…and let’s throw in Fucking Mad while we’re at it. How. How in the possible hell can things just turn on a dime, shut off and shut down?
I got dumped on Thursday night. Yeesh, there’s no worse feeling out there eh? Makes me recoil and hunch over in my chair here as I type. And I’m ANGRY. Angry that he fucked with my head and dare I say my heart too.
I drank the Koolaid, man. I believed. I believed everything he did and said a million percent. This is different, I told myself. This is special. Hell, I even went out on a limb here to blog about this, this ‘burgeoning relationship’ to use his words.
I just don’t get it. The time together, the discoveries, generosity, listening, laughing, caring, calling, texting, his incredible cooking, the massages, the mind-blowing sex, the gifts, ‘this song reminds me of you’ and…introducing me to his friends – his family, really. Friends I really enjoyed meeting and well, I felt honored to be included in his special circle. Which is now cruelly yanked away. Folks, this is the guy who even kindasorta made me change my mind about Valentines Day – how it isn’t so meh after all. When you get a very thoughtful, sexy gift for V-Day – and get it in January because he’s going to be out of the country on the actual day – well, jeebus, how can you not get swept up in THAT??
My inboxes blew up. Home email. Facebook email. My voicemail…my texts…good gawd this man blanketed me – joyously – with wonderful musings, thoughts, just random stuff. Not overwhelming at all. Just a great dose of hey, I’m thinking about you and on and on.
He even read this Blog. THAT’S a huge compliment to me. Fivenineteen’s been my outlet, baby and solace here for the past year and a half. I was so flattered that he actually found it – I’d mentioned it on our first date – and on our second date shared what he’d read. “I knew I liked you…but now I adore you.”
And the real kicker. Making plans in advance. When he and I first met, he would always ask me out again while we were together. And gawd I purred. And when he would ask me to do things a few weeks out – after just knowing him a few weeks – well, I felt beyond flattered. Because in my book that implies there will be not only that to look forward to, but a whole lot of great times in between. “So, when can I see you again?” Strum my strings.
I knew we were in a sort of honeymoon bubble that would pop at some point. That’s normal and all. And I’d only known him since early January really…and then he was in Australia two weeks and then we were each sick around the same time after that – yuck. Holy fuck, I got more emails from him when he was in Australia than I did the past few days. “I miss you” “I can’t wait to see you”. Musings on what he’s doing there, wondering if I like to travel and what I’d think of xyz…I picked him up from the airport and after incredible Welcome Back sex, we snuggled together and he whispered, “now I really feel like I’m home.”
Am I some dumbshit to actually BELIEVE all these things he’s said and done? About cry at the gorgeous opal bracelet he bought me? Gaze into his eyes and feel something deep that stirs me to my core?
I opened my heart wide.
I knew there were things he was struggling with too. Ugly echoes and legacies of his past…his childhood. His marriage. This time of year is especially shitty as it’s the anniversary of two deaths – his father’s and his marriage. I get that – as best I can. We’re not 20 and we’ve been around the block. We’ve all got baggage. And we hopefully are self-aware and deal. He even confided about some addictions he’s working through, actively. Things that maybe raised my eyebrows but I didn’t run screaming out the door. Things that aren’t illegal by any means. OK, OK…I’m actually honored he would open up about that. Hell, I opened up to him about things that I’m not proud of – things that I haven’t even shared with my closest girlfriends.
So after this past weekend…he went dark. Was this the honeymoon bubble bursting? I didn’t initially get overly concerned…I mean hey, a little space is OK – after all we’d spent a good chunk of the weekend together. And I was still craving a little more sleep as I’m at the tail end of this cough.
By Thursday I was all nope – this is bullshit. I called him and he called back a little later. We’ve never gone more than a day with zero contact.
“I don’t want to date you. I don’t feel the spark and chemistry anymore.”
I about dropped the phone. He sounded like he was reading fucking cue cards. And you know what? I call BULLSHIT. I don’t believe him. OK, I’m not all that – I know this, people – but mind-blowing chemistry like what he and I have/had doesn’t just plop over to black like that. G, there are people out there LIKE ME who GIVE A SHIT and BELIEVE IN YOU. There are two people in this – how can you just pull the escape artist here and say nope, sorry, I’m done? Do you honestly expect me to be oh OK, no worries, no problem?? I don’t believe it. And that’s the first time I’ve ever doubted anything he’s ever said to me.
But I kinda went numb. Mere minutes later I heard about the huge earthquake in Japan and the tsunami warnings. Oh no, here we go again…my folks are on vacay in Hawaii and – for the 2nd year in a row – have had to evacuate. Amazingly I was able to reach my Dad on his cell and hear how they were doing. Thank God they are safe.
I woke up Friday morning thinking maybe it was all a bad dream. Then my stomach went *thud* and I knew it wasn’t obviously.
I went so numb I didn’t realize I was speeding to work, doing 50 in a 35 zone. Ugh. Flashing motorcycle lights. A $195 ticket? OK, whatever, Officer. Seriously. I just shrugged and thought…whatever.
So yeah, there’s anger. Moreso than sadness. I have no freaking clue why I picked a picture of Yosemite for this week; guess it just looks pretty and calming – probably what I could use right now.
Is this truly the end of the story? I guess only time will tell; he and I agreed I’d call him in a few days or so. Honestly I’m not even sure that’s worth it or if I’m even going to. He’s made his point clear, as crappily as it was delivered. Sorry, but when you set the bar high like he did, well, you expect more. Even with the Exit. And nope, I don’t believe what he said one iota.