’t enough people around to truly get it all done or all the right decisions made…ah, the classic dilemma, at least where I’m working right now.  Years ago I used to work in the retail service management industry, and this time of year for vacation was a big ol’ fuhgeddaboudit given the peak shopping season.  Nope – all hands on deck save for Christmas Day and New Years Day.  And today I sit here and think oh crap, I’ve gotta head into the belly of the beast tomorrow (meaning The Mall) and finish some last minute gift shopping. 

So anyway, last week I was on Facebook.  Now, how often have you read that or heard someone say that and think oh no. Right?  Well, as I said when I first launched fivenineteen over two years ago, my interpretations and musings on reality are better than anything I could possibly make up.  You might want to go pour yourself a glass of your favorite beverage for this one.

OK, back to Facebook now.  Last week on some ho-hum Wednesday night I happened to be browsing around and saw a post from a woman I know from the church I used to attend years ago.  Haven’t seen her in probably 10+ years, which is kind of sad, but I don’t attend that church any longer.

Her post: “You have two inboxes with facebook. You get notified of your messages; but you do not get notified of the messages in your “other” message box. Go to messages and click on it. After you do there is now the work “other” under your messages. (on the side bar). Click on that and see messages sent to you from people not on your friend list.”

I thought OK, what the hell, I’ll peruse over there and find this “other” folder.  Man, I love Facebook but it’s hard for me to keep up with all the changes and learn all the nuances and whatnot.  By the time I’m home from work and on my home laptop, my brain is pretty much full and fried.

So there was the elusive little “other” folder, a tiny subfolder on my left menu bar.  I clicked on it and up popped a very long list of what looked like notifications, spammy type stuff and one email from some random weirdo dude who really likes my profile.  Uh huh, whatever.  Delete!

Then, there they were. Not one but TWO messages from a guy I was great friends with years ago who I was no longer in contact with.  Basically saying hi there, it’s been forever, I’m about 92% sure this is you and would be great to catch up sometime.   Oh. My. God.  I about fell out of my chair!!  And then I about fell out of my chair again when I noticed he had sent these emails to me back in freakin’ JULY!!  Holy moly…had I not seen that random post from my church friend I never ever would have even noticed that “other” folder in the Facebook message section!

My fingers flew on the keyboard.  I wrote him back, still in shock to have found this folder…and his emails from months ago!  Yes, yes, it’s me, I’m alive…!!   

So what’s the story with this guy, you may wonder?  In short, he is the closest guy friend I have ever had.  We met online I’m guessing around late 2004 or early 2005ish.  I had been in a relationship with another guy a good chunk of 2004 who I’d met through hockey.  He broke up with me that fall and I admit it broke my heart and put me into an emotional tailspin of sorts.  Hard to explain, and now with it being 7 years later the memories can get a little fuzzy and mushy both.  While I’m not typically the type of girl who always has to have a boyfriend, something about that breakup triggered something within me.  I immediately started online dating – on two different sites at the same time actually – and I THINK that might have been my first time ever doing that.  Nowadays meeting people online is not anything weird, but back then it still might have been a little odd given it had not been around that long.  Or maybe that’s just my interpretation.  

I started going out on a bunch of dates and kind of having casual, not too serious mini-relationships of sorts (and yes, hookups) with a couple of guys.  I felt lost and hurt after getting dumped and was just looking for some reasurrance that I was really still desirable to men.  In that timeframe, I met L, probably for coffee and dessert or something.  We had hockey in common and I just remember him being nice and friendly with an offbeat and awesome sense of humor.

We went out on a couple dates and talked on the phone a few times (this is the olden days before texting became so commonplace) and somewhere in all of this we somehow realized we were better off as friends rather than dating.  I’m giggling right now, because if he happens to read this at some point I’m sure he will let me know if my memory of all of this is correct or not.

Let’s just say 2005 was a hell of a year.  A lot of Life happened and it was intense.  My grandfather passed away in early February, a month short of his 94th birthday.  13 days later my niece was born.  My Dad retired.  I was growing restless at my job – a company I had worked at for over 6 years at that time and I really loved it – but my new Director and I were butting heads quite a bit.

And in the spring of that year, I went through a very dark season in my life.  There was legal drama involved in it too.  I am not going to delve into that in here, but just know it was a very bad time for me and given I am an expert at beating myself up, combine that quirk with dark drama and I just felt very lost.  I felt like my world was turned sideways or upside down…like my reality had just snapped, shifted and toppled over.

I felt lost but not alone, thank goodness. L was there for me through it all.  An amazing friend and confidant he was for me.  I confided in probably only my uber close friends circle and my family about what I was going through.  L listened and helped keep me laughing when I needed to and gave me advice.  He helped me with a few projects around the townhouse here and just was a great shoulder to lean on.  And in the funny, small world we live in, it turns out another (female) friend of his has a beach house not far from where my family has had one for 3 generations.  The 3 of us even went down there together one weekend.  Can’t help but laugh at the Threes Company-ish thing it was, but it was great. 

Now somewhere in all of this, L and I started up a mini episode of Friends with Benefits.  Ummmm…yeah.  Don’t judge, people.  Yeah, whenever I hear about people getting into dealios like that I used to judge and think I’d NEVER do that.  But definitely no regrets…and he and I later talked about it and agreed we would not cross that line any longer.  And we didn’t.

As my dark drama was finishing up that fall, I met another guy online and it got pretty serious pretty quickly.  L and I shared our dating stories all the time, and he was genuinely happy for me when this one started taking off.  And I was very open about my friendship with L with my new boyfriend.  Nothing to hide.  

But he would have nothing of it.  He didn’t want me to be around L and didn’t want to meet him or anything.  Nope.  And I got grilled with ten billion questions about him too and the nature of our friendship.  Now, side note here – as I’ve shared this recently with a few close friends – friends I’ve met since that era who never knew L or my boyfriend then – it’s amazing the wide variety of opinions that come out.  Some friends say well, you should have run the other way when your boyfriend got controlling and possessive like that early on.  Others say yeah, I can totally see why he wouldn’t want you having a close guy friend still in your life as you were focusing on a new relationship. It’s all water under the bridge now.  But I tell you, I’d never been in a situation like that before and I haven’t since.  

L gradually faded from my life.  I’d made the decision to focus on my new relationship.  He and I may have gotten into a couple of spats while this ‘transition’ was happening too.  Again, fuzzy and mushy memories.

When I walked away from that boyfriend in spring of 2007, I kept moving forward and never reached out to L.  I had great memories of our friendship and time together but never made any effort to try to track him down.  Sometimes people are in our lives for a short while to make a difference, help us and then move on, and I chalked him up to being one of those.

And…life moved onward.

So.  2 days after I discovered those emails in my Facebook inbox last week I was on my way into Ballard to meet L for dinner.  My God, had it really been six years?  It was like no time had passed.  I cannot tell you how great it was to just see an old friend and pick up right where we’d left off.  Definitely no hard feelings or regrets.  Just hours of talking and catching up.  And a brief interlude between restaurants to walk his friend’s dog – the one with the beach house near my folks’.  Even seeing that dog again brought another wave of great memories whooshing back.  Wow.

What a wonderful end of year surprise!  Oh, and he and I are Facebook friends now, of course.  He says, “hey, let’s try staying friends this time, OK?”  

I think that’s a GREAT idea.